Alice Visits a Mosque to Learn About Judgement Day
Sex Sins and Accusatory Appendages
Alice Visits a Mosque to Learn About Judgement Day is meant to present, in a familiar medium, a play, Islamic beliefs about life after death using revelations from the Koran and the sayings of the Prophet Muhammad supplemented by Marriage and Morals in Islam by Sayyid Muhammad Rizvi where sex is the topic.
With sex, when and what you do and with whom being what you might consider an obsession of the Almighty and His two-legged creation, you can bet that what Allah refers to as our “private parts” will have a lot to say on that most ominous of days. Sex is so central to the religion that it may require a separate visit by Alice with her imam to learn everything there is to know about sex and Islam.
The following dialogue begins shortly after Alice has been told about how the false gods will bear witness against those who worshiped them on Judgement Day. It's now the person's own body parts which will bear witness to the sins committed by their owner.
Imam: Despairing of Allah's Mercy is not only the second greatest sin in Islam, but it is a sin against God, just like believing in other gods, and he who commits such an unforgivable, like women who commit adultery, will burn in Hell for an eternity.
Alice: Adultery is not a sin against Allah or His Messenger, so why is an adulteress not deserving of Allah’s Mercy?
Imam: Because there is no way for a woman to make amends for having had sex with someone other than her husband. How would you undo that? How could she undo the dishonour that she has brought on herself, her family and her husband? It is not enough that the adulteress will roast in Hell for eternity, but steps must be taken in the here-and-now to eradicate the reminder of this dishonour and to discourage such destructive behavior.
Alice: Such as stoning the adulteress to death!
Imam: I thought you came here to learn about the Day of Judgement?
Alice: Yes, I am sorry. Are the devil and make-believe gods the only snitches about which one should be wary?
Imam: I would not call them snitches, but yes there are more. The next informer is not a figment of anyone's imagination. Its testimony is beyond any doubt for it participated, or was a witness to the transgression against Allah and His Messenger!
Imam: An unbeliever's own body parts will bear witness against their owner. Allah said:
36:65 Today, We set a seal upon their mouths, and their hands will speak to Us and their feet will bear witness regarding what they used to earn.
Alice: Allah does not trust a person to tell the truth so He will seal her mouth so that she does not contradict her hands and feet, who will testify against her in some silent grotesque disjointed song and dance, I must assume.
Does that mean that a person’s hands and feet won’t feel the pain of burning and that is why they are willing to testify against their owner?
Imam: Of course not, that would be silly.
Alice: And Allah will believe these, these, these sock-puppets.
Alice: I am sorry, it is the image that came to mind when you mentioned talking hands. A sock-puppet is a puppet made from a sock or something similar. When you fit a hand into the closed end of the sock, the puppet can be seemingly made to "talk".
Imam: Are you insinuating that it is Allah talking, like a common ventriloquist, not the hands or the feet?
Alice: Of course not.
Imam: If it was Allah talking, would He have other appendages confirm what the hands and feet will say? Allah said:
41:19 And when the enemies of Allah are mustered unto the Fire, they shall be held in check.
41:20 When they reach it, their hearing, sights and skins shall bear witness against them regarding what they used to do.
41:21 And they will say to their skins: “Why did you bear witness against us?” They will say: “Allah Who gave everything speech gave us speech, and He is the One Who created you the first time and unto Him you shall be returned.”
41:22 You did not try to hide from the witness that your hearing, sights and skins would bear against you; but you thought that Allah does not know much of what you do.
Alice: Talking limbs; that is so weird it's almost cartoonish.
Imam: DO YOU THINK THIS IS A JOKE? Judgement Day is no joke and you would be well advised to remember that.
Alice: I am not laughing; it is not a laughing matter. On Judgement Day Allah will actually be doing to people what the writers of the Simpsons imagined a sadistic blue mouse doing to a hapless cat.
Imam: What are you talking about?
Alice: Itchy and Scratchy. Never mind. Is masturbation, like adultery, a sin?
Imam: The Koran says in verses 23:5-7 that believers are those,
23:5 … who guard their private parts,
23:6 Except from their wives and what their right hands possess (slave-girls). [For these] they are not blameworthy.
23:7 Whoever seeks anything beyond that – those are the transgressors.
“The last sentence makes it very clear that any sexual gratification outside marriage is considered a transgression of the law of God and this verse also implies that sex is an act in which two people are involved” (Rizvi).
Alice: That means that all the unmarried young people who were doing it thinking that nobody was watching will be in for a real surprise on Judgment Day [starts to giggle uncontrollably].
Imam: What are you laughing at?
Alice: Boys, I have been told, play with themselves a lot. I was just imagining all the talking thingies on Judgement Day telling Allah what was done to them, with the odd little man in the boat shouting to be heard.
Imam: You are a vulgar young woman; and what is this little man in the boat?
Alice: It’s another word for a woman’s thingy. We do it to you know.
Imam: Of that I have no doubt but you should refrain; and don’t be afraid of calling things by their real name. If what you mean to say is penis and clitoris then say it.
Alice: But don’t touch it …
Imam: ... not to bring about sexual gratification.
Alice: Can a slave-girl, what Allah refers to as what a man’s right hand possesses mentioned earlier, do for her master what his own right hand is forbidden.
Imam: Slave-girls were ubiquitous and highly prized during Islam’s Golden Age. They have no relevance here – in this immoral day and age – to our present discussion.
Alice: What if you are married; can you touch yourself that way?
Imam: Not even if you are married; but Allah and His Messenger have no objections if it is a lawfully wedded spouse who touches it in order to bring about sexual release.
Alice: Can I touch it with a, you know, a, a a vibrator, a dildo?
Imam: No! Absolutely not! Not even if you are married. In a hadith, an old man who could not fully satisfy his young slave-girl during sexual intercourse, at her insistence, placed his fingers in her vagina. Unsure if what he had done was a sin he consulted an imam who told him that "there is no problem as long as he uses any part of his own body upon her, but he should not use anything other than his body on her." (Rizvi quoting Wasa'il, vol. 14, p. 77)
Alice: What about – dare I ask – bum sex?
Imam: Allah and the Prophet, the peace and blessings of God be upon him, were not squeamish about talking about sex. Sex is a fact of life and you should not be ashamed to ask questions. Muslim children learn before puberty all about sex so that once they reach the age of the urges they are fully aware that they must abstain from it, in all its variations, until their wedding night, and that includes anal sex.
Alice: But I thought Allah was against sodomy?
Imam: Yes, Allah in His Koran does refer to sodomy as “the foul act”:
29:28 And [remember] Lot, when he said to his people: “You are committing the foul act which no one in the whole world committed before you.”
This may explain why hadiths are not clear as to whether this applies to a husband sodomizing his wife. In one hadith, the Prophet, the peace and blessings of God be upon him, is said to have warned that: “The anus of women is haram for my community.” (Rizvi quoting Wasa'il, vol. 14, p. 104) "But there is a saying of God's Messenger in which Imam Ja'far as-Sadiq was asked about a man who had anal intercourse with his wife. The Imam said, ‘There is no problem in it if she agrees.’ (Rizvi quoting Wasa'il 'sh-Shi'ah, vol. 14, p. 103).”
Because of the conflicting hadiths, most Islamic scholars have come to the conclusion that anal intercourse is “makruh”, that is, disliked but not disallowed.
Alice: [starting to laugh again]
Imam: Now what are you laughing at, you silly girl.
Alice: I was just thinking of an adulteress on Judgement Day who has let a man other than her husband have sex in her bum and her bum telling Allah that it was definitely not her husband’s penis that it saw bursting in.
Imam: You disgusting girl. Having an intelligent discussion about sex with you is obviously impossible.
Alice: I am sorry. Just one more question, and I promise not to laugh. [a mischievous smile which the imam fails to notice parts her lips]. Can a married couple do it doggy-style?
Imam: If you mean rear-entry positions, yes. “As far as the basic coital positions are concerned, there are no restrictions. I am using the term 'basic coital positions' for the positions known as the man above, face to face, woman above face to face; side position, face to face; rear-entry position in which the husband penetrates the vagina from the rear. Actually, the shari'ah has left it on the husband and the wife to explore and experiment as they wish.”
“However, it is makruh to adopt a standing position, or to face the qiblah or keep it on the backside during the intercourse.” (Rizvi)
Alice: What is the Qiblah?
Imam: The direction of Mecca.
Alice: Of course, that would be like mooning God. But what is wrong with having sex standing up?