If Islam was explained to me in a pub
No Paradise for Old Men
Uzza: Paradise in the Koran is like seven large oases, one on top of the other, with typical desert oasis vegetation irrigated by underground rivers. On these humongous oases there are carpets and couches in lovely shades of green as far as the eye can see.
Bob: What's with the carpets and couches?
Uzza: On these carpets and couches men will fornicate to their heart's content with female facsimiles, the so-called houris, and blushing maidens to whom they are quickly married to avoid committing the sin of adultery.
Bob: Inflatable dolls have come a long way. I am told that taking one to bed is like having sex with the real thing, so why kill yourself and a bunch of innocent people just to have sex with one in Paradise?
Uzza: Are you kidding? Man-made female replicas will never match what the Creator of us all can manufacture in Paradise!
Archie: What about the real women?
Uzza: If you mean the wives of the men doing all that fornicating, they will be confined to large pavilions, not unlike the harems of Muhammad's day, doomed to a sporadic bout of intimacy for an eternity, not unlike prisoners dependent on a conjugal visit from a cheating husband.
Archie: Do I detect some bitterness?
Uzza: Shut up!
Gerry: I read in the Koran that the pavilions were to house the maidens.
Uzza: Obviously Allah had to have some type of warehousing complex for the legitimate wives, the houris and the maidens, since the men could only do one at time. What were they to do, stand in line waiting to be fucked? Did I just say that? I am sorry.
Gerry: Don’t be. It is what Allah’s Paradise is all about, after all.
Bob: [awkwardly] In Paradise, do they do it… that way?
Uzza: [knowing where he is going with this and feeling mischievous] What do you mean, “that way”?
Bob: The thing the Backstreet Boys sang about wanting it that way?
Gerry: Is that what the song is about?
Archie: In Bob’s mind.
Uzza: Come on, say it. What way would that be?
Bob: You know, sex, in the you-know-where.
Uzza: You mean will those blushing maidens and houris and what-not get fucked in the ass?
Bob: [stunned] Yes, but I would not have put it that way.
Uzza: Do not be such a prude. Children of believing parents learn about anal sex from their mother before the age of seven as part of the sex education they get from their first full reading of the Koran. It cannot be avoided with Allah’s rants against homosexuals and sodomy.
Bob: Well, will they?
Uzza: Will they what? I forget.
Bob: Men do to women what Allah forbids men to do to other men.
Uzza: I would not know. In the Koran there is nothing about making love to a woman that way, but Allah is probably against it.
Gerry: That brings up an interesting question.
Uzza: I cannot wait to hear it.
Gerry: I was at a party where I was having a conversation with the wife of a reporter from Tunisia. When her husband tried to join our conversation, she waved him off. He was not pleased. Later that evening, when I had a chance to talk with him with his wife within earshot, he said she would get it tonight. I asked what he meant by that. He said he was going to punish her that way.
Uzza: And what way would that be?
Gerry: Oh, come on, Uzza, stop it. You know what he meant.
Uzza: You go to interesting parties.
Gerry: But is it true? Do Muslim husbands use anal sex to punish their wives?
Uzza: I would not know. I am not married.
Archie: You said that his wife heard him. What did she do?
Gerry: She looked at him and shrugged her shoulders as if it was no big deal.
Uzza: Maybe it was not, what do you say, that big of a deal. And I am not saying that to disparage her husband’s manhood. From what I have been told, it can be quite painful and the Koran does sanction pain as a way of disciplining wives. And Muhammad did say that you should not beat someone about the face and we are definitely nowhere near there.
Archie: That leaves out a blow job as punishment.
Uzza: Very funny. From what I know, non-Muslim couples do it that way too, anal sex that is. I understand it is a bit of a power trip for men.
Gerry: I wouldn’t leave out sadism as a reason.
Uzza: Or masochism.
Archie: Is that why women do it?
Uzza: I guess some women do want it that way for the sensation however unpleasant, and, as Norman Mailer wrote, it is the most intimate form of sex a woman can offer a man.
Archie: He would say that.
Gerry: Women in a normal relationship are free to make the gesture or refuse their partner’s request for that form of intimacy. What about a relationship where the man is the designated dominant partner and a woman dares not refuse his request for intimacy? Does this include Mailer’s most intimate form?
Uzza: It all depends if that which Allah defines as a wife's “private parts,” over which He has given a husband absolute jurisdiction to do with whatever, includes her behind. I am sure there is fatwah somewhere that clears that up, but I am not aware of it.
Bob: What is a fatwah again?
Uzza: A religious ruling on everything and anything.
Bob: All this sex in tight places…
Archie: Are we still talking anal sex here?
Bob: That, and virgins, which seem to be an obsession of Allah and the boys. To me that means they like penetration where there is some resistance and pain.
Uzza: That is an interesting way of putting it.
Bob: Well, do they?
Uzza: Do they what? Just kidding. Allah in the Koran only says that the females He will provide have not been touched by another man or jinn. They will not be, what do you call them, damaged goods. On the other hand, it would be a simple matter for a god like Allah to mend a hymen after sex so that there is always that resistance which men who seek anal sex also seem to favour. Am I right?
Gerry: That would make a Paradise populated by those who have died in Allah’s Cause and been rewarded accordingly more of an obscenity than it already is.
Bob: All that sex! Young men might be able to take advantage of it, but what about old guys for whom virgins may present more of a challenge than an opportunity, if you know what I mean? Will Viagra be available for old people?
Uzza: No need. There will be no old people in Paradise. Muhammad said that no matter your age, you will all be in your early thirties once you get there, if you get there, and your mates ̶ which may or may not include the houris who will be providing you with all the sex you can handle ̶ will be of equal age. You will also literally be able to go at it day and night for you will never get tired and never be without an erection when you need one.
Bob: This is really good news for old people.
Uzza: The only people of Paradise who we know for sure will not be in their thirties, are boys whom Allah describes as “hidden pearls” who will go around the men lounging on couches, ostensibly to serve them food and drink, or whatever.
Bob: Are these the little boys that commit suicide bombings?
Uzza: Probably not.
Bob: How do you get little boys to blow themselves up anyway?
Uzza: You play on every little boy’s fantasy of being all grown up. You tell them that, literally, in a puff of smoke, they can become a man if they are willing to help Allah get rid of the bad people.
Archie: You have to wonder why there are no old geezers blowing themselves up with a promise of eternal youth and orgies galore.
Archie: They know better, and with every gullible guy blowing himself up, it leaves more young women and girls for them. They are no fools, just like the Prophet was no fool.
Bob: Young girls are also blowing themselves up. What’s in it for them?
Uzza: Not much, which is why the process of getting girls to do what young boys will do without much persuasion is slightly more complicated and brutal. Turning little girls into mass murderers is a challenge, but holy warriors have proven themselves up to the task with little girls increasingly outnumbering little boys as suicide bombers.
Gerry: How do they do it?
Uzza: The transformation usually begins with the rape of god-fearing girls by fighters in Allah's Cause. It is meant to make them feel a heart-breaking guilt for having brought dishonour on their family, a shame so intense that death seems preferable.
Gerry: But why do they not just kill themselves and not harm anyone else?
Archie: Or wait for their father to kill them?
Gerry: Archie, this is serious.
Archie: I am being serious.
Uzza: Rape makes a shamble of a young girl's fantasy of marrying her prince charming. What nice young man would have her as his beloved bride now that she is no longer a virgin? Only Allah, she is told, can now make her dream come true. Not in the here-and-now, but in the Hereafter, if she has the courage to kill herself and take as many of His enemies as possible with her.