Boreal

Remembering Uzza

1.2 Blame George W. Bush

(3.0 draft)

[Bob realizes that the guy on television is Johnny. Pointing to Johnny he shouts:]

Bob: Hey! I know you, That was you on television.

Johnny: Do I know you???

Bob: No, we never met. [moves towards Johnny with his hand outstretched].

Johnny [moves back as if startled]. Hey, I just want to shake your hand. My name is Bob.

Archie: It’s okay Johnny. Bob’s a regular guy.

Johnny: Sorry. [shakes his hands] Hi, nice to meet you Bob.

Bob: [who was watching the news with Gerry at the other end of the bar did not hear Johnny’s explanation at to why he was shot ] What’s with you getting shot for hamming it up on a religious TV show?

Archie: That’s not funny.

Johnny: It was not a religious TV show and my getting shot had nothing to do with the regrettable term I used to refer to the Alliance of Muslim Municipalities.

Bob: But…

Archie: [Archie seeing that Johnny is showing signs of frustration] Bob, drop it. I thought you were into porn not current events.

Bob: I watch the news too! I mean, I can see some Jewish people would be bothered if you called their organization that ham thing because they don’t eat ham. But but I don’t think they would try to kill you for it.

Johnny: I was not shot by a Jewish person.

Bob: I knew that!

Johnny: It’s not only Jews that consider ham, or more specifically pork and pork by-products unclean, but Muslims as well.

Bob: [surprised] Muslims don’t like ham???

Archie: Bob, where the hell have you been? With more religious channels then sex channels, how could you not know that Muslims don’t eat ham?

Bob: I don’t watch religious television. And, for your information, most shows about Islam are in Arabic so who knows what the hell they are talking about. They could be encouraging viewers to kill the infidels for all I know.

Archie: At least you know you're an infidel.

Johnny: Not if he is a Catholic or Protestant he isn't.

Archie: Then what is he?

Johnny: Jews and Christians in Islam are unbelievers not infidels?

Bob: Infidels are not unbelievers?

Johnny: Yes they are, but unbelievers are not always infidels.

Archie: Now I'm confused.

Johnny: Whatever you do, if ever you're in an M & M...

Bob: You’re not talking about the candy, are you?

Johnny: Sorry, Muslim Municipality. If you’re ever in a Muslim Municipality for no good reason and you get stopped by a religious cop and are asked what's your religion, don't say Hindu or Buddhism, just say you are Christian then all you will have to do is pay a fine. And for God's sake, don't say you don't believe in any god cause you're not getting out alive.

Bob: What the fuck is that all about?

[At this point, Gerry walks over and introduces himself]

Gerry: Hi, my name is Gerry. I apologize for my ignoramus friend here [gives Bob a light punch on the shoulder] I keep telling Bob he should read the Koran.

Johnny: [somewhat incredulous] You have read the Koran?

Gerry: No, but I have read Pain, Pleasure and Prejudice by Bernard Payeur, it's better than the Koran, it's the entire Koran explained in a way that even Bob here would understand.

Bob: I read the Bible when I was young. Isn't the Koran just like the Bible?

Gerry: No, it isn't, not by a long shot! You've heard about the Koran being all about peace and love?

Bob: Sure.

Gerry: [leans over] It's all bullshit!

Bob: Then why do people say it's all about peace and love?

Gerry: Blame George W Bush. He was the first to describe Islam as “The Religion of Peace” shortly after the 9/11 attacks, to avoid what another politician said was “an explosion of hostility against Muslims” by leaving the impression that the central message of the Koran is all about peace and love; that “Islam… is Christianity with a towel on its head.”

Bob: But, what about that other thing you hear all the time, that Allah considers the killing of one person like killing everybody.

Gerry: But you never hear the rest.

Bob: There's more...???

Gerry: This is Islam, there's always more. After the attacks of 9/11, Muslim community leaders said that those who caused the deaths of thousands in New York, Washington and Pennsylvania were not true Muslims because in a verse Allah said that “whoever kills a soul is like killing all of mankind”, therefore no Muslim could have done this.

Since then, politicians of all stripe have taken up the refrain to avoid facing a horrible truth the very next verse in the series makes perfectly clear; that killing unbelievers is not like killing all of mankind, but a good thing and in the most horrible humiliating manner because their very existence corrupts the land and stand in the way of Islam's expansion.

Bob: Well, I'll be damned.

Archie: Ain't that the truth!