Boreal
Remembering Uzza
If Islam Was Explained to Me in a Pub
A Whore’s Understanding
Uzza:
Gerry, do you want to come to an understanding?
Gerry: What do you mean?
Uzza: Oh, for Allah’s sake! Do you want to have sex?
Gerry: You mean right here, right now? Can I buy you dinner first?
Uzza: It is now or never. A distant cousin has gotten in touch with my parents and made them a very attractive offer.
Gerry: And they accepted?
Uzza: Of course not! But they told me about it, and I said that, in spite of the age difference, I was okay with it. They need the money and after all they have done for me, it is the least I can do for them.
Gerry: You’re a good girl, Uzza. In fact, you might say, a very good Muslim girl.
Uzza: I am a good Muslim girl.
Archie: Even if you came here to have sex?
Uzza: I did not come here with sex on my mind, except perhaps with the stranger I have agreed to marry who will soon have his way with me and it scares me. I came here to think about that, about how my life is about to change, unsure about everything. Then you got me talking about my religion, and I stayed even after you mocked it[299] − not you Gerry − because some of what was said I know to be true, and confronting it turned out to be a liberating experience.
Archie: That and the wine.
Uzza: That and remembering Hind and the free-spirited women of Mecca before Muhammad, and what you said, Gerry, about sex being an understanding between two people who respect each other, and that it is this understanding that makes it a beautiful thing. I did not come here expecting to have sex, but I do believe in serendipity. So, Gerry, can we come to an understanding?
Gerry: But you already have an understanding?
Uzza: It is a whore’s understanding[300]! I have agreed to have sex for money. That we will be doing it in a marriage setting makes no difference[301] except to our two peas in a pod who expect me to bend over[302], excuse my French, for the man Allah has put in charge of me because He tells me he is better than me and will spend money on me[303].
Gerry: Sorry, Uzza, it doesn’t feel right and this is certainly not the place.
Uzza: Are you saying you have never had sex in a public washroom?
Gerry: That is not the point.
Uzza: It is because you are nice man, and I know that, and that is why I am attracted to you.
Bob: I thought women liked the bad boys?
Uzza: A bad boy is what I can expect on my wedding night, but right now I want to do it with a nice man who will hold me in his arms, passionately kiss and caress me everywhere, tell me I am beautiful and that everything will be all right.
Archie: You expect a lot from sex in a washroom.
Gerry: Uzza, do you really want your first time to be in a public restroom, even if Archie would let us?
Archie: Just don’t ask, and if you do decide to do it, use the men’s can.
Bob: Why the men’s can?
Archie: Men entering a washroom where a couple is having sex are less likely to make a scene.
Uzza: So, Gerry, what will it be?
Gerry: I don’t know. Archie, another, please.
Footnotes
4:140 He has revealed to you in the Book that, should you hear the Revelations of Allah being denied or mocked, you should not sit with them until they engage in some other discussion. Otherwise, you are like them. Allah shall assemble all the hypocrites and the unbelievers in Hell;
[300] Those who force their slave-girls into prostituting themselves for their benefit will find Allah “Forgiving, Merciful,” unless it is the slave-girls He intends to forgive.
24:33 Let those who do not find the means to marry be abstinent, till Allah enriches them from his Bounty. Those whom your right hands own and who wish to pay for their emancipation, conclude a contract with them, if you know that there is some good in them, and give them of Allah’s wealth which He gave you. Do not force your slave-girls into prostitution, if they wish to be chaste, in order to seek the fleeting goods of this life. Whoever forces them, surely Allah, after their being forced, is Forgiving, Merciful.
[301] Two sayings of Muhammad from two separate respected collectors which appears to explicitly confirm that marriage sanctifies prostitution is his approval of temporary marriages for the singular purpose of having and paying for sex.
Narrated Abdullah:
We used to participate in the holy wars carried on by the Prophet and we had no women (wives) with us. So we said (to the Prophet). "Shall we castrate ourselves?" But the Prophet forbade us to do that and thenceforth he allowed us to marry a woman (temporarily) by giving her even a garment, and then he recited: "O you who believe! Do not make unlawful the good things which Allah has made lawful for you." Qur'an 5:87
Bukhari 6:60:139
Sabra Juhanni reported (unlike Bukhari, Sahih Muslim does not use quotation marks in his hadiths): Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) permitted temporary marriage for us. So I and another person went out and saw a woman of Bana 'Amir, who was like a young long-necked she-camel. We presented ourselves to her (for contracting temporary marriage), whereupon she said: What dower would you give me?
I said: My cloak. And my companion also said: My cloak. And the cloak of my companion was superior to my cloak, but I was younger than he. So when she looked at the cloak of my companion she liked it, and when she cast a glance at me I looked more attractive to her.
She then said: Well, you and your cloak are sufficient for me. I remained with her for three nights, and then Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: He who has any such woman with whom he had contracted temporary marriage, he should let her off.
Sahih Muslim 8:3252
Sunnis consider temporary marriages haram while Shiites have made it part of their legal code and accessible to just about everyone.
[302] Don’t do it from the back if you don’t want a squinty-eyed child. In a minority interpretation of revelation 2:223, it’s all about giving the husband the right to decide what position to adopt during sex so as to avoid giving birth to a child with strabismus, not about taking away a woman’s right to deny her husband’s demand for intimacy if she is not in the mood.
Narrated Jabir:
Jews used to say: "If one has sexual intercourse with his wife from the back, then she will deliver a squint-eyed child." So this Verse was revealed: "Your wives are a tilth unto you; so go to your tilth when or how you will." (2.223)."
Bukhari 60.51
4:34 Men are in charge of women, because Allah has made some of them excel the others, and because they spend some of their wealth. Hence righteous women are obedient, guarding the unseen which Allah has guarded. And those of them that you fear might rebel, admonish them and abandon them in their beds and beat them. Should they obey you, do not seek a way of harming them; for Allah is Sublime and Great!