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Love, Sex and Islam

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Sex in the Hereafter

A Semenless Experience

From this point forward, except when writing about women who have a place in my heart, I will no longer play Allah’s and Muhammad’s game of using euphemisms like “enjoy” when they mean “fuck.”

The young men and women He and His spokesman hope to persuade to kill and die on their behalf should have a full appreciation of what Paradise is all about. By calling, to use an abused cliché, a spade a spade, I hope to dispel any notions they might have about a romantic afterlife that might make eternity, in even the dullest of settings, bearable.

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There is another three-word phrase sometimes used by a woman to express affection for the man making love to her without the intention of impregnating her. When spoken out of love, not just lust, these three words will leave almost as strong an impression as her first time saying, “I love you."

Traditional Muslim men will never hear these words, either here or in the Hereafter, out of love nor out of lust. In the now, it is because he is directed by God to deposit his sperm in the receptacle He has provided for that purpose, a receptacle that has no say in the matter. In Paradise, men will stop producing semen altogether, so the request in that venue is moot.

When I started making love to Margaret, I practiced coitus interruptus. We had been having sex for maybe a couple of weeks, and I was about to do what God’s spokesman warned against when I heard that evocative three-word expression: “Come inside me.”

I did, and after I rolled off her, she pressed her body against mine, the top of her head beneath my chin. Suppressing a shiver, she whispered: “You're inside me; part of you is inside me.” It’s corny, I know, and a person my age recounting those words might have you gagging. Well, too bad!

Why am I telling you this? A man ejaculating his sperm into a woman’s vagina is part of the bonding experience of sex between two people who care for each other. Whether she says it out loud, out of love or lust, or doesn’t say it all, when a woman with a choice allows a man to leave part of him inside her, she is acknowledging that he is special to her in some way, and that acknowledgement is not lost on her lover.

Houris know nothing about this bonding ritual. These mindless creatures are yours to be fucked, not to bond with, and they will fuck you in return, whether you have feelings for them or not, for that is their built-in purpose. If Allah had wanted you to bond with His houris, he would not have deprived you of a bonding agent.

3:185 Every soul shall taste death; and you shall receive your rewards in full on the Day of Resurrection. Whoever is removed from Hell and is admitted into Paradise wins. Life in this world is nothing but an illusory pleasure.

Sex without semen is, of this there is no doubt, the illusory pleasure. Your pelvic muscles will still go through the motions associated with orgasm, one has to assume, but there will be nothing to force out from the opening at the end of your penis.

[An] orgasm [in men] is also associated with powerful and highly pleasurable pelvic muscle contractions…

Ejaculation occurs in a series of rapid-fire contractions of the penile muscles and around the base of the anus…

The nerves causing the muscle contractions send messages of pleasure to the man's brain.

NCBI National Center for Biotechnology Information website.

In Paradise, how the pleasure centres of the brain will interpret these muscle contractions meant to expel semen is anyone’s guess. What that 16th-century Egyptian cleric had to say about semen-free orgasms being “utterly delicious” should be taken with a ton or two of salt by anyone contemplating perishing in a sacred explosion to experience one.

This same cleric concluded, from Muhammad’s claim that the people of Paradise “will not urinate, relieve nature,” that the anus, no longer needed, will disappear along with the butt crack, leaving the people of Paradise with a posterior in the shape of a cushion. (Sexuality in Islam by Abdelwahab Bouhdiba). That would definitely rule out anal sex. If you want to give anal sex a try, you will have to do it in the here-and-now.

How did we go from a perfectly normal, if a little messy, transfer of bodily fluids to mimicry where nothing is expelled? You may notice a trend here: any output from the body’s orifices, from the nostrils to the anus, that might leave a stain or require disposal will no longer be an issue in Paradise.

Semen would have to be near the top of the list. Imagine more than a trillion people fucking 24/7 with semen leaking out of billions of vaginas, doing what it did to my pants my first time with Joyce, all over Allah’s lovely green rugs, green cushions and green upholstery. They would soak up the stuff, leaving Allah with a never-ending unholy mess to clean up.

Obviously, God has no intention of picking up after His guests. This seems to be the conclusion of scholars and clerics based on a verse of the Koran and a saying of Muhammad.

I will let the good folks at Islam Question & Answer (Q&A), “a website which aims to offer advice and academic answers based on evidence from religious texts in an adequate and easy-to-understand manner,” explain why men in Paradise will not be hosing their spouses, inside or out, with their semen, whether these women are facsimiles or the real thing.

In Paradise, a husband has sexual intercourse with his wife and they both find pleasure, but this is done without releasing semen.

Allah the Almighty says: “And they will have therein purified spouses, and they will abide therein eternally.” [Quran 2:25]

Commenting on this verse, Mujaahid and ‘Ataa’ may Allah have mercy upon them mentioned that the people of Paradise are purified from menstruation, urine and semen.

Also, it was reported on the authority of Abu Umaamah may Allah be pleased with him that the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said that the people of Paradise have sexual intercourse with their spouses with a male organ that does not drain and a desire that does not subside.

There is another bonding ritual where a woman does not just passively accept a man’s semen, but actively seeks it. This is what Anne did without being asked when she moved to the end of the bed, kneeled, wrapped her lips around it and persevered.

To quote Samantha Jones of Sex and the City, “They don’t call it a blow job for nothin. It’s hard work.” Not only that, but it takes practice to make even an average length penis completely disappear without gagging—even if it is not necessary for a totally enjoyable experience—and to develop the techniques that will get the job done before the jaw gets too sore to continue.

When it all comes together, pun intended, oral sex can be as exciting as coitus, if not more so, because there is a strong visual component adding to the intense sensations and the undeniable satisfaction of a loving partner’s commitment to your pleasure.

We are impressed by partners who, like Anne, will take it all the way to please us and not simply engage in the act as a mere prelude to penetration or in expectation of reciprocity (although that can be fun, too). Just like the first time invited to come inside a lover’s vagina, it will not leave the recipient of such devotion unmoved. Of course, Allah could easily program His houris to do the “job” on cue, but on cue is not what it’s all about and just doing the “job” is not really where it’s at.

I’m showing my age. Women know that, for men, there is a fascination with what Muhammad described as “water [that] is thick and white” and what she will do with it, or allow her lover to do to her, when it comes shooting out, such as spraying any part of her body he fancies. Her willingness to have her body be her lover’s canvas makes the bonding experience even more memorable by bringing out the creativity in the artist. You can imagine the possibilities, but only if you can produce the stuff in the first place.

Muhammad’s idea of a varied sex life appears to be a different vagina for every day of the week, if not every day of the month. He may have been a breast man (see the following hadith about fondling his child bride’s breasts), which would explain the aforementioned “round-breasted mates” featured as heavenly companions.

Narrated Aisha:

The Prophet and I used to take a bath from a single pot while we were Junub. During the menses, he used to order me to put on an Izar (dress worn below the waist) and used to fondle me.

While in Itikaf, he used to bring his head near me and I would wash it while I used to be in my periods (menses).

Bukhari 6.298

So don’t expect Allah’s houris to do more than present their genitals for you to fuck and their breasts for you to fondle. Unlike with the women you may have fucked in real life—assuming you are not so lacking in curiosity that you did not take a few to bed before settling on the houris—there are a variety of evocative scenes you will not witness or experience in Paradise that strike a chord with the visual sex.

Studies using erotic audio-visuals have demonstrated that when it comes to sex, for women it’s the mood that inspires, while for men it’s the visuals*. Visuals that will be impossible to recreate in Paradise, such as a blow job with semen; and let us not forget the not-so-aptly named creampie, a word that describes both the act of creating the so-called pie then having your lover show you what you left behind as it slowly leaks out.

Forget the visuals; what about a man’s now-useless balls, which no one may care to play with unless Allah programs his houris to kiss and fondle them? It won’t be same as when they had a purpose and your partner could pay them attention to encourage their hard work. Of course, that is only relevant if a utilitarian god lets you keep them.

Just like houris who are not real women, men in Paradise will not be real men, so young men, enjoy being real in the here-and-now for as long as you can! Don’t let older men convince you that sex is better in Paradise. They are lying. With you out of the way, it leaves more real women for them to enjoy in a way only a real man can.

Allah should have left, if not increased, the proverbial icing on the cake for the young men (and increasingly, the young women) who would sacrifice so much for Him. Women also lose out from Allah serving young men a bland cake from a restricted menu in recognition of their sacrifice, and it’s not only men who appreciate the additional dimension that semen brings to their lovemaking.

There is a practical aspect to male ejaculation that Allah might have considered before deciding to end its production in the Hereafter.

New research has investigated the role that male ejaculation plays in female sexual satisfaction for the first time.

The preliminary study found, among other things, that many women report experiencing more intense orgasms when their partner ejaculates. The findings appear in The Journal of Sexual Medicine (September 28, 2018).

“The study was mainly informed by clinical observations. During my practical, clinical work I noticed that women have very strong opinions regarding men’s ejaculation — and I am not speaking about the clinical criteria that most research usually focuses on such as intravaginal ejaculation latency time or how long the man can control or prolong his ejaculation,” explained study author Andrea Burri of the European Institute for Sexual Health.

They found that 50.43% of women considered it very important that their partner ejaculates during intercourse.

“Quite a lot of women indicated that they themselves experienced more intense orgasms when their partner ejaculated, or when they had the feeling that the partner’s ejaculation was more intense, and/or when he expelled a greater ejaculate quantity (subjectively felt).”

From PsyPost, “a psychology and neuroscience news website dedicated to reporting the latest research on human behavior, cognition, and society.”

Unlike for men, there is no mention in any scriptural exegesis (explanation or interpretation of a text) consulted to demonstrate how God will make up for the decrease in sexual satisfaction occasioned by the loss of a fully inserted spasmodic penis sending jets of hot sperm crashing into a woman’s cervix.

Try explaining to your houris what it was like having sex with a female into whom you ejaculated—assuming you had such an experience before you killed yourself—and what effect it had on her. They wouldn’t have a clue. Their loss, and yours as well!

I found nothing in the Koran or in the hadiths of the Sunni canon about a houri experiencing an orgasm. This does not mean that they couldn’t, but since they are designed for men’s gratification, why would God bother? There would, of course, be complex programming involved in a facsimile mimicking the multifaceted physiological changes that accompany the buildup to an orgasm, as described by actress Jennifer Morrison in the television series House.

Pupils dilate. Arteries constrict. Core temperature rises; the heart races. Blood pressure skyrockets. Respiration becomes rapid and shallow. The brain fires electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere. Secretions spit out of every gland. Muscles tense and spasm like you’re lifting three times your body weight. It’s violent, it’s ugly and it’s messy [and] … unbelievably fun.Pupils dilate. Arteries constrict. Core temperature rises; the heart races. Blood pressure skyrockets. Respiration becomes rapid and shallow. The brain fires electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere. Secretions spit out of every gland. Muscles tense and spasm like you’re lifting three times your body weight. It’s violent, it’s ugly and it’s messy [and] … unbelievably fun.

Why would He bother if all men care about is fucking virgins, as seems to be Allah’s impression, meaning that what really turns you on is your partner’s lack of experience and discomfort, not necessarily her pleasure? It is much simpler for Him to regenerate the hymen of these virgins so that when it’s their turn again, for the millionth time and then some—again, we are talking an eternity here—you have an identical experience, over and over…

If doing it with a virgin is what you imagine as the ultimate sexual high, you will miss out on a lot, especially if you expedite yourself to Allah before you have time to experience sex the way it has evolved from the days of the caveman who simply mimicked animals. You will be missing out on sex with a context and purpose, one perhaps beyond the awareness of our caveman’s ancestors.

A houri is, in essence, a sophisticated sex toy made to look and behave like a demure virgin, even after she has been fucked for the millionth time. It is simply a plaything that God programmed with the skills of a veteran whore, perhaps capable of giving you a semenless blow job, but it won’t be the same.

Houris are pleasure mates who are soulless and programmed to please believing men’s every carnal desire.

Yahiya Emerick, American convert and bestselling author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Islam.

Those counterfeit virgins will always be waiting, so stick around to experience what I believe most fathers would agree is the best sex of all: starting with the intent of creating another human being all the way to being intimate with the mother-to-be as her pregnancy progresses to its magical conclusion. Having never had children, I can only imagine the full experience, but from what I have been told, it is one to be savoured and cherished forever.

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* Chung, W., Lim, S., Yoo, J. & Yoon, H. (2013). “Gender difference in brain acti-vation to audio-visual sexual stimulation; Do women and men experience the same level of arousal in response to the same video clip?” International Journal of Impo-tence Research, 25, 138-142.