Boreal

The Islamic Hereafter

Heaven

A Man's Paradise

Heaven is a place where men can fornicate to their hearts content, with Allah providing perpetual virgins, blushing maidens and heavenly, sexually adept pleasure mates called houris which, according to Emerick, are soulless creatures which have been programmed by Allah to please men’s every carnal desire.

How could Allah describe such a heaven without making Paradise sound like one gigantic brothel in the sky?

This difficulty has led to wide ranging interpretation among Islamic scholars and informed clerics as to what you will find in heaven. Most agree however, that men will not have a problem finding sex in heaven. Sixteenth-century Islamic scholar Al-Suyuti (died 1505) said that in heaven men will walk around Paradise with permanent erections.

Each time we sleep with a houri we find her virgin. Besides, the penis of the Elected never softens. The erection is eternal; the sensation that you feel each time you make love is utterly delicious and out of this world and were you to experience it in this world you would faint. Each chosen one [Muslim] will marry seventy [sic] houris, besides the women he married on earth, and all will have appetizing vaginas.

Will women be allowed to have sex with multiple, sexually adept, virile, hard-bodied, good-looking young men in Allah’s version of heaven?

Not likely. The best women can expect in heaven, if the following verses are any indication, is sex with their former earthly-bound spouse after they have been purified (purified can mean they will no longer menstruate, have their sins forgiven or, considering Allah’s obsession with virgins, be born-again virgins or all of the aforementioned).

3:15 Say: “Shall I tell you about something better than all that?” For those who are God-fearing, from their Lord are gardens beneath which rivers flow, and in which they abide forever [along with] purified spouses and Allah’s good pleasure. Allah’s sees His servants well!

36:55 Today, the Companions of Paradise are busy enjoying themselves;

36:56 Together with their spouses they are reclining on couches in the shade.

36:57 Wherein they have fruit, and have all they call for.

36:58 “Peace”, uttered by a Merciful Lord.

As mentioned in a previous chapter, if a woman or girl dies a spinster in a martyrdom operation she will be wedded to an eligible male in heaven as part of her reward for killing and dying in the cause of Allah.

And let there be couches with uplifted mattresses interwoven with gold threads; lots and lots of couches facing each other in an oasis that is continuously in the shade and stretches to infinity. On these couches men will recline sharing a drink of cool clear spring-water and non-alcoholic wines in gold cups and enjoying a rationed variety of fruits while wide-eyed maidens stand around averting their gaze.

37:39 And you (unbelievers) shall only be rewarded for what you used to do.

37:40 Except for Allah’s sincere servants.

37:41 To those is assigned a fixed provision,

37:42 Of fruits; and they shall be honoured;

37:43 In the Gardens of Bliss;

37:44 Upon couches, facing each other.

37:45 A cup of pure spring water shall be passed around them;

37:46 Snow-white, a delight to drinkers.

37:47 Wherein there is no gall and they are not intoxicated by it.

37:48 And they also shall have wide-eyed maidens averting their gaze.

37:49 They resemble hidden pearls.

A maiden is generally understood to be a young unmarried woman. The Prophet said that in Paradise everyone will be 30 or 33 years old. This is revealed in a saheeh i.e. authentic hadith, a saying of the Prophet which is considered "sound and healthy."

With regard to their ages, they will all enter Paradise at the age of strength and youth, thirty-three years old. It was narrated from Mu’aadh ibn Jabal that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “The people of Paradise will enter Paradise hairless, beardless with their eyes anointed with kohl, aged thirty or thirty-three years.” al-Tirmidhi 2545

I mention this because of the age of the “mates” in revelation 38:52. Since no sex will be allowed with either houris or blushing maidens before you are married to them i.e. they become your mate, this would make it somewhat old for a maiden?

38:49 This is a Reminder and the God-fearing will surely have a fair resort.

38:50 Gardens of Eden whereof the gates are wide-open for them.

38:51 Reclining therein and calling for abundant fruit and beverage.

38:52 And they have mates of equal age, averting their gaze.

38:53 “This is what you are promised for the Day of Reckoning.

38:54 “This is our provision which will not end.”

In heaven, everyone will love everyone; you may even be allowed to watch the guy on the couch next to you making out.

15:45 “The righteous will surely be amidst gardens and fountains.

15:46 [It will be said to them]: “Enter therein in peace and security.”

15:47 We shall remove all hatred from their hearts, and as brethren they shall recline, facing each other, upon couches.

You will never get tired and perhaps never require sleep.

15:48 They shall not be touched by fatigue therein, nor will they be driven out.

----

35:34 They say: “Praise be to Allah Who lifted off our sorrow. Our Lord is indeed All-Forgiving, All-Thankful.

35:35 “He who out of His Bounty has made us dwell in the Abode of Everlasting Life, where no fatigue will touch us, nor any weariness.”

Many of the verses concerning what you can expect in heaven are contained in chapter 56, The Happening and judging from the following verses, heaven is where it’s happening.

THE HAPPENING

56 Al-Waqi`ah

In the Name of Allah

the Compassionate, the Merciful

56:1 When the Happening comes to pass.

56:2 Of its occurrence there is no denial;

56:3 Abasing some, exalting others.

56:4 When the earth shall be shaken violently

56:5 And the mountain shall be reduced to rubble,

56:6 So that they become scattered dust.

56:7 And you shall be three categories:

56:8 The Companions of the Right - behold the Companions of the Right?


The Companions of the Right is taken to mean by most commentators “Companions of the Right Hand.” Those who have been given their books of good and bad deeds on Judgement Day in their right hand go to heaven; those who are given their books of good and bad deeds in their left hand go to hell (see chapter Judgement Day).


56:9 And the Companions of the Left - behold the Companions of the Left?

56:10 And the outstrippers (the privileged few), the outstrippers (sic);

56:11 Those are the favoured ones,

56:12 In the Gardens of Bliss;

56:13 A throng of the ancients,

56:14 And a small band of the latecomers.

56:15 Upon beds interwoven with gold;

56:16 Reclining upon them, facing each other.

56:17 While immortal youths go around them,

56:18 With goblets, pitchers and a cup of limpid drink.

56:19 Their heads do not ache from it and they do not become intoxicated.

56:20 And with such fruit as they care to choose;

56:21 And such flesh of fowl as they desire;

In the Garden of Bliss men will be serviced by houris.

56:22 And wide-eyed houris,

56:23 Like hidden pearls;

56:24 As a reward for what they used to do.

Allah also makes it clear that you will be wedded to these houris before any hanky-panky is allowed.

44:54 Thus it will be; and we gave them wide-eyed houris in marriage.

52:20 Reclining on ranged couches, and We shall wed them to wide-eyed houris.

The marriage ceremony may include branding of the houris. According to Professor Clark, in a Tradition of the Prophet one of the houris’ voluptuous breasts is branded with the name of her husband and the other with the name of her husband’s benefactor, Allah. This will definitely make it easier for men to keep track of what is the equivalent of their herd or harem of houris, and make it less likely for one man to accidently fornicate with another man’s houris.

No idle talk or disparaging words, but you will be expected to extend your best wishes to your couch companions; and you will be fed twice a day (not including between meals snacks and hors-d’oeuvres based on other revelations).

19:62 They hear therein no idle talk, but only: “Peace”; and they receive from their provision therein morning and evening.

----

56:25 They do not hear therein idle talk or vilification;

56:26 Only the greeting: “Peace, Peace!”

56:27 As for the Companions of the Right; and behold the Companions of the Right?

56:28 They are in the midst of thornless (sic) Lotus trees,

56:29 And braided acacias,

56:30 And extended shade,

56:31 And overflowing water;

56:32 And abundant fruit,

56:33 Neither withheld nor forbidden,

56:34 And uplifted mattresses.

No idle talk, and no talking to God!

78:35 Therein, they do not hear any idle talk or denunciation.

78:36 A reward from your Lord, a sufficient gift;

78:37 The Lord of the heavens and the earth and what lies between them; the Compassionate to Whom they do not have the power to speak.

In addition to houris skilled in the sexual arts you will also have access to extra-virginal, kind-hearted round-breasted girls, who never lose their virginity even after intercourse and never grow old.

56:35 We have formed them originally;

56:36 And made them pure virgins,

56:37 Tender and unageing,

56:38 For the Companions of the Right;

56:39 A throng of the ancients,

56:40 And a throng of the latecomers.

----

78:31 The God-fearing will score a victory,

78:32 Gardens and vineyards,

78:33 And round-breasted mates,

78:34 And a brim-full cup.

Perhaps the pure, tender unageing virgins are the bashful maidens in the following verses

55:56 Therein are maidens lowering their glances and they have not been touched, before them by any man or jinn.

55:57 So, which of your Lord's Bounties do you both (Jinn and humans) deny?

55:58 They are like rubies and coral.

55:59 So, which of your Lord's Bounties do you both (Jinn and humans) deny?

The reward for doing good i.e. beneficence, is Allah doing something good for you e.g. “virtuous maidens”.

55:60 Shall the reward of beneficence be other than beneficence?

55:61 So, which of your Lord's Bounties do you both (Jinn and humans) deny?

----

55:70 Therein are beautiful virtuous maidens.

55:71 So, which of your Lord's Bounties do you both (Jinn and humans) deny?

And like on earth, these virtuous maidens will be secluded.

55:72 Wide-eyed, cloistered in pavilions.

55:73 So, which of your Lord's Bounties do you both (Jinn and humans) deny?

55:74 No man or jinn touched them before.

55:75 So, which of your Lord's Bounties do you both (Jinn and humans) deny?

55:76 Reclining upon green cushions and superb rugs.

55:77 So, which of your Lord's Bounties do you both (Jinn and humans) deny?

55:78 Blessed be the Name of your Lord, full of majesty and splendour.

Deserving males who would rather have boys with alabaster-like skin who never age, and who will never die waiting on them instead of purified wives, virtuous blushing maidens and voluptuous easily aroused houris will not be disappointed (pedophiles, one must assume, will not have a place in Paradise).

52:24 And boys of their own will go around them, as if they were hidden pearls.

-----

76:19 And there go round them immortal boys; when you see them, you will think that they are scattered pearls.

76:20 If you look there, you will see bliss and a vast kingdom (they will live as if they had a vast kingdom, Moududi).

76:21 Upon them are green silk garments and brocade; and they have been adorned with silver bracelets, and their Lord has given them a pure potion (wine, Moududi).


In one of the more confounding juxtaposition of verses in the Koran, Allah’s focus then switches to His Messenger:

76:22 “This indeed has been your reward, and your endeavour has been appreciated.”

76:23 We have indeed sent down the Qur’an upon you as a revelation;

76:24 So bear up with your Lord’s Judgement and do not obey any sinful or thankless one of them.

76:25 And mention the Name of your Lord morning and evening.

76:26 As for part of the night, prostrate yourself to Him and glorify Him all night long.

76:27 Those people (the unbelievers) love the present world and leave behind them (ahead of them, Moududi) a burdensome Day (Judgement Day).


While all this is happening the recipients of all this beneficence will ask things of each other like the following:

52:25 They turn one to another asking each other questions;

52:26 They say: “We were formerly in the midst of our families living in awe;

52:27 “Then Allah was gracious to us and guarded us against the torment of the scorching wind.

52:28 “We used formerly to call on Him; He is the All-Gracious, the Merciful.”

These people were obviously not martyrs who died for Allah while killing unbelievers, so how they bypassed life in the grave and Judgement Day is a mystery; but I digress. More refreshments from another special spring:

76:15 And cup-bearers shall go round them with vessels of silver and goblets of glass,

76:16 Goblets of silver which they measured exactly.

76:17 And they are given therein to drink a cup whose mixture is ginger.

76:18 A spring therein is called Salsabil.

What a Paradise it is!

19:63 Such is the Paradise which We shall give as inheritance to those of Our servants who are God-fearing.

This is the place that the 9/11 terrorists aspired to. In Muhammad Atta’s heaven, he is pounding his couch, breaking hymens and popping grapes for an eternity while enjoying the spectacle of the people he slaughtered roasting in Hell.

An Eyewitness Account

Allah’s description of Paradise (and Hell) fascinated the early converts to Islam and the Prophet was only too happy to oblige their curiosity with little tidbits of information that only he could provide, Allah having given him glimpses of both. For example, in Paradise the Prophet saw a tree, a really big tree.

The Prophet said: "There is a tree in Paradise (which is so big and huge that) if a rider travels in its shade for one hundred years, he would not be able to cross it."

Bukhari 4:474

The Prophet’s visions of the Hereafter included visions into the future and visions of women's leg bones through their flesh which could imply that women will be naked in Paradise.

Allah's Apostle said, "The first group (of people) who will enter Paradise will be [glittering] like the moon when it is full. They will not spit or blow their noses or relieve nature. Their utensils will be of gold and their combs of gold and silver; in their centers the aloe wood will be used, and their sweat will smell like musk. Everyone of them will have two wives; the marrow of the bones of the wives' legs will be seen through the flesh out of excessive beauty. They (i.e. the people of Paradise) will neither have differences nor hatred amongst themselves; their hearts will be as if one heart and they will be glorifying Allah in the morning and in the evening."

Bukhari 54:468

The Prophet, in his description of Paradise would remind his listeners that there are ways to ensure your admittance no questions asked.

The Prophet said: “The person who participates in (Holy battles) in Allah's cause and nothing compels him to do so except belief in Allah and His Apostles, will be recompensed by Allah either with a reward, or booty (if he survives) or will be admitted to Paradise (if he is killed in the battle as a martyr)…’"

Bukhari 2:35

A less drastic and more civilized way then martyrdom and killing unbelievers to obtain a ticket to Paradise was learning the 99 names of Allah.

Allah's Apostle said: “"Allah has ninety-nine names, i.e. one-hundred minus one, and whoever knows them will go to Paradise."

Bukhari 50:894

For a woman, Paradise is a sure thing if her husband is pleased with her when she dies.

The Prophet said: “If a woman dies while her husband was pleased with her, she will enter Paradise.” Tirmidhi

Should you want a child in Paradise, an hour is all you will have to wait.

Abu Syeed reported that the Messenger of Allah said: '...When a believer hopes for a child in paradise, his gestation and his birth and his growth will be in one hour as he will wish.'

Tirmidhi

Finally, considering traditional believers’ pre-occupation with facial hair, the following observation by the Prophet about the appearance of the people of Paradise is interesting, to say the least.

Allah's Messenger said: “"The inhabitants of Paradise are hairless, beardless and have black eyes, their youth does not pass away and their garments do not wear out."

Tirmidhi