Boreal

The Fractured Nation Interviews

Boom-Boom Singh

Johnny Decides To Talk About It

When your white children first came into this country, they did not come shouting the war cry and seeking to wrest this land from us. They told us they came as friends to smoke the pipe of peace; they sought our friendship, we became brothers. Their enemies were ours. At the time we were strong and powerful, while they were few and weak. But did we oppress them or wrong them? No! Time wore on and you have become a great people, whilst we have melted away like snow beneath an April sun; our strength is wasted our warriors dead.

Shinguacouse, Ojibwa chief

JOHNNY is holding a sheet of paper, a letter.

Johnny Good evening. Thank you for joining us tonight for our third interview in the series of interviews that we are conducting this week with scholars, experts and pundits as we try to pin down the decision or decisions that led to the break up of Canada ten years ago this week. An event which historians commonly call The Fracture.

So far, we have heard from a renowned economist and author Dr. Diane Frances Smith and her theory that it was bad economics – freeloader economics was the term she used – that caused the country to break up. Next we heard from the MAD Ayatollah himself, his Excellency Muhammad Abdullah Domeini and his view that it was religious persecution, specifically against Muslims, that caused the country to splinter. It was God’s will or Allah’s will, to be more precise, according to his Excellency, that the country break up so as to allow Muslims to practise their religion as Allah and the Prophet Muhammad intended, without interference on the part of secular authorities.

Today, we are going to talk with the Prime Minister of ACNA, the Asian Commonwealth of North America, the Right Honourable Dr. Tamil Boom-Boom Singh to get his views on what caused Canada to fracture the way it did. But before we do, and before I explain my reason for choosing that beautiful, sad lament of Ojibwa chief Shinguacouse, I would like to read you a letter from Dr. Diane Frances Smith.

If you watched the first interview you may remember that I had to end the interview with Dr. Smith before she had a chance to complete her arguments in support of her theory that it was bad economic policy, specifically the adoption by Canada of what she calls the freeloader economic model, which led to the country’s collapse.

As you may also be aware, there is a certain subject that is taboo which we don’t talk about on television and in the media in general. Diane wanted to talk about this thing we don’t talk about because she felt it was key to understanding her theory as to the cause of The Fracture. I promised her that, should a guest talk about it, or try to discredit her theory because it was incomplete, I would take it upon myself to present her arguments, if she provided them to me in writing, which she did, in this letter.

While our last guest, his Excellency the Ayatollah Domeini talked about it only in passing, I decided I would present her “closing” arguments for freeloading economics being the cause of the fracture. I decided to do this, not only because his Excellency the Ayatollah Domeini talked about it, but because I believe our guest today may have something to say about the claims she makes in her letter.

Before reading Dr. Smith’s letter, I would like to introduce our guest today, a good friend, the Right Honourable Dr. Tamil Boom-Boom Singh, Prime Minister of the Asian Commonwealth of North American, more commonly known as ACNA.

Good evening Dr. Singh, it’s a pleasure to see you again. Thank you for volunteering to appear on our show to give us your always insightful views on The Fracture.

Boom-Boom: Thank you. Happy to be here! It has been a while since we talked.

Johnny: Yes, it has been a long time, too long.

Boom-Boom: By the way, call me Boom-Boom everybody else does, and this doctor thing, it is strictly honorary.

Johnny: Boom-Boom it is then.

Boom-Boom: Johnny, if I don’t get a chance to say everything I want to say, before the interview is over, do I get to write you a letter or is it just the pretty ladies that get to do so [smiling broadly]? Just kidding.

Johnny: You can write me anytime; you know I’m a sucker for a pretty face.

Boom-Boom: [recoiling in mock horror] You’re not gay are you?

Johnny: No, of course not.

Boom-Boom: Not that there is anything wrong with being gay unless, of course, you live in Allahland. Did you know that while Islam claims that there are no gay Muslims and that Allah forbids homosexual relationships, the Koran would have you believe otherwise?

Johnny: No I didn’t.

Boom-Boom: The Koran calls them “boys of perpetual freshness” or “boys as handsome as pearls” which Allah will provide, if you get to heaven and perpetually fresh virgin girls are not your thing. What is your favourite verse of the Koran?

Johnny: I don’t have one.

Boom-Boom: Sure you do. In this day and age everybody does. Your life may depend on it. One day you will be walking down a dark, deserted street and a man will approach you, not to ask you for money, but to ask you to recite a verse from the Koran and your ability to correctly recite a verse from that book will determine whether you live or die. Tell me you at least know the Shahadah?

Johnny: Of course I know the Muslim Declaration of Faith. And yes, I can recite from memory a handful of verses from the Koran but I don’t have any favourites.

Boom-Boom: How can you not have a favourite? The one I like best or should I say I like the least is the one where Allah says he will replace your burnt skin: “Those who have disbelieved Our Signs, We shall surely cast them into the Fire; every time their skins are burnt, We will replace them by other skins, so that they might taste the punishment. Allah indeed is Mighty and Wise!” Not a bad memory [poking Johnny in the ribs] for an old guy, eh?

Johnny: Yes, but …

Boom-Boom: This Allah fellow likes inflicting pain a little too much and is a bit too full of himself if you ask me. He is no Shiva. I have killed and caused pain in pursuit of my goals but never have I enjoyed it or revelled in it the way this Allah seems to enjoy inflicting pain and suffering and boasting about it.

Johnny: Interesting, but we are here to talk about The Fracture.

Boom-Boom: I am so sorry, I apologize.

Johnny: That’s alright. Would you mind if I take a few minutes to read Dr. Diane Smith’s letter? I think you may find some of the things she writes about interesting.

Boom-Boom: Go ahead and read the letter. Take all the time you need. I will try not to interrupt and I promise I won’t call you an idiot or an imbecile and all those other names your guest called you yesterday. What an unreal interview! If it had been me I would have taken out my kirpan [reaching for his ceremonial dagger but not taking it out of its scabbard] and showed him who was the imbecile.

Johnny: Thank you for … thank you for those kind words, I think!!! I don’t believe His Excellency meant to be unkind or injurious and I did demonstrate some insensitivity to Muslims and lack of proper respect and reverence for his Excellency and Islam.

Boom-Boom: I must admit that I almost choked on my curry when you referred to the Holly Alliance of Muslim Municipalities as the HAMM alliance. I laughed so hard I had curry coming out of my nose. Sorry [laughing] I just can’t help it, it was so funny … the look on your face when you realized what you had just said was, what’s the word? … Priceless, that’s it. Sorry [laughing].

Johnny: Yes, its one interview I won’t soon forget and it’s not because of all the e-mails, phone calls and death threats.

Boom-Boom: Speaking of e-mails, maybe you should get on with your reading of Dr. Diane’s letter.

Johnny:Thank you, yes, of course.