Boreal

The Fractured Nation Interviews

Muhammad Abdullah Domeini

A Death-Defying Observation

Johnny: That would explain the ban against pork farms within the boundaries of municipalities that are members of the HAMM.

Muhammad: What was that? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?

Johnny: I was… I was just acknowledging that I now understand the basis of some farming restrictions found on farms in or around Muslim municipalities that are members of the Holy Alliance of Muslim Municipalities

Muhammad: BEWARE. Muslim municipalities are everywhere, from the borders of Québec to the shores of the Pacific Ocean. Muslims can even be found among the infidels. Making fun of Islam is making fun of Allah, the Compassionate, the Merciful, and making fun of Allah, the Sovereign Lord, is a guarantee of a shortened life in this world and an eternity in that special place in the bowels of Hell that Allah, the Bringer of Death, the Destroyer, reserves for those who show any disrespect to Him, His Prophet, the peace and blessings of God be upon him, or His perfect religion.

Johnny: I’m sorry.

Muhammad: I only have to say the word and you’re…

Johnny: I understand, and again, I apologize for using the abbreviated form of the Holy Alliance of Muslim Municipalities. I thought that was acceptable since, before the establishment of the H. A. M. M, you had no objections—and you don’t appear to have any objections now, if I’m not mistaken—to being called by your initials?

Muhammad: To be called MAD in the service of Allah, the Most Exalted, I don’t consider an insult. To refer to the Holy Alliance of Muslim Municipalities the way you just did is the most despicable and contemptible thing you could say. It is an insult to Allah, the Most Glorious One, His Messenger, the peace and blessings of God be upon him, and Muslims everywhere.

Johnny: I am so sorry. I simply did not know. Please forgive me. Again, I apologize to you, Your Excellency, and any Muslim I might have offended.

Muhammad: [glaring at Johnny] I don’t recommend that you use that word again in my presence, or in the presence of any Muslim, ever. UNDERSTOOD?!

Johnny: Understood.

Muhammad: [leaning back] Let this be a warning to all those who would make fun of the perfect religion.

Johnny: Have you thought of changing the name of the Holy Alliance so the uninformed, the ignorant, don’t unintentionally bring the Wrath of Allah and the believers upon their heads?

Muhammad: NO. Allah, the Wise, rarely changes his mind and neither do I.

Johnny: Following the example of your God is worthy of praise, worthy of praise indeed. Getting back to why I started the program by quoting an excerpt from an insignificant poem from that minor, long deceased, but not regretted English imperialist poet, I just wanted to…

Muhammad: [interrupts] After your use of that contemptible acronym, your explanation better be good. I am a very patient and understanding man, but my patience and understanding, like that of Allah, the Forbearing One, has its limits.

Johnny: [babbling] I understand, and again, I thank you for giving me the opportunity to clarify my opening remarks, to explain.  Again, I apologize to our viewers, especially our Muslim viewers, if I have offended them or their God in any way. Again, I ask you to forgive me, to please believe me; it was not my intention, it was never my intention to offend my wonderful and considerate Muslim viewers, their revered leader Muhammad Abdullah Domeini, their beneficent and compassionate God, their exalted, wise and kind-hearted Prophet Muhammad, or their absolutely perfect religion. I don’t know what more to say to make you believe me.

Muhammad: What about your explanation?

Johnny: [hands shaking] Before The Fracture I was a citizen of Canada, that most tolerant of societies. Like most Canadians, I would not dream of questioning the beliefs and traditions of anyone, let alone insult a member of any religious group, and not only because it was against the law. In college, I even considered religious studies but it was so much easier, with the decline in interest in the humanities and sciences and the huge increase in interest in religion, to do an undergraduate degree in the humanities. Also, a degree in religious studies—with so many religious sects claiming to know the mind of God, so many holy books, holy men and religious traditions to become familiar with—made learning about Greco-Roman Civilization, my heritage, much more appealing.