What Every Prospective

Jihadi Bride Should Know

Jihadi BrideTo your right is a picture of one of two teenaged girls from Montréal who, in February 2015, escaped to Syria to join Islamic State.

What Every Prospective Jihadi Bride Should Know is for adolescents like her, enamored with the idea of becoming the bride of a holy warrior and those contemplating converting to Islam believing they will find fulfillment and a purpose in the bed of the ultimate "bad boy".

Some of you will be offended by my cautionary posting; and so you should be. And, if you have teenaged daughters who are susceptible to ISIS propaganda, grateful, for it is meant to take the romanticism out of joining young men in a foreign land who are more into killing and violence than love and tenderness.

1) Except for the hair on their head brides are expected to be, on their wedding night, as hairless as a baby.

Before leaving to join ISIS get a Brazilian, not forgetting your armpits. Getting rid of your pubic and armpit hair under battlefield conditions will definitely be more unpleasant than a wax treatment at a salon and the often brutal ripping of pubic hairs, even if done by another woman, can cause genital deformities.

2) Under no circumstances, before meeting with your welcoming committee, should you apply perfume or mask any body odour with aromatic deodorants or wash your hair with a scented shampoo (they will not see you hair if you took the reputation-saving precaution of covering it up, but they also must not smell it). Women are not expected to wear any fragrances when going out in public, only men.

The Prophet of Islam stated: “Any woman who perfumes herself and leaves the house, is deprived from the blessings of the Almighty Allah until she returns home”. Bihar al-Anwar

The Prophet held that perfume worn by a woman was an incitement to lust and we certainly would not want that.

Perfume, Makeup and the Prophet 

3) Expect your first of many pregnancies within a matter of months or less, as all forms of birth control are forbidden, including coitus interruptus. Should you be pregnant on Judgement Day you will spontaneously abort and that cannot be pleasant as is much of what Allah has in store for you.

22:2 The Day you will witness it, every suckling mother will be distracted from the child she is suckling, and every pregnant woman will deliver her burden, and you will see people drunk, whereas they are not drunk; but the punishment of Allah is terrible.

4) If your hymen is no longer intact, no holy warrior may want you. You may only be asked to cook and wash behind a partition ("If you ask them for an object, ask them from behind a curtain. That is purer for your hearts and theirs" 33:53) for those doing the killing.

You can always volunteer to be a suicide bomber, terrorist groups never have enough of those. The upside, do it right and Paradise is not only yours, but Allah will provide you with what you could not find on earth: a husband.

Stay-at-Home Warriors and Female Jihadists

5) Virgins, among holy warriors, are the most sought after prize. If you have never had sex and can prove it, it is unlikely you will be asked to risk your life in combat or to go on a suicide mission. Expect to be taken by a commander or to be given as a reward to a holy warrior who has killed the most of Allah's assumed enemies i.e. the most violent and pitiless.

And don't expect to join your Prince Charming on any unbeliever-slaughtering adventure. You might be a distraction from the job at hand, and we also would not want that.

For the Prophet and his out-of-this-world Patron, the sight of a single strand of a woman’s hair, the outline of a breast, swaying hips, what Allah refers to as a woman's finery, can cause a man to experience a Pavlovian-like reaction, an uncontrollable urge to hump the owner of the "finery" then and there, which is why He imposed such a severe, uncompromising dress-code on women.

24:31 And tell the believing women to cast down their eyes and guard their private parts and not show their finery, except the outward part of it. And let them drape their bosoms with their veils and not show their finery, except to their husbands, their fathers, their husbands’ fathers, their sons, the sons of their husbands, their brothers, the sons of their brothers, the sons of their sisters, their women, their maid-servants, the men-followers who have no sexual desire, or infants who have no knowledge of women’s sexual parts yet. Let them, also, not stamp their feet, so that what they have concealed of their finery might be known. Repent to Allah, all of you, O believers, that perchance you may prosper.

6) In Islam, young men are not expected to learn about sex by forming relationships with the opposite sex outside of marriage. This can lead to unrealistic expectations, such as that your virgin-bride will be as skilled as a veteran whore on your wedding night.

… [young Muslim men] are caught in a contradiction between the inflexible demands of their cultural origins (religious fundamentalism, seclusion of women, polygamy…) and a cultural environment filled with erotic images. Flirting is not allowed, nor is friendship between boys and girls thereby heightening the sexual tension. The only sexual education available to these young people is from pornographic films, they have no other representation of what constitute a romantic relationship.

Josée Stoquart

Anticipate a severe beating or to be violently raped, or both, if you don't live up to a holy warrior's ideal of the perfect bride.

7) Expect to be treated in accordance with your status as a dim-wit in the eyes of Allah and His Messenger.

2:282 ... And call to witness two witnesses of your men; if not two men, then one man and two women from such witnesses you approve of, so that if one of them (the two women) fails to remember, the other will remind her ...

Narrated Abu Said Al-Khudri:

The Prophet said, ‘Isn’t the witness of a woman equal half that of a man?’

The women said, ‘Yes.’

He said, ‘This is because of the deficiency of the woman’s mind.'

Bukhari 6.301

More deprecating revealed truths about you

8) Expect to be beaten, as you would beat an animal to get it to behave!

4:34 Men are in charge of women, because Allah has made some of them excel the others, and because they spend some of their wealth. Hence righteous women are obedient, guarding the unseen (their sex) which Allah has guarded. And those of them that you fear might rebel, admonish them and abandon them in their beds and beat them. Should they obey you, do not seek ways of harming them; for Allah is Sublime and Great.

Aisha said [to Muhammad]: "You have made us equal to the dogs and the asses."

Sahih Muslim 4:1039

9) It's not rape, but you will know better and there will be nothing you can do to stop it because Allah says so and you will have agreed, as the Prophet stipulated, to give your husband unrestricted access to your "private parts" in the mandatory marriage contract.

2:223 Your women are a tillage for you. So get to your tillage whenever you like. Do good for yourselves, fear Allah and know that you shall meet Him. And give good news to the believers.

Narrated Uqba:

The Prophet said: "The stipulations most entitled to be abided by are those with which you are given the right to enjoy the (women's) private parts (i.e. the stipulations of the marriage contract)."

Bukhari 62.81

10) A husband sodomising his spouse, even with her consent, is frowned upon but not if it is a form of punishment or to enforce discipline.

11) You will be largely confined in the home of your husband for the rest of your life as if you were an incurable disease.

Narrated Usama bin Zaid:

The Prophet said, "After me I have not left any affliction more harmful to men than women."

Bukhari 62.33

A lifelong quarantine during which you will only be allowed out dressed in a full-body covering means you will be deprived of sunlight, therefore, you are likely to die before your time from diseases associated with lack of vitamin D, but not before experiencing significant weight gain, headaches, bladder issues, constipation, diarrhea etc.

12) The difference between a blushing-bride and a discarded spouse is three short words "I divorce you!"

Divorce and Who Gets the Kids

13) In the here-and-now you will have competition for your warrior's affection from both legitimate wives and slave-girls:

4:3 If you fear that you cannot deal justly with the orphans, then marry such of the women as appeal to you, two, three or four; but if you fear that you cannot be equitable, then only one, or what your right hands own (captives of war or slave-girls). This is more likely to enable you to avoid unfairness.

In the hereafter – assuming you make it to Paradise and that is a BIG if – you will be competing  for his touch with up to 72 houris, artificial creations who know more about pleasing a man than Cosmopolitan, and blushing maidens whose untouched beauty has its own appeal. That is, if you can even get his attention, for, unless – and please don't consider this an encouragement to join the growing ranks of female suicide bombers – you died killing unbelievers and heretics, you may not even be on the same level as your husband and his houris. 

Narrated Anas:

Um (the mother of) Haritha came to Allah's Apostle after Haritha had been martyred on the Day (of the battle) of Badr by an arrow thrown by an unknown person. She said, "O Allah's Apostle! You know the position of Haritha in my heart (i.e. how dear to me he was), so if he is in Paradise, I will not weep for him, or otherwise, you will see what I will do."

The Prophet said, "Are you mad? Is there only one Paradise? There are many Paradises, and he is in the highest Paradise of Firdaus."

The Prophet added, "A forenoon journey or an afternoon journey in Allah's Cause is better than the whole world and whatever is in it; and a place equal to an arrow bow of anyone of you, or a place equal to a foot in Paradise is better than the whole world and whatever is in it; and if one of the women of Paradise looked at the earth, she would fill the whole space between them (the earth and the heaven) with light, and would fill whatever is in between them, with perfume, and the veil of her face is better than the whole world and whatever is in it."

Bukhari 76.572

14) You want Paradise even with the limited pleasures it has to offer women, then above all, be grateful to your husband, no matter what, for the worse may be yet to come!

Narrated Ibn Abbas:

The Prophet said: "I was shown the Hell-fire and that the majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful."

It was asked, "Do they disbelieve in Allah?" (or are they ungrateful to Allah?)"

He replied, "They are ungrateful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors and the good (charitable deeds) done to them."

Bukhari 2.28

15) Finally, be steadfast in your support of your husband's pathological hatred of unbelievers and heretics, for, should this hatred ever diminish to the extent that he pleads for the salvation of one he has killed – remember, Allah's Mercy is for the believers only – he is going to Hell and so are you; for like Eve so long ago, you will be blamed for your husband's failings.

37:22 Gather together those who were wrongdoers, their spouses and what they used to worship;

37:23 Apart from Allah, and lead them to the path of Hell.

Bernard Payeur