Boreal
Remembering Uzza
If Islam Was Explained to Me in a Pub
Blame George W. Bush
[realizes
that the guy on television is Johnny; pointing to Johnny he shouts] Hey! I
know you. That was you on television [moves towards Johnny with his hand
outstretched].
Johnny: [moves back as if startled] Do I know you?
Bob: No, we've never met. Hey, I just want to shake your hand. My name is Bob.
Archie: It’s okay Johnny. Bob’s a regular guy.
Johnny: Sorry. [shakes his hands] Hi, nice to meet you Bob.
[Bob, who was talking with Gerry at the other end of the bar, did not hear Johnny’s explanation as to why he was shot.]
Bob: What’s with you getting shot for hamming it up on a religious TV show?
Archie: That’s not funny.
Johnny: It was not a religious TV show and my getting shot had nothing to do with the regrettable term I used to refer to the Alliance of Muslim Municipalities.
Bob: But…
Archie: [Archie seeing that Johnny is showing signs of frustration] Bob, drop it. I thought you were into porn not current events.
Bob: I watch the news too! I mean, I can see some Jewish people would be bothered if you called their organization that H. A. M. M. thing because they don’t eat ham, but that guy was not Jewish, was he?
Johnny: It’s not only observant Jews who consider ham, or more specifically pork and pork by-products unclean, but those who live by the Koran.
Bob: [surprised] Muslims don’t like ham?
Archie: Bob, where the hell have you been? With more religious channels than sex channels, how could you not know that Muslims don’t eat ham?
Bob: I don’t watch religious television. And, for your information, most shows about Islam are in Arabic so who knows what the hell they’re talking about. They could be encouraging viewers to kill the infidels for all I know.
Archie: At least you know you're an infidel.
Johnny: Not if he is a Catholic or Protestant he isn't.
Archie: Then what is he?
Johnny: Jews and Christians in Islam are unbelievers not infidels?
Bob: Infidels are not unbelievers?
Johnny: Yes they are, but unbelievers are not always infidels.
Archie: Now I'm confused.
Johnny: Whatever you do, if ever you're in an M & M...
Bob: You’re not talking about the candy, are you?
Johnny: Sorry, Muslim Municipality. If you’re ever in a Muslim Municipality for no good reason and you get stopped by a religious cop and are asked “what's your religion?” don't say Hindu or Buddhism. Just say you are Christian, then all you will have to do is pay a fine. And for God's sake, don't say you don't believe in any god cause you're not getting out alive.
Bob: What the fuck is that all about?
[Gerry walks over and introduces himself.]
Gerry: Hi, my name is Gerry. I apologize for my ignoramus friend here [gives Bob a light punch on the shoulder] I keep telling Bob he should read the Koran.
Johnny: [somewhat incredulous] You have read the Koran?
Gerry: No, but I have read Pain, Pleasure and Prejudice by Bernard Payeur, it's better than the Koran, it's the entire Koran explained in a way that even Bob here would understand.
Bob: I read the Bible when I was young. Isn't the Koran just like the Bible?
Gerry: No, it isn't, not by a long shot! You've heard about the Koran being all about peace and love?
Bob: Sure.
Gerry: [leans over] It's all bullshit!
Bob: Then why do people say it's all about peace and love?
Gerry: Blame George W Bush. He was the first to describe Islam as “The Religion of Peace” shortly after the 9/11 attacks, to avoid what another politician said was “an explosion of hostility against Muslims” by leaving the impression that the central message of the Koran is all about peace and love; that “Islam… is Christianity with a towel on its head.”[6]
Bob: But, what about that other thing you hear all the time, that Allah considers the killing of one person like killing everybody.
Gerry: But you never hear the rest.
Bob: There's more?
Gerry: This is Islam, there's always more. After the attacks of 9/11, Muslim community leaders said that those who caused the deaths of thousands in New York, Washington and Pennsylvania were not true Muslims because in a verse Allah said that “whoever kills a soul is like killing all of mankind”[7] , therefore no Muslim could have done this. Since then, politicians of all stripes have taken up the refrain to avoid facing a horrible truth that the very next verse in the series makes perfectly clear: that killing unbelievers is not like killing all of mankind, but a good thing, especially in the most horrible, humiliating manner, because their very existence corrupts the land[8] and stands in the way of Islam's expansion.
Bob: Well, I'll be damned.
Archie: Ain't that the truth!
Footnotes
[6] From The Places in Between by Rory Stewart, recalling his walk across the breadth of Afghanistan in 2002, from Herat to Kabul. During his journey he will meet a Mullah who will set him straight on the “central message” of the Koran.
5:32 For that reason, We decreed for the Children of Israel that whoever kills a soul, not in retaliation for a soul or corruption in the land, is like one who has killed the whole of mankind; and whoever saves a life is like one who saves the lives of all mankind. Our Messengers came to them with the clear proofs; but afterwards many of them continued to commit excesses in the land.
5:33 Indeed, the punishment of those who fight Allah and His Messenger and go around corrupting the land is to be killed, crucified, have their hands and feet cut off on opposite sides, or to be banished from the land. That is a disgrace for them in this life, and in the life to come theirs will be a terrible punishment.