Remembering Uzza

A Black Comedy in Three Acts

(2nd draft)

1.2 Bullshit

[Bob realizes that the guy on television is Johnny. Pointing to Johnny he shouts:]

Bob: Hey! I know you, That was you on television. You’re the guy who was shot for saying HAM on television.

Johnny: Do I know you???

Bob: No, we never met. [moves towards Johnny with his hand outstretched].

Johnny [moves back as if startled]. Hey, I just want to shake you hand. My name is Bob.

Archie: It’s okay Johnny. Bob’s a regular guy.

Johnny: Sorry. [shakes his hands] Hi, nice to meet you Bob.

Bob: So what’s with this you getting shot for saying HAM on a religious TV show?

Johnny: It was not a religious TV show, and I was not shot for saying HAM

Bob: But …

Johnny: I apologized for referring to the Holy Alliance of Muslim Municipalities by its acronym H. A. M. M. which was a mistake and that was that.

Bob: So why did you get shot?

Archie: [Archie seeing that Johnny is showing signs of frustration] Bob, drop it. I thought you were into porn not current events.

Bob: Hey I watch the news too! So you were not shot for saying HAM on televisions? I mean, I can see where that would bother some Jewish people but I don’t think they would try to kill you for saying it.

Johnny: I was not shot by a Jewish person.

Bob: I knew that! 

Johnny: It’s not only Jews that consider HAM or more specifically pork and pork by-products unclean, but Muslims as well.

Bob: [surprised] Muslims don’t like HAM???

Archie: Bob, where the hell have you been? With more religious channels then sex channels, how could you not know that Muslims don’t eat ham?

Bob: Hey. I don’t watch religious television, and for your information, most shows about Islam are in Arabic so who knows what the hell they are talking about. They could be encouraging viewers to kill the infidels for all I know.

Archie: At least you know you're an infidel.

Johnny: Not if he is a Catholic or Protestant he ain't.

Archie: Then what is he?

Johnny: Jews and Christians in Islam are unbelievers not infidels?

Bob: So infidels are not unbelievers?

Johnny: Yes they are, but unbelievers are not always infidels.

Archie: Now I'm confused.

Johnny: Whatever you do, if ever you're in an M & M [Muslim Municipality] for no good reason and you get stopped by a religious cop and are asked what's your religion don't say Hindu or Buddhism, just say you are Christian then all you will have to do is pay a fine; and for God's sake don't say you don't believe in any God cause you're not getting out alive; you will not even be given the chance to convert as should be done to Hindu and other people who were not brought up on the Bible.

Bob: What the fuck is that all about?

[At this point, Gerry walks over and introduces himself]

Gerry: Hi, my name is Gerry. I apologize for my ignoramus friend here [gives Bob a friendly tap on the shoulder] I keep telling Bob he should read the Koran.

Johnny: [somewhat incredulous] You have read the Koran?

Gerry: No, but I have read Pain, Pleasure and Prejudice by Bernard Payeur, the next best thing, if not the best thing if you want to know all about the Koran and are not afraid about what you will find in it.

Bob: I read the Bible when I was young, isn't the Koran just like the Bible?

Gerry: No it isn't, not by a long shot!

Bob: And why should I be afraid of what's written in a book?

Gerry: You've heard about the Koran being all about peace and love?

Bob: Sure.

Gerry: [leans over and whispers] It's all bullshit!