BorealIf running an airline was a television comedy!The following script is based on real events at Air Canada after the management of the airline was handed over to fundamentalist Christians from the southern United States. Any resemblance to people living or dead is not a coincidence. HOLY HARRYFADE IN: INT: Boardroom of a large national airline. Twenty or more vice-presidents are seated at a large conference table. The chairs at each end of the conference table are empty. The President of the airline who goes by the nickname of Holy Harry walks in and takes a seat at one end. He looks at his V.P.s and at the empty chair at the other end of the table and sighs. HOLY HARRY Where is he? I have added a slew of God-fearing old-boys as vice-presidents and still he doesn’t show up. I have followed the Bible's instructions about a women’s place and still he won’t come. This is depressing [running his hands trough his still ample but greying hair]. Turning to his Vice-President of Personnel. You have taken care of the Jezebel problem? VICE-PRESIDENT OF PERSONNEL Fidgeting with the papers in front of him, his head downcast. He is not part of the good-old-boys network, nor a fundamentalist and is still ashamed of what he has had to do. Holy Harry when he took over the airline did not want to have to deal with women. Women that might have come in contact with Holy Harry during the course of their duties were re-assigned or dismissed, and there where thirteen of them. Yes Sir. You or the visitor you are expecting will not have to deal with the sinful sex. (It’s not an expression he would ordinarily use but it might help convince Holly Harry that he is one of them. He wants to keep his job) HOLY HARRY (Talking to himself) Our management team is now mostly made up of God fearing men; I have banished the women within our midst so that he won’t be offended when he shows up; I have said my prayers daily; I have done everything right, so where is he? (this last phrase he shouts in a somewhat angry voice and slams his fist on the table) (Addressing the assemble VPs.) They know the drill. Within the boardroom there is a large expense of carpet with nothing on it for just these occasions. The Vice-Presidents duly get up and gather on that wide expense of green. First forming a circle then holding hands. With everyone in position they kneel down and bow their heads in silence as Holy Harry begins his prayer. HOLY HARRY Dear Lord why won’t you join our airline’s management team. We need you now more than ever. I’m about to retire and this Godless airline is still not showing a profit. As you are aware, it has not been easy running an airline with these Godless Canadians around. Perhaps this is why you won’t join the us, but just this once could you make an exception ... for me. If you can’t join in person will you tell us how what we can do to make a profit. It’s getting embarrassing, all this praying and still were not making any money, for the shareholders that is, me and my VPs have no complaints, you have been more than generous to us. This will be the second airline that I have driven into the ground, remember Continental. People will start to talk. Thanks for listening Lord. Amen. The Vice-Presidents all respond Amen in unison. After a moment of silence everyone gets up and again in complete silence return to their chairs. The first to speak is the Vice-President of Finance. Clearing his throat he raises his eyes, then his hands, towards the ceiling and exclaims. VICE-PRESIDENT OF FINANCE Praised be the Lord. I think I have just been visited by the Holy Ghost and he showed me planes… lots and lots of planes … planes with dollar signs on them, American dollar signs. HOLY HARRY You need the Holy Spirit to tell you that we have planes. You’re an even bigger idiot than I thought. Then again you’re an accountant. Of course we have planes, we are an airline. VICE-PRESIDENT OF FINANCE I’m sorry. Let me explain. The Holy Spirit tells me that there is more than one way to make money from planes. You can sell them. HOLY HARRY (shaking his head at the stupidity of accountants.) Right and what about our passengers, you moron. If you weren’t related to … you would be out here … VICE-PRESIDENT OF FINANCE You still keep the planes; you sell them and then you immediately lease them back and the year of the sale the airline shows a nice profit. HOLY HARRY Isn’t that exchanging short-term gain for long-term pain? VICE-PRESIDENT OF FINANCE You won’t be here. What do you care? HOLY HARRY It doesn’t seem right. What the hell, who am I to argue with the Holy Ghost eh. Did I just say a swear word? VICE-PRESIDENT OF FINANCE Yes, and you also said "eh" HOLY HARRY (realizing the horrendous implication) Oh My God. I’m turning into a friggin Canadian Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh [screaming he runs out of the room]. FADE OUT: Bernard Payeur, posted July 25, 2005
|