Boreal
Remembering Uzza
If Islam Was Explained to Me in a Pub
The Passing of Perfection
Gerry:
Cult figures are often remembered for the way they died. Remember Jesus?
Uzza: Death of the man today revered as the perfect human being was definitely not as spectacular as Jesus’, a slight-of-hand spectacle engineered by Allah. Nonetheless, Muhammad’s death, what he did and said before he died, has been an inspiration for the believers to this day and another reason they are triumphing over Jesus' supporters everywhere.
Bob: When did the Prophet die?
Uzza: He died just over a year and a half after his return from Tabuk. During that time he married the youthful Asma[392], his thirteenth and last wife by most counts.
Archie: Thirteenth? Who was the twelfth?
Uzza: Oh, that would be Mariya, one of two Christian girls, sisters actually, whom Muqawqis, as a sign of respect, sent to Muhammad after receiving his ultimatum. Muhammad kept Mariya for himself and gave Sirin[393] to his scribe Thabit.
Bob: Lucky scribe.
Gerry: I find it hard to believe that a Catholic bishop would send the warring leader of a competing faith[394] Christian girls as tribute?
Uzza: All religions want the world governed by their brand of divine rule. The monotheistic religions that would rule the world may be competitors but they are also, what do you say, birds of a feather. They all agree that the universe was created in six days by some cantankerous asexual old guy with superpowers beyond our comprehension who then sat down in a big chair[395] in the sky for the next six thousand years and counting, keeping busy communicating at intervals[396], via favourites, his instructions on how we should live and die and how he wants to be worshipped for all he has done for us.
Gerry: That still does not explain Christian girls as a tribute to a caliph?
Uzza: Slaves were an integral part of the recently fallen Roman Empire. Muqawqis’ tribute must be considered in this light, keeping in mind that he was an admirer of Muhammad, if not a Muslim at heart, who was looking for an ally in his fight with the Roman Church.
Archie: Some ally!
Uzza: Today it is more of a them against us, the them being the monotheistic big three; the us, the Secular State. That overriding commonality of interest of these birds of a feather is reflected in a reluctance to publicly criticize each other in any meaningful way[397] and in the tacit support given Islam’s assault on the Secular[398] by its alleged competitors. The Islamists would never have succeeded in blurring, and soon completely erasing, the line between Church and State if the Christian and Jewish leadership had not taken their side whenever the Secular tried to assert its authority.
Archie: What you’re saying is fuck the imams, the bishops, the archbishops; fuck the Pope.
Bob: You didn’t say fuck the rabbis?
Archie: Them too.
Uzza: Even if it was what I meant to say, I would never have put it so eloquently.
Bob: So this Mariya, was she good to the Prophet?
Uzza: She was more than good; Muhammad could not get enough of her; after he married her, of course.
Bob: I didn’t mean it that way, but okay.
Uzza: What is it with Christian girls and sex?
Archie: They get to practice, sometimes a lot.
Uzza: Sawda, a widow and the first female Muhammad married after the death of his first wife[399], was a match for any Christian girl but she was getting on in years and chose to curry her husband’s favour in other ways by giving up her turn[400]. As to the rest, except for Aisha who got Sawda’s turn, they may not have gotten to practice more than once a week, and maybe not even that, especially during the last years of Muhammad’s life.
Bob: What did Sawda get in return?
Uzza: Her husband would be less inclined to divorce her because of her age.
Gerry: The Prophet could marry whoever he wanted because he was the Prophet, but why do ordinary Muslim men who are already married seem to have no problem adding a second wife?
Uzza: Is it not obvious? She gets an experienced lover and a fulltime live-in maid. What woman would not want that? Trust me; until her husband loses interest in her private parts, she is not doing any housework.
Bob: And when he does?
Uzza: She will have children to look after and another dimwitted prisoner with whom to commiserate.
Gerry: You mean the first wife.
Uzza: Yes.
Bob: A “dimwitted prisoner!” Why would you call her that?
Uzza: That is how Muhammad referred to married women in his last sermon[401], his last Khutba, probably the most important document in Islam after the Koran. In his last sermon, delivered on Mount Arafat outside Mecca a few months before he died, he summarized all the basic beliefs of Islam and all the duties of a believer. English translations will usually run less than 1,300 words. Like the Koran, commentators have spoken about Muhammad’s last khutba in laudatory terms. If you are not a believer, your praise may be more subdued.
Bob: Are you saying that I don’t have to read the Koran to understand what Islam is all about?
Uzza: There is no substitute to reading the Koran in its entirety. But, if you are not going to do that, then Muhammad’s last sermon is better than nothing.
Gerry: Does the man you are marrying have other wives?
Uzza: I do not think so.
Archie: Poor you.
Gerry: If the Prophet could not get enough of Mariya, did that mean he abandoned practicing with his other wives on a regular basis?
Uzza: Yes, and that upset those whose practice session with Muhammad was either cancelled or postponed. It came to a head when Hafsa found Muhammad practicing with Mariya, not only on her day, but at her place. She let him have it then and there, demanding that he swear to stop practicing with Mariya[402].
Bob: And he agreed?
Uzza: Muhammad met his match in the teenagers he married. He could not intimidate them; they intimidated him, prompting Allah to intervene on more than one occasion to put the fear of Him in them to get them to behave. Allah even threatened with replacing two of them with more compliant wives after Muhammad has divorced them for talking behind his back[403].
Archie: The kids obviously knew better.
Bob: So did the Prophet stop practicing with Mariya?
Uzza: He had taken an oath, and that presented a problem because the believers of Medina would have been aware of his undertaking and Allah’s revelations about keeping your oaths if your intention was not to deceive.
Archie: Let me guess: Allah freed him from his oath.
Uzza: As Aisha said, Allah was always ready to step in and save the day if it had anything to do with her husband getting the sex he wanted. In this instance, Allah makes it clear to Muhammad that he cannot prohibit himself from indulging in what He has made lawful simply to please his wives and absolved him of his oath[404]. Muhammad could go back to practicing with Mariya as often as he liked with God’s blessing.
Bob: It’s surprising he did not blow a gasket with all the practice time these girls demanded of the old man.
Uzza: Blow a gasket?
Gerry: Have a heart attack.
Uzza: In the last year or so of his life, Muhammad may have been having less sex than he thought he was. This may have saved him from the exertion that could have caused him to “blow a gasket” during coitus.
Gerry: Are you saying the Prophet imagined having sex with his wives?
Uzza: According to Aisha, that is exactly what her husband did. They blamed it on magic[405].
Gerry: So how did he die?
Uzza: The official version is that he died from the minute amount of poison he may have ingested at Khaybar a few years earlier.
Archie: Who came up with that nonsense?
Uzza: Aisha said that during his agony, her husband told her that the pain he felt was like the one he experienced at Khaybar after taking a bite from the poisoned meat[406].
Bob: That is one slow-acting poison. That should have given the Prophet time to ask God for an antidote[407].
Uzza: Muhammad was very much his own medicine man and a source of much medical and environmental information for the believers. His favourite remedy for everyday aches and pains was cupping[408]; for something more serious he recommended cumin [409]; for tonsillitis it was incense, fragrant smoke[410].
Gerry: Don’t go there, Archie!
Uzza: In fact, Muhammad’s sayings and example relating to how you treated whatever ailed you led to a concerted effort to set up a school of "Prophetic Medicine"[411]. It did not meet with the expected success, and the laws governing Prophetic Medicine remain the most flouted of Islamic laws, and for good reason.
Bob: What is this environmental advice?
Uzza: Environmental may be the wrong word. For example, the believers wanted to know if water from a well in which animal carcasses and excrements had been deposited was still pure[412]. Muhammad said yes.
Bob: Gross. You would think Allah would have told him that water that is full of that stuff is not good for you.
Archie: As I keep telling you, Muhammad and Allah are one of the same, and this proves it once and for all.
Gerry. Archie give it a rest. We get it. And you’re making Uzza sad again.
Archie: I’m sorry, Uzza.
Uzza: Do not be. I only have myself to blame.
Bob: For telling us about the Prophet?
Uzza: For telling you about Muhammad.
Bob: So, were the Jews responsible for the Prophet, I mean Muhammad, dying the way he did?
Uzza: Muhammad had made his peace with the Jews, with Tabuk as witness, so don't believe a word of that piece of contrived history about the Jews being complicit in his passing. In fact, stories still circulated more than one hundred years after his death about how he died, stories which made it into the collection of the renown hadith collector Bukhari and are part of the Sunni cannon. Stories about Muhammad falling off whatever he was riding and appearing for the last time at prayers favouring a left shoulder, which was covered up and an oily bandage around his head[413]. These authenticated accounts of the last days of Muhammad would indicate that his death was the result of an accident and the Jews had nothing to do with it.
Gerry: Didn't Muhammad curse the Jews with his dying breath?
Uzza: Muhammad cursed both the Jews and the Christians in what may have been his next-to-last breath, and it had nothing to do with either one being party to his demise. It was to warn the believers not to do what Christians and Jews did, and that is build monuments to their prophets[414]. This is why, to this day, you will not find any equivalent testimonial to the memory of Muhammad.
Bob: When you said the Prophet did not intend to become a cult figure, I now believe you.
Archie: What were the guy's last words?
Uzza: His last words were to ask Allah to welcome him to the highest level of Paradise[415] and before that, to protect him from those who blow in knotted reeds[416].
Bob: To protect him from witches?
Uzza: Muhammad, to repeat myself, was a product of the time in which he lived, a time when irrational beliefs, superstitions and unfounded fears overwhelmed common sense and reason.
Archie: What you have been repeating is that the Koran is a bunch of crap and that God, wherever He is, had nothing to do with it.
Uzza: I do not believe in witches but that does not mean they do not exist.
Bob: That still does not explain why the Prophet would want to be protected from witches when he was about to be welcomed into Paradise.
Uzza: Muhammad did not die a martyr, so there was no escaping life in the grave when he may have feared that those who blow in reeds might be able to pay him a visit.
Archie: If I did what he did to women, I would be scared too.
Footnotes
[392] Asma' b. an-Nu`man is considered by some the half-married wife of Muhammad. Her impending marriage was part of a negotiated alliance with her tribe. She would have been Muhammad’s last wife since he died the next year. According to Tamam Kahn, author of Untold - A History of the Wives of Prophet Muhammad, Asma’ is said to have been a naïve young girl who was pranked by Aisha and Hafsa who convinced her that repeating the formula for divorce when she was with her husband “would make the Prophet love her more. He, of course, heard the formula as powerful repudiation and sent her away.”
From Muqawqis I read your letter and understood what you have written. I know that the coming of a Prophet is still due. But I thought, he would be born in Syria – I have treated your messenger with respect and honor.
I am sending two maids (Maria al-Qibtiyya and her sister Sirin) for you as presents. These maids belong to a very respectable family amongst us. In addition I send for you clothes and a Duldul (steed) for riding. May God bestow security on you.
Various sources
[394] Some have disputed Islam’s account of what Muqawqis said and did after receiving Muhammad’s ultimatum. The two main sticking points appear to be 1) “Why would a Christian bishop send two Christian ladies, belonging to noble Coptic families, as slaves to a non-Christian ruler?” and 2) “Christians believe in the Second Coming, not in the arrival of a new prophet, i.e., the Prophet Muhammad.” One explanation is that Muqawqis was a secret convert to Islam and that would explain what he said and did, including facilitating the Muslim conquest of Egypt.
[395] In five of the seven recollections of His creating the heavens and the Earth in six days, Allah reminds the reader that, after all was said and done, He sat down in a big chair that is a throne, not on the traditional, ubiquitous mat or carpet of the typical desert dweller of Arabia to whom the Koran was first revealed.
7:54 Your Lord is truly Allah, Who has created the heavens and the earth in six days, then He sat upon the Throne. He covers the day with the night, which pursues it relentlessly. The sun, the moon and the stars are made subservient by His Command. To Him belongs the Creation and the Command. Blessed is Allah the Lord of the Worlds.
10:3 Truly, your Lord is Allah Who created the heavens and the earth in six days, then He sat on the Throne controlling all things. There is no intercessor without His Leave. That is Allah, your Lord; so worship Him. Do you not pay heed?
25:59 Who created the heavens and the earth and what lies between them is six days. Then the Compassionate sat upon the Throne. So ask about Him, the Well-Informed.
32:4 Allah, Who created the heavens and the earth in six days, sat upon the Throne. You have no guardian or intercessor, apart from Him. Do you not recollect.
57:4 It is He Who created the heavens and the earth in six days; then He sat upon the Throne. He knows what penetrates into the earth and what comes out of it; what comes down from heaven and ascends to it. He is with you, wherever you are: Allah perceives whatever you do.
32:5 He manages the affair from heaven to the earth; then, it ascends to Him in one day whose measure is a thousand years of what you reckon.
Reads well, but shops would be very reluctant to stock something on this subject that isn't by a scholar or authority of some kind or other. If you could get some endorsements.
In looking to satisfy a publisher’s requirement that I obtain the endorsement of a recognized religious expert before they would consider publishing Pain, Pleasure and Prejudice, the then Rector of Ottawa's Saint Paul University arranged for me to meet with an eminent European theologian and guest lecturer who had written extensively on Islam and the Koran. He asked if my book presented the Koran and the Prophet in a positive light. I said, "No, not always." He declined to even glance at my manuscript. "There was no point," he explained. The Bible also contains questionable passages, and for him to endorse a book that offered even mild criticisms of the Koranic text was to invite retaliation in kind, which would only benefit the enemies of religion."
[398] This us against them cronyism was evident in Archbishop Rowan Douglas Williams' chastisement of the British government for urging Muslims to discard the niqab (a face covering veil with a narrow slit for the eyes), warning "it would advance the cause of secularism in British society.”
[399] After the death of Khadijah in the year 619, Muhammad, after waiting a respectable amount of time, and after being persuaded by close friends that he needed a wife to help him raise his two unmarried daughters, married the widow Sawda. Middle-aged Sawda was the only woman Muhammad married who, it is reported, was neither young nor beautiful.
[400] Narrated Aisha:
Whenever Allah's Apostle wanted to go on a journey, he would draw lots as to which of his wives would accompany him. He would take her whose name came out. He used to fix for each of them a day and a night. But Sauda bint Zam'a gave up her (turn) day and night to 'Aisha, the wife of the Prophet in order to seek the pleasure of Allah's Apostle (by that action).
Bukhari 47.766
Treat the women kindly, for verily, they are like prisoners in your house and are incapable of looking after themselves.
From a translation by Dr. Muhammad Hamidullah’s [1908-2002]
Relations between Mariya and the wives reached a theatrical pitch as we see from the following hadith.
Hadith tells us: “The Messenger of Allah was alone with his slave girl Mariya in Hafsa’s room. The Prophet came out and she (Hafsa) was sitting at the door.
She said: ‘Messenger of Allah! In my room and on my day!’
She said: ‘I will not accept it without you swearing an oath to me.”
So he said, ‘By Allah I will never touch her.’
Tamam Kahn, Untold - A History of the Wives of Prophet Muhammad, Monkfish Book Publishing, 2010.
[403] Following is what most would consider a trivial case of wife management in which the Almighty feels compelled to intervene. The situation is this: Muhammad has told one of his wives, in secrecy, that he has eaten some honey. This wife then tells another that their husband-in-common has eaten some honey. Allah, who sees and hears all, decides to tell Muhammad a redacted version of what he saw and heard. We are not told about the part Allah leaves out, even it seems central to the story, unless it is really about a taste of honey. It is again a somewhat infantile transgression which could easily have been dismissed if Allah had not chosen this opportunity to again express His views on what constitutes the perfect wife. Here is how it all went down. First, Allah informs Muhammad of part of the conversation He has overheard.
66:3 And when the Prophet confided to one of his wives a certain matter (his eating of honey); and she divulged it, and Allah disclosed it to him too, He made known part of it, but withheld the other part. Then, when he told her about it, she said: “Who told you this?” He said: “The All-Knowing, All-Informed told me.”
Allah suspects a conspiracy against Muhammad. To put an end to the gossip about the honey He informs the two women of the formidable forces allied against them: God himself, most of the believers and all the angels, including the mighty Gabriel, support Muhammad. This has to be about more than one wife divulging to another that their husband-in-common has eaten some honey for Allah to put His own prestige on the line and to throw in everything but the kitchen sink to force the two women to keep quiet.
66:4 If you two (the two wives of the Prophet) repent onto Allah, then your hearts will have certainly inclined; but if you band together against him, then Allah is his Master. Gabriel, the righteous among the believers and the angels thereupon are his supporters, too.
Then the really big threat – especially in Muhammad’s time: divorce. Allah will grant Muhammad a divorce and may replace them with better wives, which He proceeds to describe followed by a reminder of what He is capable of.
66:5 Perhaps, his Lord will, if he divorces you, give him in exchange wives better than you, submissive, believing, obedient, penitent, devout, fasting, either previously married or virgins.
66:6 O believers, guard yourselves and your families against a Fire whose fuel is people and stones; its overseers are harsh, terrible angels who do not disobey what Allah commands, but will do what they are commanded.
66:1 O Prophet, why do you prohibit what Allah has made lawful to you, seeking thereby the good pleasure of your wives? Allah is All-Forgiving, Merciful.
66:2 Allah has prescribed to you the absolution of your oaths. Allah is your Master and He is the All-Knowing, the Wise.
[405] Narrated Aisha:
The Prophet continued for such-and-such period imagining that he has slept (had sexual relations) with his wives, and in fact he did not. One day he said, to me, "O Aisha! Allah has instructed me regarding a matter about which I had asked Him. There came to me two men, one of them sat near my feet and the other near my head. The one near my feet, asked the one near my head (pointing at me), 'What is wrong with this man?'
The latter replied, 'He is under the effect of magic.'
The first one asked, 'Who had worked magic on him?'
The other replied, 'Lubaid bin Asam.'
The first one asked, 'What material (did he use)?'
The other replied, 'The skin of the pollen of a male date tree with a comb and the hair stuck to it, kept under a stone in the well of Dharwan."'
Then the Prophet went to that well and said, "This is the same well which was shown to me in the dream. The tops of its date-palm trees look like the heads of the devils, and its water looks like the Henna infusion."
Then the Prophet ordered that those things be taken out.
I said, "O Allah's Apostle! Won't you disclose (the magic object)?"
The Prophet said, "Allah has cured me and I hate to circulate the evil among the people."
Aisha added, "(The magician) Lubaid bin Asam was a man from Bani Zuraiq, an ally of the Jews."
Bukhari 73.89
[406] Narrated Aisha:
The Prophet in his ailment in which he died, used to say, "O Aisha! I still feel the pain caused by the food I ate at Khaibar, and at this time, I feel as if my aorta is being cut from that poison."
Bukhari 59.713
[407] Antidotes was something Muhammad was familiar with:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah's Apostle said, "If a fly falls in the vessel of any of you, let him dip all of it (into the vessel) and then throw it away, for in one of its wings there is a disease and in the other there is healing (antidote for it) i e. the treatment for that disease."
Bukhari 71.673
Dates, which Muhammad believed made the consumer immune to poisons, were an integral part of his diet and from his perspective, may have negated the need for an antidote until it was too late.
Narrated Saud:
The Prophet said, "If somebody takes some Ajwa dates every morning, he will not be effected by poison or magic on that day till night." (Another narrator said seven dates).
Bukhari 71.663
[408] Narrated Jabir bin Abdullah:
That he paid Al-Muqanna a visit during his illness and said, "I will not leave till he gets cupped, for I heard Allah's Apostle saying, 'There is healing in cupping.'"
Bukhari 71.600
[409] Narrated Khalid bin Sad:
We went out and Ghalib bin Abjar was accompanying us. He fell ill on the way and when we arrived at Medina he was still sick. Ibn Abi Atiq came to visit him and said to us, "Treat him with black cumin. Take five or seven seeds and crush them (mix the powder with oil) and drop the resulting mixture into both nostrils, for Aisha has narrated to me that she heard the Prophet saying, "This black cumin is healing for all diseases except As-Sam."
Aisha said, "What is As-Sam?"
He said, 'Death.'"
Bukhari 71.591
[410] Narrated Anas:
That he was asked about the wages of the one who cups others. He said, “Allah's Apostle was cupped by Abd Taiba, to whom he gave two Sa of food and interceded for him with his masters who consequently reduced what they used to charge him daily.
Then the Prophet said, ‘The best medicines you may treat yourselves with are cupping and sea incense.'”
He added, "You should not torture your children by treating tonsillitis by pressing the tonsils or the palate with the finger, but use incense."
Bukhari 71.599
An attempt was made to create an alternative system of medical science, 'prophetic medicine' (tibb mabawi). This represented a reaction against the tradition which came from Galen. Its system was built upon what the Hadith recorded of the practices of the Prophet and his companions in regards to health and sickness. It was not created by medical men, however, but by lawyers and traditionalists who held the strict view that the Qur'an and Hadith contained all that was necessary for the conduct of human life.
It was the view of a minority, even among religious scholars, and a critical opinion was expressed, with his robust good sense, by Ibn Khaldun. This kind of medicine, he asserted, could occasionally and accidently be correct, but it was based on no rational principle.
A History of the Arab People, Albert Hourani, Harvard University Press 1991, p. 203
[412] Narrated Abu Sa'id al-Khudri:
I heard that the people asked the Prophet of Allah (peace be upon him): Water is brought for you from the well of Buda'ah. It is a well in which dead dogs, menstrual clothes and excrement of people are thrown.
The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) replied: Verily water is pure and is not defiled by anything.
Abu Dawud 1.0067
Narrated Abu Sa'id al-Khudri:
The people asked the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him): Can we perform ablution out of the well of Buda'ah, which is a well into which menstrual clothes, dead dogs and stinking things were thrown?
He replied: Water is pure and is not defiled by anything.
Sahih Muslim 1.0066
[413] Narrated Anas bin Malik:
Allah's Apostle (p.b.u.h) fell down from a horse and his right side was either injured or scratched, so we went to inquire about his health.
The time for the prayer became due and he offered the prayer while sitting and we prayed while standing.
He said, "The Imam is to be followed; so if he says Takbir, you should also say Takbir, and if he bows you should also bow; and when he lifts his head you should also do the same and if he says: Sami'a-l-lahu Liman Hamidah (Allah hears whoever sends his praises to Him) you should say: Rabbana walakal-Hamd (O our Lord! All the praises are for You.").
Bukhari 20.215
Narrated Ibn Abbas:
Once the Prophet ascended the pulpit and it was the last gathering in which he took part. He was covering his shoulder with a big cloak and binding his head with an oily bandage. He glorified and praised Allah and said, "O people! Come to me."
So the people came and gathered around him and he then said, "Amma ba'du."
"From now onward the Ansar (i.e. Helpers, mainly Medinan Muslims) Muhammad will decrease and other people will increase. So anybody who becomes a ruler of the followers of Muhammad and has the power to harm or benefit people then he should accept the good from the benevolent amongst them (Ansar) and overlook the faults of their wrong-doers."
Bukhari 13.49
[414] Narrated Aisha and Ibn Abbas:
On his death-bed Allah's Apostle put a sheet over his face and when he felt hot, he would remove it from his face. When in that state (of putting and removing the sheet) he said, "May Allah's Curse be on the Jews and the Christians for they build places of worship at the graves of their prophets." (By that) he intended to warn (the Muslims) from what they (i.e. Jews and Christians) had done.
Bukhari 56.660
[415] Narrated Aisha:
I heard the Prophet and listened to him before his death while he was lying supported on his back, and he was saying, "O Allah! Forgive me, and bestow Your Mercy on me, and let me meet the (highest) companions (of the Hereafter)."
Bukhari 59.715
[416] Narrated Aisha:
Whenever Allah's Apostle became ill, he used to recite the Muawidhatan and blow his breath over himself (after their recitation) and rubbed his hands over his body. So when he was afflicted with his fatal illness. I started reciting the Muawidhatan and blowing my breath over him as he used to blow and made the hand of the Prophet pass over his body.
Bukhari 59.723
The Muawidhatan refers to the last two short chapters of the Koran, 5 and 6 revelations respectively. Surah 113 as a choice for a last appeal to a higher power before the darkness closes in is revealing in that it contains an admission that Allah is the source of at least some evil, witches in this instance, from which Muhammad seeks His protection.
THE DAYBREAK 113
Al-Falaq
In the Name of Allah,
the Compassionate, the Merciful
1. Say: “I seek refuge with the Lord of the Daybreak,
2. “From the evil of what He has created,
3. “And the evil of the darkness when it gathers,
4. “And the evil of those who blow into knotted reeds (witches or sorceresses),
5. “And from the evil of the envious when he envies.”