Boreal
Remembering Uzza
If Islam Was Explained to Me in a Pub
No Paradise for Old Men
Uzza:
Paradise in the Koran is like seven large oases, one on top of the other, with
typical desert oasis vegetation irrigated by underground rivers[188]. On these
humongous oases there are carpets and couches in lovely shades of green as far
as the eye can see[189].
Bob: What's with the carpets and couches?
Uzza: On these carpets and couches men will fornicate to their heart's content with female facsimiles, the so-called houris, and blushing maidens[190] to whom they are quickly married to avoid committing the sin of adultery[191].
Bob: Inflatable dolls have come a long way. I am told that taking one to bed is like having sex with the real thing, so why kill yourself and a bunch of innocent people just to have sex with one in Paradise?
Uzza: Are you kidding? Man-made female replicas will never match what the Creator of us all can manufacture in Paradise!
Archie: What about the real women?
Uzza: If you mean the wives of the men doing all that fornicating, they will be confined to large pavilions[192], not unlike the harems of Muhammad's day, doomed to a sporadic bout of intimacy for an eternity, not unlike prisoners dependent on a conjugal visit from a cheating husband.
Archie: Do I detect some bitterness?
Uzza: Shut up!
Gerry: I read in the Koran that the pavilions were to house the maidens[193].
Uzza: Obviously Allah had to have some type of warehousing complex for the legitimate wives, the houris and the maidens, since the men could only do one at time. What were they to do, stand in line waiting to be fucked? Did I just say that? I am sorry.
Gerry: Don’t be. It is what Allah’s Paradise is all about, after all.
Bob: [awkwardly] In Paradise, do they do it… that way?
Uzza: [knowing where he is going with this and feeling mischievous] What do you mean, “that way”?
Bob: The thing the Backstreet Boys sang about wanting it that way?
Gerry: Is that what the song is about?
Archie: In Bob’s mind.
Uzza: Come on, say it. What way would that be?
Bob: You know, sex, in the you-know-where.
Uzza: You mean will those blushing maidens and houris and what-not get fucked in the ass?
Bob: [stunned] Yes, but I would not have put it that way.
Uzza: Do not be such a prude. Children of believing parents learn about anal sex from their mother before the age of seven as part of the sex education they get from their first full reading of the Koran. It cannot be avoided with Allah’s rants against homosexuals and sodomy.
Bob: Well, will they?
Uzza: Will they what? I forget.
Bob: Men do to women what Allah forbids men to do to other men.
Uzza: I would not know. In the Koran there is nothing about making love to a woman that way, but Allah is probably against it.
Gerry: That brings up an interesting question.
Uzza: I cannot wait to hear it.
Gerry: I was at a party where I was having a conversation with the wife of a reporter from Tunisia. When her husband tried to join our conversation, she waved him off. He was not pleased. Later that evening, when I had a chance to talk with him with his wife within earshot, he said she would get it tonight. I asked what he meant by that. He said he was going to punish her that way.
Uzza: And what way would that be?
Gerry: Oh, come on, Uzza, stop it. You know what he meant.
Uzza: You go to interesting parties.
Gerry: But is it true? Do Muslim husbands use anal sex to punish their wives?
Uzza: I would not know. I am not married.
Archie: You said that his wife heard him. What did she do?
Gerry: She looked at him and shrugged her shoulders as if it was no big deal.
Uzza: Maybe it was not, what do you say, that big of a deal. And I am not saying that to disparage her husband’s manhood. From what I have been told, it can be quite painful and the Koran does sanction pain as a way of disciplining wives. And Muhammad did say that you should not beat someone about the face[194] and we are definitely nowhere near there.
Archie: That leaves out a blow job as punishment.
Uzza: Very funny. From what I know, non-Muslim couples do it that way too, anal sex that is. I understand it is a bit of a power trip for men.
Gerry: I wouldn’t leave out sadism as a reason.
Uzza: Or masochism.
Archie: Is that why women do it?
Uzza: I guess some women do want it that way for the sensation however unpleasant, and, as Norman Mailer wrote, it is the most intimate form of sex a woman can offer a man.
Archie: He would say that.
Gerry: Women in a normal relationship are free to make the gesture or refuse their partner’s request for that form of intimacy. What about a relationship where the man is the designated dominant partner and a woman dares not refuse his request for intimacy? Does this include Mailer’s most intimate form?
Uzza: It all depends if that which Allah defines as a wife's “private parts,” over which He has given a husband absolute jurisdiction to do with whatever, includes her behind. I am sure there is fatwah somewhere that clears that up, but I am not aware of it.
Bob: What is a fatwah again?
Uzza: A religious ruling on everything and anything.
Bob: All this sex in tight places…
Archie: Are we still talking anal sex here?
Bob: That, and virgins, which seem to be an obsession of Allah and the boys. To me that means they like penetration where there is some resistance and pain.
Uzza: That is an interesting way of putting it.
Bob: Well, do they?
Uzza: Do they what? Just kidding. Allah in the Koran only says that the females He will provide have not been touched by another man or jinn[195]. They will not be, what do you call them, damaged goods[196]. On the other hand, it would be a simple matter for a god like Allah to mend a hymen after sex so that there is always that resistance which men who seek anal sex also seem to favour. Am I right?
Gerry: That would make a Paradise populated by those who have died in Allah’s Cause and been rewarded accordingly more of an obscenity than it already is.
Bob: All that sex! Young men might be able to take advantage of it, but what about old guys for whom virgins may present more of a challenge than an opportunity, if you know what I mean? Will Viagra be available for old people?
Uzza: No need. There will be no old people in Paradise. Muhammad said that no matter your age, you will all be in your early thirties once you get there, if you get there[197], and your mates ̶ which may or may not include the houris who will be providing you with all the sex you can handle ̶ will be of equal age[198]. You will also literally be able to go at it day and night for you will never get tired[199] and never be without an erection when you need one[200].
Bob: This is really good news for old people.
Uzza: The only people of Paradise who we know for sure will not be in their thirties are boys whom Allah describes as “hidden pearls.” They will go around the men lounging on couches, ostensibly to serve them food and drinks, or whatever[201].
Bob: Are these the little boys who commit suicide bombings?
Uzza: Probably not.
Bob: How do you get little boys to blow themselves up anyway?
Uzza: You play on every little boy’s fantasy of being all grown up. You tell them that, literally, in a puff of smoke, they can become a man if they are willing to help Allah get rid of the bad people.
Archie: You have to wonder why there are no old geezers blowing themselves up with a promise of eternal youth and orgies galore.
Archie: They know better, and with every gullible guy blowing himself up, it leaves more young women and girls for them. They are no fools, just like the Prophet was no fool.
Bob: Young girls are also blowing themselves up. What’s in it for them?
Uzza: Not much[202], which is why the process of getting girls to do what young boys will do without much persuasion is slightly more complicated and brutal. Turning little girls into mass murderers is a challenge, but holy warriors have proven themselves up to the task with little girls increasingly outnumbering little boys as suicide bombers.
Gerry: How do they do it?
Uzza: The transformation usually begins with the rape of god-fearing girls by fighters in Allah's Cause. It is meant to make them feel a heart-breaking guilt for having brought dishonour on their family, a shame so intense that death seems preferable.
Gerry: But why do they not just kill themselves and not harm anyone else?
Archie: Or wait for their father to kill them?
Gerry: Archie, this is serious.
Archie: I am being serious.
Uzza: Rape makes a shamble of a young girl's fantasy of marrying her prince charming. What nice young man would have her as his beloved bride now that she is no longer a virgin? Only Allah, she is told, can now make her dream come true. Not in the here-and-now, but in the Hereafter, if she has the courage to kill herself and take as many of His enemies as possible with her.
Footnotes
2:29 It is He Who created for you everything on earth, then ascended to the heavens fashioning them into seven, and He has knowledge of all things.
23:17 We have created above you seven spheres, and We were not oblivious of the creation.
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41:11 Then He arose to heaven while it was smoke, and He said to it and to the earth: “Come over, willingly or unwillingly.” They said: “We come willingly.”
41:12 Then He completed them as seven heavens in two days and assigned to each heaven its proper order. And We adorned the lower heaven with lamps as protection (from the demons). That is the determination of the All-Mighty, the All-Knowing.
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48:5 That He may admit the believers, men and women, into gardens beneath which rivers flow, dwelling therein forever, and that He may remit their sins. That, in Allah’s Sight, is a great triumph. 55:68 Therein are fruits, palm trees and pomegranates.
67:3 He Who has created seven stratified heavens. You do not see any discrepancy in the creation of the Compassionate. So fix your gaze, do you see any cracks?
76:13 Therein, they shall recline upon couches, and they shall see therein neither [blazing] sun nor bitter cold.
18:31 Those shall have Gardens of Eden, beneath which rivers flow, bejeweled therein with bracelets of gold, and wearing green clothes of silk and brocade, reclining therein on couches. Blessed is their reward and fair is the resting place!
37:43 In the Gardens of Bliss;
37:44 Upon couches, facing each other.
37:45 A cup of pure spring water shall be passed around them;
37:46 Snow-white, a delight to drinkers.
37:47 Wherein there is no gall and they are not intoxicated by it.
37:48 And they also shall have wide-eyed maidens averting their gaze.
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52:20 Reclining on ranged couches, and We shall wed them to wide-eyed houris.
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56:22 And wide-eyed houris,
56:23 Like hidden pearls;
56:24 As a reward for what they used to do.
[191] The marriage ceremony may include branding of the houris. According to Professor Clark, in a Tradition of the Prophet, one of the houris’ voluptuous breasts is branded with the name of her husband and the other with the name of her husband’s benefactor, Allah. This will definitely make it easier for men to keep track of what is the equivalent of their herd or harem of houris and make it less likely for one man to accidently fornicate with another man’s houris.
[192] Narrated Abdullah bin Qais:
Allah's Apostle said, "In Paradise there is a pavilion made of a single hollow pearl sixty miles wide, in each corner of which there are wives who will not see those in the other corners; and the believers will visit and enjoy them.”
Bukhari 60.402
55:70 Therein are beautiful virtuous maidens.
55:71 So, which of your Lord's Bounties do you both (Jinn and humans) deny?
55:72 Wide-eyed, cloistered in pavilions.
[194] Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, "If somebody fights (or beats somebody) then he should avoid the face."
Bukhari 46.734
55:56 Therein are maidens lowering their glances and they have not been touched, before them by any man or jinn.
56:35 We have formed them originally;
56:36 And made them pure virgins,
56:37 Tender and unageing,
It was narrated from Muaadh ibn Jabal that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: "The people of Paradise will enter Paradise hairless, beardless with their eyes anointed with kohl, aged thirty or thirty-three years."
al-Tirmidhi 2545
38:49 This is a Reminder and the God-fearing will surely have a fair resort.
38:50 Gardens of Eden whereof the gates are wide-open for them.
38:51 Reclining therein and calling for abundant fruit and beverage.
38:52 And they have mates of equal age, averting their gaze.
38:53 “This is what you are promised for the Day of Reckoning.
38:54 “This is our provision which will not end.”
15:45 “The righteous will surely be amidst gardens and fountains.
15:46 [It will be said to them]: “Enter therein in peace and security.”
15:47 We shall remove all hatred from their hearts, and as brethren they shall recline, facing each other, upon couches.
15:48 They shall not be touched by fatigue therein, nor will they be driven out.
Each time we sleep with a houri we find her virgin. Besides, the penis of the Elected never softens. The erection is eternal; the sensation that you feel each time you make love is utterly delicious and out of this world and were you to experience it in this world you would faint. Each chosen one [Muslim] will marry seventy [sic] houris, besides the women he married on earth, and all will have appetising vaginas.
Al-Suyuti (died 1505)
76:15 And cup-bearers shall go round them with vessels of silver and goblets of glass,
76:16 Goblets of silver which they measured exactly.
76:17 And they are given therein to drink a cup whose mixture is ginger.
76:18 A spring therein is called Salsabil.
76:19 And there go round them immortal boys; when you see them, you will think that they are scattered pearls.
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52:22 And We shall supply them with fruit and meat, such as they desire.
52:23 They will exchange therein a cup of wherein there is no idle talk or vilification.
52:24 And boys of their own will go around them, as if they were hidden pearls.
[202] According to David Cook, author of Understanding Jihad, a question was posed on the Hamas website by a prospective female suicide bomber as to what are the “rewards for a female martyr.” Would she get the equivalent to the male suicide bomber who is promised a “fairly extensive harem of women in return for martyrdom?”
Question: I wanted to ask: what is the reward of a female martyr who performs a martyrdom operation; does she marry 72 of the houris?
Answer: The female martyr gains the same rewards as does the male, with the exception of this one aspect [the houris], so that the female martyr will be with the same husband with whom she dies. “And those who have believed and their progeny, followed them in belief. We shall join their progeny to them. We shall not deprive them of any of their work; every man shall be bound by what he has earned” [52:21]. The one who is martyred and has no husband will be married to one of the people of Paradise.