Jihad in the Koran

What Every Prospective Jihadi Bride Should Know

Jihad in the KoranSome may be offended by the following, and you should be. If you have teenaged daughters who might be susceptible to Jihadist propaganda, be grateful, for it is meant to take the romanticism out of joining the ranks of those who are more interested in killing and violence than love and tenderness.

To your right is a picture of one of two teenaged girls from Montréal who, in February 2015, escaped to Syria to join Islamic State. What Every Prospective Jihadi Bride Should Know is for adolescents girls enamored with the idea of becoming the bride of a holy warrior believing they will find fulfillment and purpose in the bed of the ultimate bad boy.

1) Except for the hair on their head, brides are expected to be, on their wedding night, as hairless as a baby.

Before leaving to join ISIS or a similar organization, get a Brazilian, not forgetting your armpits. Getting rid of your pubic and armpit hair under battlefield conditions will definitely be more unpleasant than a wax treatment at a salon, and the often brutal ripping of pubic hairs, even if done by another woman, can cause genital deformities.

2) Women are expected not to wear any fragrances when going out in public, only men.

Under no circumstances, before meeting with your welcoming committee, should you apply perfume or mask any body odour with aromatic deodorants or wash your hair with a scented shampoo. Your hair must not only be hidden beneath a veil, they also must not smell it!

The Prophet of Islam stated:

“Any woman who perfumes herself and leaves the house, is deprived from the blessings of the Almighty Allah until she returns home.”

Bihar al-Anwar

God will not accept the prayers of any woman who puts on perfume for a man other than her husband until she bathes from her (having applied) perfume just as she bathes after intercourse.

Makarim al-Akhlaq

Muhammad held that perfume worn by a woman was an incitement to lust and we certainly would not want that.

3) Virgins are the most sought-after prize among holy warriors. If you have never had sex and can prove it, it is unlikely you will be asked to do the dishes or volunteer for a suicide mission. Expect to be taken by a commander or given as a reward to a holy warrior who has killed the most of Allah's assumed enemies, i.e., the most violent and pitiless.

Don't expect to join your Prince Charming on any unbeliever-slaughtering adventure. You might be a distraction from the job at hand, and we also would not want that. For the Prophet and his out-of-this-world Patron, the sight of a single strand of a woman’s hair, the outline of a breast or swaying hips—what Allah refers to as a woman's finery—can cause a man to experience a Pavlovian-like reaction, an uncontrollable urge to hump the owner of such "finery" then and there, which is why He imposed such a severe, uncompromising dress code on women.

24:31 And tell the believing women to cast down their eyes and guard their private parts and not show their finery, except the outward part of it. And let them drape their bosoms with their veils and not show their finery, except to their husbands, their fathers, their husbands’ fathers, their sons, the sons of their husbands, their brothers, the sons of their brothers, the sons of their sisters, their women, their maid-servants, the men-followers who have no sexual desire, or infants who have no knowledge of women’s sexual parts yet. Let them, also, not stamp their feet, so that what they have concealed of their finery might be known. Repent to Allah, all of you, O believers, that perchance you may prosper.

4) In Islam, young men are not expected to learn about sex by forming relationships with the opposite sex outside of marriage. This can lead to unrealistic expectations, such as that your virgin-bride will be as skilled as a veteran whore on your wedding night.

Anticipate a severe beating or violent raping, or both, if you don't live up to a holy warrior's ideal of the perfect bride.

5) Expect to be treated in accordance with your status as a dim-wit in the eyes of Allah and His spokesman.

2:282 And call to witness two witnesses of your men; if not two men, then one man and two women from such witnesses you approve of, so that if one of them (the two women) fails to remember, the other will remind her.

Narrated Abu Said Al-Khudri:

The Prophet said, ‘Isn’t the witness of a woman equal half that of a man?’

The women said, ‘Yes.’

He said, ‘This is because of the deficiency of the woman’s mind.'

Bukhari 6.301

6) Expect your first of many pregnancies within a matter of months or less, as all forms of birth control are forbidden, including coitus interruptus which Muhammad frowned upon. One of a handful of hadiths to that effect:

Narrated Ibn Muhairiz:

I entered the Mosque and saw Abu Said Al-Khudri and sat beside him and asked him about Al-Azl (i.e. coitus interruptus).

Abu Said said, "We went out with Allah's Apostle for the Ghazwa of Banu Al-Mustaliq and we received cap-tives from among the Arab captives and we desired women and celibacy became hard on us and we loved to do coitus interruptus.

So when we intended to do coitus interruptus, we said, 'How can we do coitus interruptus before asking Allah's Apostle who is present among us?"

We asked (him) about it and he said, 'It is better for you not to do so, for if any soul (till the Day of Resurrection) is predestined to exist, it will exist."

Bukhari 59.459

7) If your hymen is no longer intact, no holy warrior may want you. You may only be asked to cook and wash behind a partition ("If you ask them for an object, ask them from behind a curtain. That is purer for your hearts and theirs" 33:53) for those doing the killing.

You can always volunteer to be a suicide bomber; terrorist groups never have enough of those. The upside: Allah will wed you to that husband you may have been looking for when you joined a terrorist army and you can thumb your nose at the women in Paradise who preferred dying at home.

4:95 Those of the believers who stay at home while suffering from no injury are not equal to those who fight for the Cause of Allah with their possessions and persons. Allah has raised those who fight with their possessions and persons one degree over those who stay at home; and to each Allah has promised the fairest good. Yet Allah has granted a great reward to those who fight and not to those who stay behind.

The downside: you will have to compete for your new husband’s attention with up to 72 houris, irresistible female facsimiles who know more about pleasing a man than Cosmopolitan magazine.

8) In the here-and-now, the wife of a holy warrior, especially a successful one, will have to compete with up to three other wives and as many slave-girls as he has been given from his share of the war booty.

Narrated Abu Huraira:

I heard Allah's Apostle saying, "The example of a Mujahid (Muslim fighter) in Allah's Cause—and Allah knows better who really strives in His Cause—is like a person who fasts and prays continuously. Allah guarantees that He will admit the Mujahid in His Cause into Paradise if he is killed, otherwise He will return him to his home safely with rewards and war booty."

Bukhari 52.46

4:3 If you fear that you cannot deal justly with the orphans, then marry such of the women as appeal to you, two, three or four; but if you fear that you cannot be equitable, then only one, or what your right hands own (captives of war or slave-girls). This is more likely to enable you to avoid unfairness.

9) It's not considered rape (but you will know better), and there is nothing you can do to stop him having his way with you, with or without your consent whenever and wherever he pleases. It is his God-given right.

2:223 Your women are a tillage for you. So get to your tillage whenever you like. Do good for yourselves, fear Allah and know that you shall meet Him. And give good news to the believers.

You will be expected to sign a marriage contract in which you relinquish all control over what Allah considers your “private parts” to the holy warrior you are about to marry.

 Narrated Uqba:

The Prophet said: "The stipulations most entitled to be abided by are those with which you are given the right to enjoy the (women's) private parts (i.e. the stipulations of the marriage contract)."

Bukhari 62.81

10) Expect to be beaten unless you do exactly as you are told or in anticipation that you might “rebel” after discovering that the bed of a holy warrior is not a bed of roses.

4:34 Men are in charge of women, because Allah has made some of them excel the others, and because they spend some of their wealth. Hence righteous women are obedient, guarding the unseen (their sex) which Allah has guarded. And those of them that you fear might rebel, admonish them and abandon them in their beds and beat them. Should they obey you, do not seek ways of harming them; for Allah is Sublime and Great.

If he beats you like he would his camel, it may be small comfort to know that he can’t have his way with you immediately afterward.

Narrated Abdullah bin Zam'a:

The Prophet forbade laughing at a person who passes wind, and said, "How does anyone of you beat his wife as he beats the stallion camel and then he may embrace (sleep with) her?"

Bukhari 73.68

11) A husband sodomizing his spouse, even with her consent, is frowned upon, unless as a form of punishment or to enforce discipline.

It’s not the means that matters when it comes to using pain to discipline a wife, but the part of her body a husband chooses upon which to inflict that hurt. A man will not be held to account for the punishment he inflicts, so long as he spares his beloved’s face.

Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet said, "If somebody fights (or beats some-body) then he should avoid the face."

Bukhari 46.734

Narrated Umar ibn al-Khattab:

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: A man will not be asked as to why he beat his wife.

Abu Dawud 11.2142

12) You will be largely confined in the home of your husband for the rest of your life as if you were an incurable disease.

Narrated Usama bin Zaid:

The Prophet said, "After me I have not left any affliction more harmful to men than women."

Bukhari 62.33

A lifelong quarantine during which you will only be allowed out dressed in a full-body covering means you will be deprived of sunlight, therefore you are likely to die before your time from diseases associated with lack of vitamin D, but not before experiencing significant weight gain, headaches, bladder issues, constipation, diarrhea, etc.

13) The difference between a blushing bride and a discarded spouse is three short words: "I divorce you!"

2:229 Divorce may be pronounced twice. Then they (women) are to be retained in a rightful manner or released with kindness. And it is unlawful for you [men] to take back anything of what you have given them, unless both parties fear that they cannot comply with Allah’s Bounds (by obeying His commands). If you fear that they cannot do that, then it is no offence if the woman ransoms herself (pays money to be set free). Those are the bounds set by Allah. Do not transgress them. Those who transgress the bounds set by Allah are the wrongdoers.

Don’t let “release with kindness” fool you, or God’s admonition to the husband not “to take back anything of what you have given them”; that is not the way of someone who fights for sex and possessions. Expect him to make your life even more miserable until you agree to give him back everything, including your dowry, before he divorces you; this is the meaning of ‘ransoms herself’.

14) You want Paradise even with the limited pleasures it has to offer women, then above all, be grateful to your husband no matter what, for the worst may be yet to come!

 Narrated Ibn Abbas:

The Prophet said: "I was shown the Hell-fire and that the majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful."

It was asked, "Do they disbelieve in Allah?" (or are they ungrateful to Allah?)"

He replied, "They are ungrateful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors and the good (charitable deeds) done to them."

Bukhari 2.28

15) Finally, be steadfast in your support of your husband's pathological hatred of unbelievers and heretics, for, should this hatred ever diminish to the extent that he starts questioning what Allah expects of him, he is going to Hell and so are you. Like Eve so long ago, you will be blamed for your husband's failings.

37:22 Gather together those who were wrongdoers, their spouses and what they used to worship;

37:23 Apart from Allah, and lead them to the path of Hell.