Boreal
Remembering Uzza
If Islam Was Explained to Me in a Pub
Foreplay and Fallacies
Uzza:
Women singers everywhere meant that the world was wallowing in lust, making it
more likely that Allah would bring an end to all this lusting and music.
Archie: You said music. What’s with the music?
Uzza: Music too is a distraction from worshipping Allah. That is why listening to music or playing a musical instrument, all of which are considered an invention of the devil, flutes in particular being the worst, is a sin.
Archie: I’ll say it again, you have to be kidding!
Uzza: And it is not a trivial sin. It is 16th on the list of grave sins.
Bob: What are the Grave Sins?
Uzza: The Greater Sins, or Grave Sins, are those where the Koran, or a saying of Muhammad, explicitly state or imply that the sinner is going to Hell[286].
Gerry: Why single out flutes?
Archie: Come on Gerry! With a prude of a prophet you know why. You just want to hear Uzza talk dirty again.
Uzza: [does not give Gerry time to answer] Muhammad was even more straight-laced than Allah, if you can believe that?
Archie: Sure, why not!
Uzza: For example, when Muhammad first arrived in Medina and discovered that date bearing palms were artificially pollinated, he was scandalized and ordered the practice stopped. He reinstituted the practice the next year after date production plummeted, but insisted it be done when he was not around.
Bob: Does that mean that Islam is against artificial insemination?
Uzza: There is consensus that it is permissible as long she is inseminated by the sperm of her husband from sperm which was not produced during the holy month of Ramadan, as masturbation is considered a sexual act, and all sexual activity is forbidden during Islam’s holiest month.
Bob: Then it’s okay for a man to masturbate into a test tube.
Uzza: His sperm will ultimately end up in Allah’s designated receptacle to produce the babies He demands; therefore, it is for a good cause. Another good cause is when pleasuring yourself stops you from committing a greater sin such as adultery. Only the most dogmatic schools of Islamic law, such as the Shafi school, consider masturbation haram under all circumstances because of a strict interpretation of revelations where Allah commands that a man’s private parts is for sex with his wives and slave-girls exclusively[287] not himself.
Archie: Since the problem with women who can’t get pregnant is usually their husband’s sperm, why the charade of having her husband deliver it manually?
Uzza: It is not always the sperm; sometimes it is the delivery mechanism.
Archie: You mean the hose is too short or not enough pressure builds up to give the little buggers a running start?
Uzza: Or the environment the litter buggers must travel to reach their destination is too toxic, which makes it the woman’s fault.
Bob: Why not another man’s sperm?
Uzza: You have to ask. Part of it has to do with giving the wife ideas. If she can receive another man’s sperm via a syringe, why not the old-fashioned way[288], and behind her husband’s back?
Gerry: Women get no credit for decency and self-control, do they?
Uzza: No.
Bob: I guess I don’t have to ask about flutes?
Uzza: Muhammad considered flutes phallic symbols. He warned the believers about the seductive power of musical instruments that resembled a man's penis into which you blew and used your fingers to coax out a tune.
Bob: That brings up an interesting question.
Archie: I‘ll bet!
Bob: Can Muslim girls do that, blow it or play with it until he comes?
Uzza: When it comes to a girl putting a man’s penis in her mouth with the purpose of pleasuring her lover, scholars are all over the place[289].
Bob: What other purpose is there?
Uzza: There is more of a consensus around a man performing fellatio[290], but still many disagree. The main objection to both cunnilingus and fellatio is that lips and tongues are used to recite the Koran and touching another person’s private parts renders them unclean for that purpose.
Archie: That is why God invented mouthwash, I am sure.
Uzza: You are making fun of me?
Archie: No, not you.
Uzza: As to that other thing, as long as it is the left hand of your spouse or sex-slave that is attempting to coax a tune out of you, it is probably halal, especially if you intend to penetrate her before ejaculating so as not to deprive Allah of the opportunity to make a baby.
Archie: Wouldn’t want to do that.
Bob: I guess that also means no cumming on her boobies.
Archie: What are you, five years old?
Uzza: Muhammad too liked breasts, not that way I am sure, but he enjoyed fondling them.
Bob: Who doesn’t!
Uzza: He especially enjoyed playing with those of his child-bride Aisha when it was her time of the month[291] and he could not touch her down there, you know, because she was unclean.
Archie: I will bet anything Allah was a fan as well.
Uzza: Yes He is, but not for the sensation that comes from touching them, but for what they contain, as was Muhammad.
Bob: Are you saying they liked to suck on them, like babies I mean?
Uzza: NO! Allah, definitely not! God was well aware that a mother’s milk is essential to a newborn and decreed that mothers shall wean their babies for two years[292], or maybe twenty-one months.
Archie: Why the “maybe twenty-one months”?
Uzza: Because, in another revealed truth Allah decreed that the time from gestation to when the child is weaned is thirty months[293].
Bob: So?
Gerry: Do the math: if a baby must be suckled for 24 months that leaves only a gestation period of six months.
Bob: What is gestation again?
Uzza: The time from when a sperm enters the egg and a human being emerges fully form.
Bob: Everybody knows that is nine months, more or less.
Archie: Everybody except Allah, or should I say Muhammad.
Uzza: Probably was a mistake, a typographical error, I am sure.
Archie: A typo, my ass. From what you have told us about Allah’s understanding of where babies come from, it is obvious that whoever came up with a gestation period of six months for human being is basing the start of a pregnancy on the appearance of a baby bump and knows nothing of what has taken place before that.
Uzza: You would say that. It is not that I disagree with you, but I cannot agree with you.
Archie: Believe it or not, Uzza, I understand and I apologise for the “typo my ass” remark; you didn’t deserve that.
Uzza: Thank you, Archie. And I will have another glass of wine with that apology.
Archie: [pours her another glass of wine which she downs in one gulp]
Uzza: WOW, I always wanted to do that. May I have another, Archie, my Mr. Bartender?
Archie: Only if you promise to sip it.
Uzza: I promise, but not little sips. I am a big girl and big girls take big sips.
Archie: Uzza, I think you’re getting drunk. Be careful.
Uzza: Be careful, what did you just say [leans forward, winks at Gerry and slaps her behind], my ass. Now, does anyone want to know what Muhammad thought of breast milk?
Bob: I do.
Archie: Why not.
Uzza: What about you, Gerry [touching his hand]?
Gerry: Archie, why don’t you get Uzza a cup of coffee?
Uzza: Maybe later, not now. Do not spoil it, please, Gerry. I have never felt this way before, and it is not just the wine.
Archie: And what way would that be?
Uzza: Free. So free and…
Gerry: Okay, Uzza, tell your story about Muhammad, then I’m taking you home.
Uzza: [frustrated and babbling] I told you before, you cannot! I could suckle you if my breasts were that way and that might make it alright; but you are not a believer therefore it probably would not work, and even if it did, we could not get together in that beautiful way you talked about before because that would be incest.
Archie: What the fuck are you talking about?
Bob: [looking at Uzza] What he just said.
Uzza: For Muhammad, breasts were not only a utilitarian attribute of females and fun to play with[294] but what they contained had almost magical properties. He said that a woman who suckled an adult male who was not a close relation made marriage to her not only impossible for him but undesirable. He became the equivalent of a brother and therefore could spend time alone with her[295]. This is also what happens to unrelated boys and girls who are suckled by the same nursemaid: they became the equivalent of brothers and sisters. If, later in life, they marry and discover this was the case they must get divorced immediately, Muhammad said[296].
Archie: Too bad the Prophet did not make marrying your cousin like marrying your sister, for both increase the risk of giving birth to cripples and morons.
Uzza: Mentally and physical handicapped children, yes. Even Saudi Arabia has acknowledged that this is a problem[297] in spite of Allah, not Muhammad, saying it was okay[298].
Bob: Can we get back to sucking boobs for a minute. What if I’m already married and I want to try what the baby’s having? Does that mean we need to get a divorce, or are married couples immune to this thing that breast milk does to strangers who would suck my wife’s boobies?
Uzza: I do not know.
Archie: And I thought it could not get any weirder.
Bob: And sexier [wiping his brow].
Gerry: [doing the same] I think it’s time to change the subject, again.
Uzza: What were we talking about before things got interesting? Ah yes, Mecca and the Zakat. See, I am not drunk.
Footnote
[286] The forty Greater Sins in descending order of evilness:
1. Shirk (polytheism), associating other gods with Allah.
2. Yās (despair), to doubt Allah’s Mercy.
3. Qunut (despondence), losing hope in Allah.
4. Not fearing Allah’s punishment.
5. Murder.
6. Parental disobedience.
7. Breaking up with relatives.
8. Usurping the property of orphans.
9. The charging of interest on borrowed money.
10. Fornication (adultery).
11. Sodomy.
12. Wrongfully accusing a chaste believer of adultery or homosexuality.
13. Drinking alcoholic beverages.
14. Gambling.
15. To neglect an obligatory religious duty.
16. Playing musical instruments or listening to music.
17. Singing.
18. Lying.
19. False oaths.
20. False testimony.
21. Concealing evidence.
22. Breaking a promise.
23. Misappropriation of property.
24. Stealing.
25. Short weighing or cheating in business.
26. Eating of what is unlawful.
27. Usurping the rights of others.
28. Avoiding Jihad.
29. Becoming A’Arāb after Hijrat, “the condition when a desert Bedouin before acquiring the necessary knowledge of religion turns back to his ignorant ways.”
30. Helping the oppressors.
31. Not helping the oppressed.
32. Sorcery.
33. Extravagance e.g. wasteful expenditures.
34. Arrogance.
35. To war against Muslims.
36. Eating of carrion, pork and blood.
37. Omitting prayer intentionally.
38. Non–payment of Zakat (obligatory charity).
39. To consider the Hajj (mandatory pilgrimage) insignificant.
40. Persistence in minor sins (committing a lesser sin repeatedly).
23:1 The believers have prospered;
23:2 Those who are submissive in their prayers,
23:3 And those who turn away from idle talk,
23:4 And those who give the alms.
23:5 And those who guard their private parts,
23:6 Except from their wives and what their right hands possess (slave-girls). [For these] they are not blameworthy.
23:7 Whoever seeks anything beyond that – those are the transgressors.
The next type of artificial insemination is that a stranger's sperm is inserted into the wombs of someone else's wife. This kind of artificial insemination in the view of Islam (which has based marriage on precaution, carefulness, accuracy and piety) is absolutely illegal and the same is view of the great jurists of Islam and from some traditions regarding marriage we can know that it is prohibited.
In addition to this from the ethical, social and psychological points of view this is absolutely illegal and prohibited. And it has three main defects as described. Below:
1. From the ethical point of view it encourages promiscuity in women and slowly it attracts her to illegal liaisons. She tends to think that what difference does it make because the sperm of a stranger is inserted into her womb or this is carried out through illegal intercourse. After this procedure (even if this had the husband's sanction) this woman most of the time attempts illegal liaisons. Because in doing thus she has no fear from the husband. And if she becomes pregnant she can easily transfer the responsibility to artificial insemination which has been carried out with the permission of the husband.
Islam.org - Question 72: Islamic View on Artificial Insemination
If a man inserts his penis in his wife’s mouth, it is said that it is disliked (makruh), and others said that it is not disliked.”
al-Fatawa al-Hindiyya, 5/372
Imam Musa al-Kazim (A.S.) was once asked, “Can a person kiss his wife’s vagina?”
The Imam (A.S.) said, “No problem.”
Sayyid Athar Husayn S.H. Rizvi author of Islamic Marriage Handbook
[291] Narrated Aisha:
The Prophet and I used to take a bath from a single pot while we were Junub. During the menses, he used to order me to put on an Izar (dress worn below the waist) and used to fondle me.
Bukhari 6.298
2:233 Mothers shall suckle their children for two whole years; [that is] for those who wish to complete the suckling. Those to whom the children are born (the fathers) shall maintain and clothe them kindly. No soul is charged beyond its capacity. No mother should suffer on account of her child and he to whom a child is born should not suffer on account of his child. The same [duties (the maintenance and clothing of divorced women)] devolve upon the [father’s] heir (if the heir is a child and has a guardian the latter would be charged with those duties). But they commit no offence if by mutual agreement and following consultation they choose to wean the child. You also commit no offence if you engage wet-nurses, provided that you give them what you promised to give kindly. Fear Allah and know that Allah has knowledge of what you do.
[293] If the weaning period is included in the suckling period (24 months) then Allah, in the following verse where He decrees that the gestation and weaning period combined total thirty months, has underestimated the gestation period of the human fetus by three months (30 - 24 = 6 months gestation time).
46:15 We have commanded man to be kind to his parents; his mother bore him painfully and delivered him painfully, his gestation and weaning totalling thirty months. When he is fully grown and turns forty, he will say: “Lord, inspire me to be thankful for the favour, with which You have favoured me and favoured my parents; and to do a righteous deed, well-pleasing to You. Grant me righteousness in my progeny; I have truly repented to You and one of those who submit.
[294] Narrated Aisha:
The Prophet and I used to take a bath from a single pot while we were Junub. During the menses, he used to order me to put on an Izar (dress worn below the waist) and used to fondle me. While in Itikaf, he used to bring his head near me and I would wash it while I used to be in my periods (menses).
Bukhari 6.298
Aisha (Allah be pleased with her) reported that Salim, the freed slave of Abu Hadhaifa, lived with him and his family in their house. She (i. e. the daughter of Suhail came to Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him) and said: Salim has attained (puberty) as men attain, and he understands what they understand, and he enters our house freely, I, however, perceive that something (rankles) in the heart of Abu Hudhaifa, whereupon Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him) said to her: Suckle him and you would become unlawful for him, and (the rankling) which Abu Hudhaifa feels in his heart will disappear. She returned and said: So I suckled him, and what (was there) in the heart of Abu Hudhaifa disappeared.
Sahih Muslim 8.3425
[296] Narrated Abdullah bin Abu Mulaika from 'Uqba bin Al-Harith:
Uqba married the daughter of Abu Ihab bin Aziz, and then a woman came and said, "I suckled 'Uqba and his wife."
Uqba said to her, "I do not know that you have suckled me, and you did not inform me."
He then sent someone to the house of Abu Ihab to enquire about that but they did not know that she had suckled their daughter.
Then Uqba went to the Prophet in Medina and asked him about it.
The Prophet said to him, "How (can you keep your wife) after it has been said (that both of you were suckled by the same woman)?"
So, he divorced her and she was married to another (husband).
Bukhari 48.808
The knowledge of the risk of reduced mental acuity and increased physical abnormalities due to inbreeding has not stopped marriages between close relations in traditional Muslim societies such as Saudi Arabia. “In some parts of Saudi Arabia, particularly in the south… the rate of marriage among blood relatives ranges from 55 to 70 percent… according to the Saudi government. Widespread inbreeding in Saudi Arabia has produced several genetic disorders Saudi public health officials said.
New York Times, Saudi Arabia Awakes to the Perils of Inbreeding, May 1, 2003
4:23 Unlawful to you are your mothers, your daughters, your sisters, your paternal and maternal aunts, your brother’s daughters and sister’s daughters, your foster-mothers who gave you suck, your foster-sisters, your wives’ mothers, your step-daughters who are in your custody, born to your wives whom you have lain with. But if you have not lain with them then, then you are not at fault. [It is also not lawful to marry] the wives of your sons who are of your loins, or to take in two sisters together, unless this has already happened. Allah is truly All-Forgiving and Merciful!
4:24 Or married women except those your right hands possess (slave-girls). This is Allah’s decree for you. Beyond these it is lawful for you to seek, by means of your wealth, any women to marry and not to debauch…