Love, Sex and Islam

Sex in the Here-And-Now

Anne Part 1

We had been married for more than seven years when I found myself in bed being intimate with someone other than my Lucette. If you love your wife, you never plan on these things—they just happen.

I was the prime contractor on a project to install a computer-based management information system at a government department, which shall remain nameless, when a member of the team, a government employee, took a liking to me. I don’t recall exactly how it happened, but one evening, after working late and having a few beers at a pub close to where she lived, I found myself in her bedroom, at the top of a long flight of stairs, watching her do a hurried striptease. When all she had on was a smile, she walked over to help me get my clothes off.

When we were both at the same disadvantage, we embraced and fell unto that damned waterbed of hers. I had never made love on such a thing where your aim is constantly being tested, even in the missionary position, as you try to match the rhythm of the waves rocking her, and you, up and down. Thrust with too much enthusiasm and you only create bigger waves.

To survive that first encounter, I kept my hips glued to hers, executing only short strokes, barely venturing outside a soaked entrance, afraid of not being able to quickly stumble my way back in. Needless to say, this being the first time with another woman in so many years, I came and she didn’t, even if her excitement was palpable.

I flopped over on my back and she sat up facing me. She put both hands and forearms on my chest and leaned forward. A few inches from my face, she purred: “Did you like it?”

I really liked the way she asked if had liked it. I said it was alright.

Just what a woman, or a man for that matter—usually the ones to ask that question—wants to hear! My Lucette said it was impossible for me not to tell the truth if asked a straightforward question. I guess I had just proved her right.

I followed up my tepid approval of a performance that was not her fault—I blame the bed and my lack of sea legs—with: “I am probably the worst lover you’ve ever had.”

She did not contradict me.

I’ve slept on other waterbeds since, where the wave motion is nothing like what I experienced on Anne’s contraption. Hers may have been an early economy model. If there was one good thing about her waterbed, it was that it was low to the ground. I had gotten better at riding the waves when I asked if we could do it with her on her hands and knees.

She rolled off the bed and assumed the position, perhaps afraid that a moving target could lead to a sudden pain in her attractive posterior. I don’t remember if the floor was carpeted but it must have been.

In Paradise everything will be carpeted, so the only thing you risk if you decide to get off the couch and do it on the floor, or the ground, is your houris getting carpet burns.

88:10 In a lofty Garden;

88:11 Wherein no idle talk is heard;

88:12 Wherein is a flowing spring;

88:13 Wherein are upraised couches;

88:14 And cups ranged around,

88:15 And cushion in rows; 88:16

And carpets spread out.

Tainted Lips

Another time, Anne did not have to ask if I liked it. Her eyes seem to seek my approval as her head went up and down, and I was happy to give it when she was done and returned to lie next to me. What I was not ready to do was kiss her.

A lovely young woman who worked for me part-time when I worked out of our house would often join my Lucette and I for supper. She once volunteered that she liked to give head but didn’t like it when men came in her mouth, which is why she warned them to let her know when they were about to come. We had friends over at the time. I don’t remember what someone said to prompt Chantal to admit to such a thing.

She was not finished. One time, she said, the man she was with ignored her warning. “I showed him,” she bragged. “I rolled it up into a ball, kissed him on the mouth and gave it right back, then asked how he liked it.”

I didn’t know you could do that with semen; roll it up into a ball that you could actually roll from one mouth into another. Not that I expected Anne to do that, as it was evident when her face was next to mine, lips slightly parted, that there was nothing left to roll. I softly told Chantal, who was seated to my left, that maybe we should change the subject, so we never found out what the guy thought about her return volley.

Anne said it was her small mouth that made it that much more pleasurable. It was not only her mouth—if the size of a woman’s buccal cavity has anything to with it—that kicked it up a notch, but the visual of her kneeling at the end of the bed, head down, bottom up, her eyes looking up at me, never once letting her lips let go, no matter the tempo, with her heart-shaped, creamy white behind swaying as if in a light breeze, then coming to a standstill as she concentrated on the grand finale.

The Koran talks about sex and guarantees that it is better in Paradise but doesn’t go into specifics and that includes oral sex. Even Uzza is unsure if it is halal in the here-and-now, let alone in the Hereafter.

Uzza: Muhammad considered flutes phallic symbols. He warned the believers about the seductive power of musical instruments that resembled a man's penis into which you blew and used your fingers to coax out a tune.

Bob: That brings up an interesting question.

Archie: I‘ll bet!

Bob: Can Muslim girls do that, blow it or play with it until he comes?

Uzza: When it comes to a girl putting a man’s penis in her mouth with the purpose of pleasuring her lover, scholars are all over the place.

Bob: What other purpose is there?

Uzza: There is more of a consensus around a man performing cunnilingus, but still many disagree. The main objection to both cunnilingus and fellatio is that lips and tongues are used to recite the Koran and touching another person’s private parts renders them unclean for that purpose.

Archie: That is why God invented mouthwash, I am sure.

A Back Passage Adventure

We had been doing it for maybe a couple of weeks when Anne invited me to sample what Norman Mailer characterized as the most intimate form of sex a woman can offer a man.

We were having intercourse from the back with her lying on her side, the so-called spooning position, when a body quake centred on where I was still doing my best to keep up signalled that she had arrived—but I hadn’t.

With the last aftershock, she more than intimated that she would like me to move it up a little. Did she really want it that way?

“What did you just say?” I whispered into her ear.

She replied with emphasis: “f___ me in the a__!“

I still can’t bring myself to say it in polite company, let alone write it down knowing you might be offended. Uzza, on the other hand, like Anne, is not squeamish and doesn’t mince words. She can help you fill in the blanks if you are still struggling to figure out the phrase like a confused contestant on Wheel of Fortune.

The following is part of Uzza’s response to Bob’s question about whether they did it the way Anne had requested in Paradise.

Bob: [awkwardly] In Paradise, do they do it… that way?

Uzza: [knowing where he is going with this and feeling mischievous] What do you mean, “that way?”

Bob: The thing the Backstreet Boys sang about wanting it that way?

Gerry: Is that what the song is about?

Archie: In Bob’s mind.

Uzza: Come on, say it. What way would that be?

Bob: You know, sex, in the you-know-where?

Uzza: You mean will those blushing maidens and houris and what-not get fucked in the ass?

Bob: [stunned] Yes, but I would not have put it that way.

Uzza: Do not be such a prude. Children of believing parents learn about anal sex from their mother before the age of seven as part of the sex education they get from their first full reading of the Koran. It cannot be avoided with Allah’s rants against homosexuals and sodomy.

Bob: Well, will they?

Uzza: Will they what? I forget.

Bob: Men do to women what Allah forbids men to do to other men.

Uzza: I would not know. In the Koran there is nothing about making love to a woman that way, but Allah is probably against it.

Gerry: That brings up an interesting question.

Uzza: I cannot wait to hear it.

With only a coating of lubrication from the place I withdrew to ease the way in (not recommended), I did what she asked—not once, but twice.

Is Uzza correct when she says Allah is probably against penetrating a woman that way?

God is not clear on the concept when women and girls are on the receiving end, but Muhammad assures us that Allah’s rantings in His Koran against those who commit sodomy includes those who would bugger females. In fact, Allah’s spokesman said that penetrating your wife that way is as big a sin as having intercourse with your wife while she is menstruating.

Narrated Abu Hurayrah:

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: If anyone… has intercourse with his wife when she is menstruating, or has intercourse with his wife through her anus, he has nothing to do with what has been sent down to Muhammad (peace be upon him).

Abu Dawud 29.3895

The following is one of more than a handful of revelations concerning the impurity that is a woman’s discharge of materials that makes the creation of babies possible.

2:222 And they ask you about menstruation, say: “It is an impurity.” So keep away from women during their menstruation and do not approach them (do not have sexual relations with them) until they are clean. Once they get clean get to them as Allah commanded you. Allah loves the repentant and loves those who purify themselves.

“As Allah commanded you” includes what in the West we would consider rape, or at least coerced sex.

2:223 Your women are a tillage for you. So get to your till-age whenever you like. Do good for yourselves, fear Allah and know that you shall meet Him. And give good news to the believers.

A wife must not deny the ploughman, even if she is busy preparing supper.

Ali reported God's messenger as saying, "When a man calls his wife to satisfy his desire she must go to him even if she is occupied at the oven."


 Obey your husband in everything or you risk a beating in this world and an eternity on fire in the next for denying him what Allah revealed was his absolute right to demand at any time.

4:34 … And those of them that you fear might rebel, admonish them and abandon them in their beds and beat them. Should they obey you, do not seek a way of harming them; for Allah is Sublime and Great!

Some enterprising scholars have used an observation by a companion of Muhammad to argue that “get to your tillage whenever you like” has to do with avoiding giving birth to a “squint-eyed child.”

Narrated Jabir:

Jews used to say: "If one has sexual intercourse with his wife from the back, then she will deliver a squint-eyed child." So this Verse was revealed: "Your wives are a tilth unto you; so go to your tilth when or how you will." (2.223).

Bukhari 60.51

“From the back” is how Anne and I were doing it, unaware that, by her insisting I switch furrows while maintaining my relative position, she was eliminating not only the risk of giving birth to a child born with a condition known as strabismus, but an unplanned pregnancy.

Sodomy as a form of birth control is undoubtedly not why Shia husbands, as oppose to Sunni husbands, are allowed to do more than just rub the tip against the entrance to what scholars refer to as a woman’s “back passage” and not risk burning in Hell for an eternity.

In Islam, even coitus interruptus as a means of birth control is frowned upon, even if it is meant to lessen the risk of pregnancy among female captives intended for ransom, which would adversely impact the amount someone would be willing to pay.

Narrated Abu Said Al-Khudri:

that while he was sitting with Allah's Apostle he said, "O Allah's Apostle! We get female captives as our share of booty, and we are interested in their prices, what is your opinion about coitus interruptus?"

The Prophet said, "Do you really do that? It is better for you not to do it. No soul that which Allah has destined to exist, but will surely come into existence."

Bukhari 34.432

In a hadith collected by the illustrious but less authoritative Imam Muslim (yes, that is his name), where the reason for holy warriors practicing coitus interruptus is made clear, Allah’s spokesperson is less adamant about those who fight in Allah’s Cause leaving it inside the captive’s “front passage” until there is nothing left to spill on the ground.

Abu Sirma said to Abu Sa'id al Khadri (Allah be pleased with him): 0 Abu Sa'id, did you hear Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) mentioning al-azl?

He said: Yes, and added: We went out with Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) on the expedition to the Bi'l-Mustaliq and took captive some excellent Arab women; and we desired them, for we were suffering from the absence of our wives, (but at the same time) we also desired ransom for them.

So we decided to have sexual intercourse with them but by observing azl (withdrawing the male sexual organ before emission of semen to avoid conception). But we said: We are doing an act whereas Allah's Messenger is amongst us; why not ask him?

So we asked Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him), and he said: It does not matter if you do not do it, for every soul that is to be born up to the Day of Resurrection will be born.

Imam Muslim 8:3371

Notable Ayatollahs have condoned, with some reluctance, full penetration of a wife’s back passage even if she is okay with it, for whatever reason.

Grand Ayatollah Sistani: “Anal intercourse between a married couple is permissible but ‘is bound to wife’s agreement… [the act itself] is strongly undesirable.’"

Grand Ayatollah Sadiq Hussaini Shirazi: "Anal sex is al-lowed with her (wife's) permission. Although very hated and discouraged."