Boreal

FADE TO BLACK

Triumph of the Irrational

Incentivizing the Irrational - The Promise of Absurd Sex in a Strange Paradise

(Abbreviated from Love, Sex and Islam, Boreal Books)

Clothing

It would be difficult for gods acting in concert to look after the welfare of those in Paradise while attending to the roasting of the unbelievers in Hell, let alone a god on his own. To make the whole thing more manageable Allah will severely limit the choices available to those invited into His home in the sky.

The most limiting of choices has to be in clothing. A silk gown and brocade is fine for lounging—if that is all you will doing for an eternity, then maybe you won’t need a pair of jeans or any other type of garment for that matter—but did Allah have to make them all green to match His green cushions and rugs?

18:30 As for those who believe and do the good deeds, surely, We will not waste the reward of him who does the good work.

18:31 Those shall have Gardens of Eden, beneath which rivers flow, bejeweled therein with bracelets of gold, and wearing green clothes of silk and brocade, reclining therein on couches. Blessed is their reward and fair is the resting place!

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55:76 Reclining upon green cushions and superb rugs.

God, in promoting His green silk and brocade gowns as the definitive fashion statement, reminds me of the times I accompanied my wife to buy a fancy dress or business attire. It was never just about the fabric or the colour, but how you would accessorize it, and the same goes for Allah.

76:20 If you look there, you will see bliss and a vast kingdom.

76:21 Upon them are green silk garments and brocade; and they have been adorned with silver bracelets, and their Lord has given them a pure potion (wine).

What about matching gold bracelets? Don’t forget the pearls.

35:33 Into Gardens of Eden they enter, wherein they are adorned with gold bracelets and pearls and their clothing therein will be silk.

All the silk and bling could not make up for the thrill of watching Joyce first pull down her jeans, then pull them back up after we had had sex in a secluded clearing. A full-length silk gown and jewelry could not make up for the sight of Anne, in a sexy number that could have been from Victoria’s Secret, inviting me to follow her bouncing bare buttocks up the stairs to her bedroom.

Food

Good food and drink makes for good sex often of the unexpected kind. Allah may not be of that opinion. Muslims in the here-and-now and the Hereafter will never experience what it’s like to share a glass of unadulterated wine with the object of your forthcoming affection. If you don’t overdo it, it will make a more relaxed lover out of you. Under normal circumstances, women like that, and so will you. You will not be in such a rush to get to the penetration part, and once you’re in, it will extend your stay by slowing the production of what must eventually come gushing out.

Of course, alcohol also lowers inhibitions often leading to spontaneous pleasant surprises that often become a staple of a multifaceted sex life. Your houris are programmed to do whatever a straight-laced God, who never had, sex allows. That can get old very quickly. The type of stuff banned in the Koran will undoubtedly be banned in Paradise. Do you really want to miss out on everything a real woman has to offer, including a slightly inebriated one?

Allah talks about rivers of wine. Whether these rivers will flow with red, white or rosé is not mentioned. Red is assumed, as white wine only came into its own long after the Koran was revealed. It is obvious that rivers of wine will not be the result of fermentation, so don’t expect the multitudes of aromas, flavours and textures that come from that time-consuming process.

Fermentation is what leads to alcohol, so I wouldn’t expect the wine that Allah keeps in sealed containers for his pet-believers, which He expects them to fight over, to be much better than what the less favoured will sample by dipping their cups into the aforementioned rivers.

83:25 They are given to drink from a sealed wine;

83:26 Whose seal is musk. Over that, let the competitors compete;

 83:27 And its mixture is from Tasmin (a spring in Paradise);

83:28 A spring from which the well-favoured drink.

As to the food, don’t be fooled by revelations, like the following about having “whatever souls desire” served on plates and in cups of gold.

43:70 “Enter Paradise, you and your spouses joyfully.

43:71 “Platters and cups of gold shall be passed around them, and therein shall be whatever souls desire and eyes delight in, and in it you shall dwell forever.”

What the soul desires is what Allah has on His menu, a very limited menu that only a desert dweller would find more than adequate for his needs. In both the Koran and the hadiths, the exception and not the generality is the rule.

Food often plays a social role and enhances relationships that have grown beyond the adolescent expectations of martyrs in Allah’s Cause. For example, the nice dinner my wife had planned when she met me at the train station was more than a prelude to a night of intimacy. It was an integral part of it; the foreplay before the foreplay, you might say.

Foreplay is what gets your partner to where you want her to be when you get there, unless all you care about is your own gratification. That seems to be the case for those who would blow others to bits for sex with impassive female knockoffs.

Lucette would spice up the foreplay before the foreplay by keeping me guessing as to what was for dinner. With a limited menu and a God who decides when dinner and breakfast will be served—lunch appears to be out of the question—this will not be possible in Paradise.

19:62 They hear therein no idle talk, but only: “Peace”; and they receive from their provision therein morning and evening.

Lucette was a fantastic cook, at ease preparing dishes from a variety of cuisines, from French to Chinese with frequent forays into Italian food. Don’t expect that type of variety in Paradise, and if you like vegetables with that serving of chicken, you may be out of luck. Vegetables are not usually found on a desert oasis, the template for Paradise. It's nothing but fruits, which you will eat!

43:73 Therein you have abundant fruit from which you will eat.

You will not have to worry about keeping an eye on your belongings as you reach for that piece of fruit.

44:55 They call therein for every fruit in perfect security.

If you like strong aromas, you will be well served by a spring that gushes water mixed with camphor and whose capacity increases the more people drink from it.

76:5 The pious will surely drink from a cup whose mixture is camphor,

76:6 A spring from which the servants of Allah shall drink, making it gush abundantly.

That may not be the case for a spring named Salsabil whose output will be parceled out in measured quantities by those legendary immortal boys with alabaster complexions.

 76:15 And cup-bearers shall go round them with vessels of silver and goblets of glass,

76:16 Goblets of silver which they measured exactly.

76:17 And they are given therein to drink a cup whose mixture is ginger.

76:18 A spring therein is called Salsabil.

76:19 And there go round them immortal boys; when you see them, you will think that they are scattered pearls.

Beef dishes may also be available, assuming Allah allows the beasts of Paradise to be slaughtered. Cattle were probably domesticated there—my understanding of "subdued" in Revelation 36:72—after which eight pairs were sent down to Earth, Revelation 39:6.

36:71 Have they not seen that We have created for them, of Our Handiwork, cattle whereof they are now the owners?

36:72 And We subdued them to them, so that of some are their mounts and of some they eat.

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39:6 He created you from a single soul; then, out of it, He made its mate, and brought down for you of the cattle eight pairs…

Apart from fruits, and perhaps beef dishes as a break from all those “fowl” servings, there is no mention of other types of dishes on Allah’s menu. However, this does not mean there are none. In the Koran, Allah does allow the eating of fish.

5:96 Lawful to you is the catch of the sea and its food as an enjoyment for you and for travellers; but unlawful to you is the game of the land so long as you are on pilgrimage. Fear Allah unto Whom you shall be gathered.

As a bonus, Muhammad revealed that the first 70 thousand to enter Paradise will be served a portion of fish liver. Yummy!

Narrated Anas:

Abdullah bin Salam heard the news of the arrival of Allah's Apostle (at Medina) while he was on a farm collecting its fruits. So he came to the Prophet and said, "I will ask you about three things which nobody knows unless he be a prophet. Firstly, what is the first portent of the Hour? What is the first meal of the people of Paradise? And what makes a baby look like its father or mother?"

The Prophet said, "Just now Gabriel has informed me about that."

Abdullah said, "Gabriel?"

The Prophet said, "Yes."

Abdullah said, "He, among the angels is the enemy of the Jews."

On that the Prophet recited this Holy Verse: "Whoever is an enemy to Gabriel (let him die in his fury!) for he has brought it (i.e. Qur'an) down to your heart by Allah's permission." (2:97)

Then he added, "As for the first portent of the Hour, it will be a fire that will collect the people from the East to West. And as for the first meal of the people of Paradise, it will be the caudite (i.e. extra) lobe of the fish liver. And if a man's discharge proceeded that of the woman, then the child resembles the father, and if the woman's discharge proceeded that of the man, then the child resembles the mother."

On hearing that, Abdullah said, "I testify that None has the right to be worshipped but Allah, and that you are the Apostle of Allah.

Bukhari 60.7

What may be inferred by Gabriel’s communication to Muhammad about meals for early arrivals is that you may not have much choice in what Allah serves as the meal of the day, and this is understandable. He is but one god with billions upon billions of people to feed. If the angels and jinn also require nourishment, the number of meals Allah will have to prepare every day could easily exceed a trillion and then some.

Maybe His houris, like the android Data of Star Trek: The Next Generation, will not require sustenance. Of course, if houris don’t eat, then food cannot be part of the foreplay and that is a shame. It will make building a meaningful relationship—if that is even possible with a facsimile programmed for non-stop fornication—even more difficult.

Smell

It was on his first visit to Paradise that Muhammad noticed that the ground he walked on was permeated with the main ingredient of his favourite perfume: musk.

Narrated Abu Dhar:

Then Gabriel took me till we reached Sidrat-il-Muntaha (Lote tree of; the utmost boundary [of Paradise]) which was shrouded in colors, indescribable. Then I was admitted into Paradise where I found small (tents or) walls (made) of pearls and its earth was of musk.

Bukhari 6.345

Its pungent smell will be everywhere, especially in the vicinity of his private river retreat in Paradise.

Narrated Anas bin Malik:

The Prophet said: "While I was walking in Paradise (on the night of Mi'raj), I saw a river, on the two banks of which there were tents made of hollow pearls. I asked, ‘What is this, O Gabriel?'

He said, 'That is the Kauthar which Your Lord has given to you.' Behold! Its scent or its mud was sharp smelling musk!"

Bukhari 76.583

The smell of musk will not only emanate from the soil, but from the sweat generated from the eating of spicy foods common in regional Middle Eastern cuisine (the prevalent cuisine of Paradise) and from the perspiration of billions of humongous men sweating bullets during the sustained vigorous ploughing of their houris.

Narrated Abu Huraira:

Allah's Apostle said, "The first group of people who will enter Paradise, will be glittering like the full moon and those who will follow them, will glitter like the most brilliant star in the sky. They will not urinate, relieve nature, spit, or have any nasal secretions. Their combs will be of gold, and their sweat will smell like musk. The aloe wood will be used in their centers. Their wives will be houris. All of them will look alike and will resemble their father Adam (in stature), sixty cubits tall."

 Bukhari 55.544

Whether a houri sweats during a spirited sexual workout with a man who can literally keep it up (pun intended) forever is a matter for scholars. Even a wounded warrior’s blood will smell like musk. Why God did not heal him when He put him back together to judge him is a mystery.

Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet said, "A wound which a Muslim receives in Allah's cause will appear on the Day of Resurrection as it was at the time of infliction; blood will be flowing from the wound and its color will be that of the blood but will smell like musk."

Bukhari 4:238

If Muhammad performed cunnilingus on any of his wives, concubines, or slave-girls shortly after their periods, he probably breathed in his favourite aroma.

Narrated Aisha:

A woman asked the Prophet about the bath which is take[n] after finishing from the menses.

The Prophet told her what to do and said, "Purify yourself with a piece of cloth scented with musk."

The woman asked, "How shall I purify myself with it?"

He said, "Subhan Allah (Glorious is God)! Purify yourself (with it)."

I pulled her to myself and said, "Rub the place soiled with blood with it."

Bukhari 6.311

This pervasive musky odour will mask the sweetest smell of all, that of the woman herself. What houris might smell like, I haven’t a clue, but if I had to guess…?

Musk is not on the list of fragrances that research has shown have the greatest impact on a man’s sexual performance.

The combined odor of lavender and pumpkin pie had the greatest effect, increasing median penile-blood flow by 40%.

Second in effectiveness was the combination of black licorice and doughnut, which increased the median penile-blood flow 31.5%.

The combined odors of pumpkin pie and doughnut was third, with a 20% increase.

Least stimulating was cranberry, which increased penile blood flow by 2%…

Psychology Today: The Science of Sex and Smell, October 2019.

Musk is not even in the top ten fragrances women and men rated as having the properties of an aphrodisiac, which are as follows: pumpkin, lavender, vanilla, strawberry, jasmine, ginger, black licorice, cinnamon, doughnut and pink grapefruit. Then again, men with permanent erections won’t require an aphrodisiac to be turned on, and neither will their houris; it’s their default (and only) setting. It may be too much trouble for a god who likes to keep things simple to supply what is not normally found on desert oases such as doughnuts.

Musk—in moderation—is a lovely fragrance, but is that the only scent you want to tickle your nose for an eternity, whether you’re simply lounging or enjoying the women, real and fake, that God has put at your beck and call?

Scenery

An oasis is a nice place to visit, but would you want to spend an eternity on one, even if the smell was not always that of musk?

Even if the only form of entertainment was not one-on-one sex 24/7 and watching people writhe in pain on fire in Hell below?

Even if you could dress in more casual clothing of varied colours, and all the people you encountered didn’t looked like you and were not the same age, and you could talk about whatever you wanted?

Even if the floor covering and the couches were not all green like the matching robes everyone will be wearing?

Even if God offered a more varied menu that catered beyond an Arab desert dweller’s palate, one that included wine stronger than grape juice, vegetables and dessert?

Allah, like His spokesman, is set in His ways and there is no altering His Words or His Creation, so you’re stuck with His Paradise.

10:64 Theirs is the good news in the present life and the Hereafter. And there will be no alteration of the Words of Allah. That is the great triumph.

30:30 So, set your face towards religion uprightly. It is the original nature according to which Allah fashioned mankind. There is no altering Allah’s Creation. That is the true religion; but most men do not know.

You certainly won’t be able to complain to management!

78:35 Therein, they do not hear any idle talk or denunciation.

78:36 A reward from your Lord, a sufficient gift;

78:37 The Lord of the heavens and the earth and what lies between them; the Compassionate to Whom they do not have the power to speak.

When He separated the mass that was the Universe into Heaven and Earth, Allah could have made Paradise another Earth with its varied vistas, but instead focused on transforming the enormity of His domain in the sky into a place His spokesman would feel right at home.

Joyce was the girl with whom I was intimate for the longest period of time before I met Lucette. We did it everywhere my car could take us: in the mountains, in the forest, in open fields, by the sea, by lakes and rivers…and yes, we also did it in comfortable beds. The car provided us with the opportunity to have sex hundreds of miles from our homes in all kind of different locales which made the sex that much more memorable. We also did it in the car with the rain falling, the snow blowing, the Sun shining, with a hovering moon on the horizon visible through the back window… You get the idea.

Even if you decided to move about Paradise with your string of houris in tow, the place you end up will be very much like the place you left behind, and you will have traveled all that distance on foot, or on the back of cattle, for little or no reward.

40:79 It is Allah Who created for you the cattle, so that some you may ride and some you may eat.

For a god who allegedly created such a diverse planet—with vast oceans, mountain ranges that reached above the clouds, beaches that stretch to the horizons, unbounded plains and forests—to model His entire Paradise on His spokesman’s corner of the world is a testament to Muhammad’s unparalleled influence with God.

The contrived blandness of the people of Paradise and their self-same attire, the blandness of the food and the place itself with its uniform smell of musk and unchanging scenery, leaves much to be desired as an inspirational setting for sex for an eternity.

Sex by the Numbers

38:50-52 Gardens of Eden whereof the gates are wide-open for them. Reclining therein and calling for abundant fruit and beverage. And they have mates of equal age, averting their gaze.

 "And they have mates of equal age" means that, upon entering Paradise, boys and men, women and girls will be transformed into 30- or 33-year-olds with identical complexions.

With regard to their ages, they will all enter Paradise at the age of strength and youth, thirty-three years old. It was narrated from Mu’aadh ibn Jabal that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “The people of Paradise will enter Paradise hairless, beardless with their eyes anointed with kohl, aged thirty or thirty-three years.”

al-Tirmidhi 2545

In Paradise, all these thirty-something will be having sex everywhere:  in the tent, the apartment, the house or the palace they have been assigned by Allah depending on their devotion to His Cause while in the land where a stomach and intestines were necessary for digestion.

Jabir reported:

I heard Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him) as saying that the inmates of Paradise would eat and drink but would neither spit, nor pass water, nor void excrement, nor suffer catarrah. It was said: Then, what would happen with food? Thereupon he said: They would belch and sweat (and it would be over with their food), and their sweat would be that of musk and they would glorify and praise Allah as easily as you breathe.

Sahih Muslim 40.6798

In Paradise, Allah from His perch in the 7th heaven, like the ultimate voyeur with see-through vision, will be able to watch His favourite gender doing it ad nauseam having provided it, according to a respected 16th Egyptian cleric, with permanent erections with which to pummel, one after the other, the engineered “appetizing vaginas” with regenerative hymens.

Each time we sleep with a houri we find her virgin. Besides, the penis of the Elected never softens. The erection is eternal; the sensation that you feel each time you make love is utterly delicious and out of this world and were you to experience it in this world you would faint. Each chosen one [Muslim] will marry seventy [sic] houris, besides the women he married on earth, and all will have appetizing vaginas.

Al-Suyuti (died 1505)

A warning from the makers of Viagra

If you have an erection that lasts more than 4 hours, get medical help right away. If it is not treated right away, priapism can permanently damage your penis. 

Men will also be able to do it 24/7 since they won’t require sleep or grow weary from all that pounding.

15:48 They shall not be touched by fatigue therein, nor will they be driven out.

From this point forward, I will no longer play Allah’s game of using euphemisms like “enjoy” when they mean “fuck.” The young men and women He seeks to persuade to kill and die on his behalf should have a full appreciation of what Paradise is all about. By calling, to use an abused cliché, a spade a spade, I hope to dispel any notions they might have about a romantic afterlife that might make eternity, in even the dullest of settings, bearable.

All Allah’s afterlife has to offer as a distraction from all that sex is scheduled servings of food ordinarily found on an oasis with some animal husbandry, mainly chicken. Sex in a bland, unchanging setting with identical people, invariable scenery and a limited menu will quickly lose much of its charm.

Even if you get the maximum 72 houris—at the cost of impressing Allah by committing a truly horrific mass murder—all programmed to expertly execute the 64 positions of the Kama Sutra, this will still leave you with only 4,608 different coital experiences. That is, assuming that each manufactured vagina is built to different specs and not all calibrated to provide the same sensation from penetration to climax—what science refers to as the mean intravaginal ejaculation latency time (which in the here-and-now takes, on average, 5.4 minutes).

Four thousand six hundred and eight may seem like a big number, but we are talking an eternity here. There will be a lot of non-stop fornication in Paradise with nothing much to do, think or talk about, just fuck and eat. And by a lot, I mean everybody will be doing it almost all the time, at least for the first few years, at which point even fucking will become dull and repetitive. Like the rest of the dreariest of paradises imaginable, this should leave many wondering if it was worth the atrocities committed on Allah’s behalf to get there before everyone else.

Based on the average intravaginal ejaculation latency time of 5.4 minutes, a man could conceivably have sex with 11 houris per hour. With an eternity ahead of you, you may want to take your time and space them out every hour or so, between snacks. That still means, with a maximum number of houris each performing a permutation of the 64 positions of the Kama Sutra per fucking session, you will have tried every position with every single one of your houris in about 192 days. (Remember: in Paradise you don’t need sleep, get tired, or lose your erection.) Just over six months to get back to the beginning and start over, and over and over for millions of years and then some.

But don't feel too bad for the men; for the few real women whom Allah will allow into his Paradise, things will be much worse. They will spend most of eternity waiting their turn, competing with manufactured, large-breasted nymphomaniacs for their husband’s attention.

A Semenless Experience

There is another three-word phrase sometimes used by a woman to express affection for the man making love to her without the intention of impregnating her. When spoken out of love, not just lust, these three words will leave almost as strong an impression as her first time saying, “I love you."

Traditional Muslim men will never hear these words, either here or in the Hereafter, out of love nor out of lust. In the now, it is because he is directed by God to deposit his sperm in the receptacle He has provided for that purpose, a receptacle that has no say in the matter. In Paradise, men will stop producing semen altogether, so the request in that venue is moot.

When I started making love to Margaret, I practiced coitus interruptus. We had been having sex for maybe a couple of weeks, and I was about to do what God’s spokesman warned against when I heard that evocative three-word expression: “Come inside me.”

I did, and after I rolled off her, she pressed her body against mine, the top of her head beneath my chin. Suppressing a shiver, she whispered: “You're inside me; part of you is inside me.” It’s corny, I know, and a person my age recounting those words might have you gagging. Well, too bad!

Why am I telling you this? A man ejaculating his sperm into a woman’s vagina is part of the bonding experience of sex between two people who care for each other. Whether she says it out loud, out of love or lust, or doesn’t say it all, when a woman with a choice allows a man to leave part of him inside her, she is acknowledging that he is special to her in some way, and that acknowledgement is not lost on her lover.

Houris know nothing about this bonding ritual. These mindless creatures are yours to be fucked, not to bond with, and they will fuck you in return, whether you have feelings for them or not, for that is their built-in purpose. If Allah had wanted you to bond with His houris, he would not have deprived you of a bonding agent.

3:185 Every soul shall taste death; and you shall receive your rewards in full on the Day of Resurrection. Whoever is removed from Hell and is admitted into Paradise wins. Life in this world is nothing but an illusory pleasure.

Sex without semen is, of this there is no doubt, the illusory pleasure. Your pelvic muscles will still go through the motions associated with orgasm, one has to assume, but there will be nothing to force out from the opening at the end of your penis.

[An] orgasm [in men] is also associated with powerful and highly pleasurable pelvic muscle contractions…

Ejaculation occurs in a series of rapid-fire contractions of the penile muscles and around the base of the anus…

The nerves causing the muscle contractions send messages of pleasure to the man's brain.

NCBI National Center for Biotechnology Information website.

In Paradise, how the pleasure centres of the brain will interpret these muscle contractions meant to expel semen is anyone’s guess. What that 16th-century Egyptian cleric had to say about semen-free orgasms being “utterly delicious” should be taken with a ton or two of salt by anyone contemplating perishing in a sacred explosion to experience one.

This same cleric concluded, from Muhammad’s claim that the people of Paradise “will not urinate, relieve nature,” that the anus, no longer needed, will disappear along with the butt crack, leaving the people of Paradise with a posterior in the shape of a cushion. (Sexuality in Islam by Abdelwahab Bouhdiba). That would definitely rule out anal sex. If you want to give anal sex a try, you will have to do it in the here-and-now.

How did we go from a perfectly normal, if a little messy, transfer of bodily fluids to mimicry where nothing is expelled? You may notice a trend here: any output from the body’s orifices, from the nostrils to the anus, that might leave a stain or require disposal will no longer be an issue in Paradise.

Semen would have to be near the top of the list. Imagine more than a trillion people fucking 24/7 with semen leaking out of billions of vaginas, doing what it did to my pants my first time with Joyce, all over Allah’s lovely green rugs, green cushions and green upholstery. They would soak up the stuff, leaving Allah with a never-ending unholy mess to clean up.

Obviously, God has no intention of picking up after His guests. This seems to be the conclusion of scholars and clerics based on a verse of the Koran and a saying of Muhammad.

I will let the good folks at Islam Question & Answer (Q&A), “a website which aims to offer advice and academic answers based on evidence from religious texts in an adequate and easy-to-understand manner,” explain why men in Paradise will not be hosing their spouses, inside or out, with their semen, whether these women are facsimiles or the real thing.

In Paradise, a husband has sexual intercourse with his wife and they both find pleasure, but this is done without releasing semen.

Allah the Almighty says: “And they will have therein purified spouses, and they will abide therein eternally.” [Quran 2:25]

Commenting on this verse, Mujaahid and ‘Ataa’ may Allah have mercy upon them mentioned that the people of Paradise are purified from menstruation, urine and semen.

Also, it was reported on the authority of Abu Umaamah may Allah be pleased with him that the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said that the people of Paradise have sexual intercourse with their spouses with a male organ that does not drain and a desire that does not subside.

There is another bonding ritual where a woman does not just passively accept a man’s semen, but actively seeks it. This is what Anne did without being asked when she moved to the end of the bed, kneeled, wrapped her lips around it and persevered.

To quote Samantha Jones of Sex and the City, “They don’t call it a blow job for nothin. It’s hard work.” Not only that, but it takes practice to make even an average length penis completely disappear without gagging—even if it is not necessary for a totally enjoyable experience—and to develop the techniques that will get the job done before the jaw gets too sore to continue.

When it all comes together, pun intended, oral sex can be as exciting as coitus, if not more so, because there is a strong visual component adding to the intense sensations and the undeniable satisfaction of a loving partner’s commitment to your pleasure.

We are impressed by partners who, like Anne, will take it all the way to please us and not simply engage in the act as a mere prelude to penetration or in expectation of reciprocity (although that can be fun, too). Just like the first time invited to come inside a lover’s vagina, it will not leave the recipient of such devotion unmoved. Of course, Allah could easily program His houris to do the “job” on cue, but on cue is not what it’s all about and just doing the “job” is not really where it’s at.

I’m showing my age. Women know that, for men, there is a fascination with what Muhammad described as “water [that] is thick and white” and what she will do with it, or allow her lover to do to her, when it comes shooting out, such as spraying any part of her body he fancies. Her willingness to have her body be her lover’s canvas makes the bonding experience even more memorable by bringing out the creativity in the artist. You can imagine the possibilities, but only if you can produce the stuff in the first place.

Muhammad’s idea of a varied sex life appears to be a different vagina for every day of the week, if not every day of the month. He may have been a breast man (see the following hadith about fondling his child bride’s breasts), which would explain the aforementioned “round-breasted mates” featured as heavenly companions.

Narrated Aisha:

The Prophet and I used to take a bath from a single pot while we were Junub. During the menses, he used to order me to put on an Izar (dress worn below the waist) and used to fondle me.

While in Itikaf, he used to bring his head near me and I would wash it while I used to be in my periods (menses).

Bukhari 6.298

So don’t expect Allah’s houris to do more than present their genitals for you to fuck and their breasts for you to fondle. Unlike with the women you may have fucked in real life—assuming you are not so lacking in curiosity that you did not take a few to bed before settling on the houris—there are a variety of evocative scenes you will not witness or experience in Paradise that strike a chord with the visual sex.

Studies using erotic audio-visuals have demonstrated that when it comes to sex, for women it’s the mood that inspires, while for men it’s the visuals*. Visuals that will be impossible to recreate in Paradise, such as a blow job with semen; and let us not forget the not-so-aptly named creampie, a word that describes both the act of creating the so-called pie then having your lover show you what you left behind as it slowly leaks out.

Forget the visuals; what about a man’s now-useless balls, which no one may care to play with unless Allah programs his houris to kiss and fondle them? It won’t be same as when they had a purpose and your partner could pay them attention to encourage their hard work. Of course, that is only relevant if a utilitarian god lets you keep them.

Just like houris who are not real women, men in Paradise will not be real men, so young men, enjoy being real in the here-and-now for as long as you can! Don’t let older men convince you that sex is better in Paradise. They are lying. With you out of the way, it leaves more real women for them to enjoy in a way only a real man can.

Allah should have left, if not increased, the proverbial icing on the cake for the young men (and increasingly, the young women) who would sacrifice so much for Him. Women also lose out from Allah serving young men a bland cake from a restricted menu in recognition of their sacrifice, and it’s not only men who appreciate the additional dimension that semen brings to their lovemaking.

There is a practical aspect to male ejaculation that Allah might have considered before deciding to end its production in the Hereafter.

New research has investigated the role that male ejaculation plays in female sexual satisfaction for the first time.

The preliminary study found, among other things, that many women report experiencing more intense orgasms when their partner ejaculates. The findings appear in The Journal of Sexual Medicine (September 28, 2018).

“The study was mainly informed by clinical observations. During my practical, clinical work I noticed that women have very strong opinions regarding men’s ejaculation — and I am not speaking about the clinical criteria that most research usually focuses on such as intravaginal ejaculation latency time or how long the man can control or prolong his ejaculation,” explained study author Andrea Burri of the European Institute for Sexual Health.

They found that 50.43% of women considered it very important that their partner ejaculates during intercourse.

“Quite a lot of women indicated that they themselves experienced more intense orgasms when their partner ejaculated, or when they had the feeling that the partner’s ejaculation was more intense, and/or when he expelled a greater ejaculate quantity (subjectively felt).”

From PsyPost, “a psychology and neuroscience news website dedicated to reporting the latest research on human behavior, cognition, and society.”

Unlike for men, there is no mention in any scriptural exegesis (explanation or interpretation of a text) consulted to demonstrate how God will make up for the decrease in sexual satisfaction occasioned by the loss of a fully inserted spasmodic penis sending jets of hot sperm crashing into a woman’s cervix.

Try explaining to your houris what it was like having sex with a female into whom you ejaculated—assuming you had such an experience before you killed yourself—and what effect it had on her. They wouldn’t have a clue. Their loss, and yours as well!

I found nothing in the Koran or in the hadiths of the Sunni canon about a houri experiencing an orgasm. This does not mean that they couldn’t, but since they are designed for men’s gratification, why would God bother? There would, of course, be complex programming involved in a facsimile mimicking the multifaceted physiological changes that accompany the buildup to an orgasm, as described by actress Jennifer Morrison in the television series House.

Pupils dilate. Arteries constrict. Core temperature rises; the heart races. Blood pressure skyrockets. Respiration becomes rapid and shallow. The brain fires electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere. Secretions spit out of every gland. Muscles tense and spasm like you’re lifting three times your body weight. It’s violent, it’s ugly and it’s messy [and] … unbelievably fun.

Why would He bother if all men care about is fucking virgins, as seems to be Allah’s impression, meaning that what really turns you on is your partner’s lack of experience and discomfort, not necessarily her pleasure? It is much simpler for Him to regenerate the hymen of these virgins so that when it’s their turn again, for the millionth time and then some—again, we are talking an eternity here—you have an identical experience, over and over…

If doing it with a virgin is what you imagine as the ultimate sexual high, you will miss out on a lot, especially if you expedite yourself to Allah before you have time to experience sex the way it has evolved from the days of the caveman who simply mimicked animals. You will be missing out on sex with a context and purpose, one perhaps beyond the awareness of our caveman’s ancestors.

A houri is, in essence, a sophisticated sex toy made to look and behave like a demure virgin, even after she has been fucked for the millionth time. It is simply a plaything that God programmed with the skills of a veteran whore, perhaps capable of giving you a semenless blow job, but it won’t be the same.

Houris are pleasure mates who are soulless and programmed to please believing men’s every carnal desire.

Yahiya Emerick, American convert and bestselling author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Islam.

Those counterfeit virgins will always be waiting, so stick around to experience what I believe most fathers would agree is the best sex of all: starting with the intent of creating another human being all the way to being intimate with the mother-to-be as her pregnancy progresses to its magical conclusion. Having never had children, I can only imagine the full experience, but from what I have been told, it is one to be savoured and cherished forever.

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* Chung, W., Lim, S., Yoo, J. & Yoon, H. (2013). “Gender difference in brain acti-vation to audio-visual sexual stimulation; Do women and men experience the same level of arousal in response to the same video clip?” International Journal of Impo-tence Research, 25, 138-142.