Boreal

Love, Sex and Islam

Sex in the Hereafter

Seven Stacked Sexopoles

56:15 Upon beds interwoven with gold;

56:16 Reclining upon them, facing each other.

56:17 While immortal youths go around them,

56:18 With goblets, pitchers and a cup of limpid drink.

56:19 Their heads do not ache from it and they do not become intoxicated.

56:20 And with such fruit as they care to choose;

56:21 And such flesh of fowl as they desire;

56:22 And wide-eyed houris,

56:23 Like hidden pearls;

56:24 As a reward for what they used to do.

In addition to houris, the lounging men enjoying a meal of chicken and fruit with non-alcoholic beverages will be offered a selection of wide-eyed maidens who also “resemble hidden pearls.”

37:45 A cup of pure spring water shall be passed around them;

37:46 Snow-white, a delight to drinkers.

37:47 Wherein there is no gall and they are not intoxicated by it.

37:48 And they also shall have wide-eyed maidens averting their gaze.

37:49 They resemble hidden pearls.

Scholars are all over the place as to who these maidens are. Respected Islamic information site Islamicstudies.info speculates that these maidens are probably “innocent girls who died immature and Allah will recreate them as young and beautiful women.” That is as good a far-fetched explanation as any.

In addition to the houris skilled in the sexual arts, some believers will also be able to enjoy extra-virginal virgins.

56:35 We have formed them originally;

56:36 And made them pure virgins,

56:37 Tender and unageing (sic),

56:38 For the Companions of the Right;

56:39 A throng of the ancients,

56:40 And a throng of the latecomers.

The Companions of the Right refers to “of the Right Hand," i.e., believers who were given their book of good and bad deeds in their right hand on Judgement Day before being admitted into Paradise. Remember, in Islam, right is good, left is bad.

As to “the ancients,” one explanation is that it is a reference to those who first embraced Islam. Conversely, “the latecomers” were the last to do so. Why God would make such a distinction is not clear, as is His distinction between your run-of-the-mill virgin and a pure one until you read Islamicstudies.info's explanation of Revelation 56:36:

This signifies the virtuous women of the world, who will enter Paradise on the basis of their faith and good works. Allah will make them young no matter how aged they might have died in the world; will make them beautiful whether or not they were beautiful in the world; and will make them virgins whether they died virgins in the world or after bearing children. If their husbands also entered Paradise with them, they would be joined with them. Otherwise, Allah will wed them to another dweller in Paradise.

The maidens may be hot, but the jinn are even hotter. Literally!

55:56 Therein are maidens lowering their glances and they have not been touched, before them by any man or jinn.

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55:15 And He created the jinn from tongues of fire.

Of all the characters in the Koran, jinns (referred to collectively as the jinn) are the most fascinating. The caricature of the genie is undoubtedly based on this creature of the Koran. The jinn are Allah’s most versatile and mischievous creation. They even have a chapter of the Koran named after them: Surah 72, The Jinn. Pre-Islamic Arabs believed in the existence of the jinn which may explain their significant presence throughout the Koran.

The jinn are a race of their own. Both humans and the jinn will be asked to deny the bounties that are the couches they recline upon and the fruit trees within reach.

55:31 We shall attend to you, O two races (Jinn and humans).

…

55:54 Reclining upon couches whose linings are of brocade and the fruits of the two gardens are near at hand.

55:55 So, which of your Lord's Bounties do you both (jinn and humans) deny?

What to make of a curious revelation where wives are to be found reclining with their husbands surrounded by their spouses’ promised rewards?

36:55 Today the Companions of Paradise are busy enjoying themselves;

36:56 Together with their spouses they are reclining on couches in the shade.

Wives will avert their gazes as they compete with wide-eyed maidens, pure virgins and houris for the attention of their lolling husbands.

38:49 This is a Reminder and the God-fearing will surely have a fair resort.

38:50 Gardens of Eden whereof the gates are wide-open for them.

38:51 Reclining therein and calling for abundant fruit and beverage.

38:52 And they have mates of equal age, averting their gaze.

38:53 “This is what you are promised for the Day of Reckoning.

38:54 “This is our provision which will not end.”

What Allah means, according to a saheeh hadith (a saying of Muhammad that is considered "sound and healthy"), by "And they have mates of equal age", Revelation 38:52, is that upon entering Paradise everyone will be transformed into 30- or 33-year-olds.

It was narrated from Mu’aadh ibn Jabal that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “The people of Paradise will enter Paradise hairless, beardless with their eyes anointed with kohl, aged thirty or thirty-three years.”

al-Tirmidhi 2545

And last but not least, the “round-breasted mates”, females whose breasts were enhanced to make them more attractive (Muhammad was very much what we would call a 'breasts man").

78:31 The God-fearing will score a victory,

78:32 Gardens and vineyards,

78:33 And round-breasted mates,

78:34 And a brim-full cup.

55:77 So, which of your Lord's Bounties do you both (Jinn and humans) deny?

55:78 Blessed be the Name of your Lord, full of majesty and splendour.

Deserving males who would rather have white-skinned, immortal boys waiting on them instead of purified voluptuous wives, blushing maidens, pure virgins, or perpetually aroused female facsimiles will not be disappointed.

52:24 And boys of their own will go around them, as if they were hidden pearls.

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76:19 And there go round them immortal boys; when you see them, you will think that they are scattered pearls.

What do you call a place where men lounge, drinking with other men, picking from platters of food while deciding which female on parade will next service them? A whorehouse comes to mind.

Just like the operator of a well-run brothel, Allah keeps His supply of facsimiles and the real thing out of reach until needed.

55:70 Therein are beautiful virtuous maidens.

55:72 Wide-eyed, cloistered in pavilions.

55:74 No man or jinn touched them before.

55:76 Reclining upon green cushions and superb rugs.

Shia Islam allows temporary marriages so men and women may have sex, often in cleric-supervised establishments, without being accused of illegal intercourse, but not Allah.

44:54 Thus it will be; and we gave them wide-eyed houris in marriage.

52:20 Reclining on ranged couches, and We shall wed them to wide-eyed houris.

The branding of the houris reinforces the permanency of a match made in Heaven. According to Malcolm Clark, Professor Emeritus of Religion at Butler University, in a Tradition of the Prophet, one of the houris’ voluptuous breasts is branded with the name of her husband and the other with the name of her husband’s benefactor, Allah. This will certainly make it easier for men to keep track of their herd of houris, making accidental fornication with another owner’s filly less likely.

The pain that a real woman would feel when having her breasts seared with Allah’s brand and the name of her owner—Arabic names, and the many believers who adopt them or the nomenclature, trace the lineage of the bearer and tend to be quite long—has to be unbelievably painful, especially if nipples are singed in order to accommodate a name as long or even longer than the Prophet’s full name: Abū al-Qāsim Muhammad ibn 'Abd Allāh ibn ‘Abd al-Muttalib ibn Hāshim.

Muhammad is the most common male name in the world, and probably in history, therefore, the full lineage of any owner by that name would definitely have to be burnt into a houris’ breast reserved for that purpose to avoid any confusion as to who she belongs to. Less common names could, of course, be abbreviated.

While Allah sadism is legendary, it is usually unbelievers who bring Him pleasure from the pain He revels in inflicting. This leads to me speculate that houris have no nervous system—with the obvious implication for their response during intercourse which would have to be faked, something any competent programmer can make happen on cue in a modern, sophisticated sex doll—and therefore feel neither pleasure nor pain from what is done to their android-like bodies.

In Paradise, you may have sex just about anywhere, anytime (on those open air couches is assumed); in the tent; in the apartment, house or palace you have been assigned by Allah depending on your devotion to His Cause while in the land where a digestive track is not a luxury.

Jabir reported:

I heard Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him) as saying that the inmates of Paradise would eat and drink but would neither spit, nor pass water, nor void excrement, nor suffer catarrah.

It was said: Then, what would happen with food?

Thereupon he said: They would belch and sweat (and it would be over with their food), and their sweat would be that of musk and they would glorify and praise Allah as easily as you breathe.

Sahih Muslim 40.6798

Believers will even engage in sex in mosques, which, in Paradise, are private property.

Narrated Ubdaidullah Al-Khaulani:

I heard Uthman bin Affan saying, when people argued too much about his intention to reconstruct the mosque of Allah's Apostle, "You have talked too much. I heard the Prophet saying, 'Whoever built a mosque, Allah would build for him a similar place in Paradise.'"

Bukhari 8.441

From His perch in the 7th heaven, Allah, like the ultimate voyeur, will be able to watch His favourite gender doing it ad nauseam, having provided them, according to a respected 16th century cleric, with permanent erections with which to pummel, one after the other ready-made “appetizing vaginas” with regenerative hymens.

Each time we sleep with a houri we find her virgin. Be-sides, the penis of the Elected never softens. The erection is eternal; the sensation that you feel each time you make love is utterly delicious and out of this world and were you to experience it in this world you would faint. Each chosen one [Muslim] will marry seventy [sic] houris, besides the women he married on earth, and all will have appetizing vaginas.

Al-Suyuti (died 1505)

Men will be able to do it 24/7 since they won’t require sleep or grow weary from all that pounding. They will be grateful to Allah for that as well.

15:48 They shall not be touched by fatigue therein, nor will they be driven out.

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35:34 They say: “Praise be to Allah Who lifted off our sorrow. Our Lord is indeed All-Forgiving, All-Thankful.

35:35 “He who out of His Bounty has made us dwell in the Abode of Everlasting Life, where no fatigue will touch us, nor any weariness.”

People having sex everywhere Allah looks will be the result of men having, apart from toasting their good fortune and praising God, nothing much else to do with no ultimate truth left to discover and everything done for them, including making what they eat disappear like magic once it has entered the esophagus.

The most pathetic reason why fornicating in Paradise will be so prevalent is that you will have no one to care for. Young daughters still at home when they died will be your age and been married off by Allah to a guy you have never met. Your male children will be your age and married off to houris and spinsters and given them a place of their own. All your relatives, including your father and mother will have been similarly modified and married off. Some of your male progeny and relatives may even be enjoying a greater number of real and fake females than you on a higher level of Paradise because of a more ghastly murder in Allah’s Cause. They may come down to visit but you can't go up to visit with them.

With everyone fornicating their brains out because they have not much else to do, a more apt description for Paradise than a whorehouse might be a sex metropolis or more precisely, seven sexopoles. Like different layers of a wedding cake, each is separated and held up by pillars not unlike those that stop the entirety of Paradise from crashing into the Earth. On the top layer, reminiscent of the statuette of the bride and groom, Allah sits on His Throne with Muhammad, the one who explained it all, by His side.

Cleric Mohammed Yusuf, the deceased leader of Boko Haram, Nigeria's largest gathering of holy warriors (whose designation literally means “non-Islamic education is a sin”), said in a 2009 BBC interview that a round Earth, space, and the stars are all an illusion created by Allah. He maintained that the Universe is what the Koran says it is: a seven-layered Paradise anchored to a flat Earth with the sun acting as a large lamp to illuminate it all.

78:12 And built above you seven mighty [heavens]?

78:13 And created a shining lamp?

Much of our earthly existence is occupied with the pursuit of knowledge and the ultimate truth. Who would have thought that the ultimate truth, exclusively revealed to a 7th century illiterate, is seven-stacked oasis? Or that the layer closest to the earth is a well-guarded canopy lit by lamps which we mistook for stars?

21:32 And We made the sky a well-guarded canopy; and they still turn away from its signs.

41:12 Then He completed them as seven heavens in two days and assigned to each heaven its proper order. And We adorned the lower heaven with lamps as protection (from the demons). That is the determination of the All-Mighty, the All-Knowing.

Muhammad, in his description of Paradise, reminded his listeners that there are ways to ensure a place in the best accommodations Paradise has to offer.

Narrated Samura:

The Prophet said, "Last night two men came to me (in a dream) and made me ascend a tree and then admitted me into a better and superior house, better of which I have never seen. One of them said, ‘This house is the house of martyrs.’"

Bukhari 52.49

What God’s spokesman refers to as Firdaus may be the place to find the best houris a god can manufacture.

Narrated Anas:

Um (the mother of) Haritha came to Allah's Apostle after Haritha had been martyred on the Day (of the battle) of Badr by an arrow thrown by an unknown person.

She said, "O Allah's Apostle! You know the position of Haritha in my heart (i.e. how dear to me he was), so if he is in Paradise, I will not weep for him, or otherwise, you will see what I will do."

The Prophet said, "Are you mad? Is there only one Para-dise? There are many Paradises, and he is in the highest Paradise of Firdaus."

The Prophet added, "A forenoon journey or an afternoon journey in Allah's Cause is better than the whole world and whatever is in it; and a place equal to an arrow bow of anyone of you, or a place equal to a foot in Paradise is better than the whole world and whatever is in it; and if one of the women of Paradise looked at the earth, she would fill the whole space between them (the earth and the heaven) with light, and would fill whatever is in between them, with perfume, and the veil of her face is better than the whole world and whatever is in it."

Bukhari 76.572

The 9/11 terrorists obviously took Muhammad at his word. Right now they are in Firdaus pounding houris on their couches, feasting on fresh hymens and grapes for an eternity. All the while enjoying the spectacle of the men, women and children they slaughtered roasting in Hell. Sex is Allah’s reward for doing good, with men like the 9/11 terrorists obviously doing the most good in His eyes.

55:60 Shall the reward of beneficence be other than beneficence?

Was it worth it, the promised sex in return for so many innocent people dying a horrible death? Some blown to bits, others burnt alive by exploding jet fuel and still others jumping to their deaths in the plaza below to escape the fire above; the survivors of the initial attack crushed between slabs of concrete as the buildings collapsed, their lives squeezed out of them like so much toothpaste.

Even if sex is better in the Hereafter, most people would not think it worth the price. But, what if it isn’t? What if sex is not better in the Hereafter and you could prove it?