Boreal
Remembering Uzza
If Islam Was Explained to Me in a Pub
Tomorrow Today
Uzza:
Speaking of visits, it is Friday already. I have to go.
Bob: No it isn’t.
Gerry: Uzza, I’ve thought about it and maybe we should…
Uzza: Just kiss and say goodbye. I am okay with that. Really.
Bob: Uzza, I don’t think…
Gerry: [looking at Uzza] That is exactly what I was going to say [they kiss].
Gerry: Abdulla, or whatever his name is, is one lucky guy.
Uzza: Ahmed. His name his Ahmed, which is short for Muhammad, and he may not be so lucky.
Gerry: Uzza, are you having second thoughts?
Uzza: No, but Ahmed may, after I insist he holds me in his arms and kisses me before our wedding day and when we are alone.
Bob: Why, because you want to find out if he’s a better kisser than Gerry? You know, kissing and being good in bed don’t necessarily go together.
Uzza: We are so beyond those concerns.
Archie: But, only a few minutes ago…
Uzza: It was more than a few minutes ago. More than a few minutes ago I wanted to make love in the absolute worst place if you have never made love before, and with the wrong man. Sorry, Gerry.
Gerry: Don’t be.
Uzza: If things are going to change − and you sort of convinced me of that, Archie, and you, Gerry − women cannot do it alone; in fact, without the men in our lives, we cannot do it at all. We have to find a way to engage with them as equals and in a meaningful way. Get them to acknowledge, if they love us, that there is something wrong with a religion whose founder would have the god for whom he claimed to speak burn us in Hell for an eternity after we have given them all the sex and children they wanted and raised them to believe in the Koran.
Gerry: That last one is no small favour.
Uzza: Tell that to them, Allah and Muhammad I mean.
Archie: Perhaps, Uzza, a first step would be to acknowledge that “them” are one of the same.
Bob: I would have said STOP GETTING THE KIDS HOOKED ON THE DAMNED BOOK!
Uzza: [earnestly] I have to find out if Ahmed is open-minded about Islam.
Gerry: And you are going to do that by getting him to kiss you before getting married?
Uzza: If we even touch for no good reason before we are wife and man, even with a close relative present, we commit the sin of Khalwat, the sin of close proximity.
Archie: Forgive me again Uzza, but that is another one of the stupidest things I have ever heard.
Uzza: I may not disagree. By kissing me under the conditions I have set, Ahmed will demonstrate that he is not a steadfast believer, that he is a reasonable man … or not.
Archie: Any man would agree to kiss you with the promise of what comes after, especially knowing that Allah will forgive him and blame you for having gotten him to sin, which you will have, a good-looking girl like you.
Uzza: Why, thank you. That is why Ahmed must also agree that I do not have to sign that whore’s contract. I will be his whore if that is what it takes, but I will be damned if I agree to it in writing.
Bob: Actually, you will damned if you don’t!
Uzza: You are so cute. Now I really have to go.
Bob: Please, not before you tell us why for you it’s Thursday?
Uzza: The sun has gone down. It is a new day.
Archie: Are you telling us that in Islam, the next day starts when the sun goes down?
Uzza: Yes.
Archie: That means, for everyone to the north and south us, one day ends and the next day starts at different times. That, too, is ridiculous.
Gerry: And, if you go far enough north or far enough south where the sun doesn’t set or doesn’t rise depending on the time of year, an Islamic day can be less than 1 hour or more than 4,000.
Bob: What was Allah thinking, making the length of a day dependent on when the sun sets?
Uzza: Do not blame Allah, blame the Jews. In imposing the god of the Jews on the Arabs, Muhammad adopted many of their eccentricities, such as their dietary rules. The same goes for how each defines a day and even the name given to that measure of time.
Bob: They both have the same name for the days of the week?
Uzza: Except for Friday, which is Gathering Day for Muslims and Saturday, which is Shabbat for the Jews.
Bob: What are the other days called?
Uzza: The first day of the week, Sunday in the West, for Jews and Muslims is the First Day, then the Second Day and so on and so forth.
Gerry: Simplistic in the extreme.
Archie: Not unlike Islamic art with its geometric figures repeated over and over so as to amaze while confining the viewer’s imagination to the straight and narrow.
Gerry: Now you talk like an art critic.
Archie: What can I say? Uzza brings out the intellectual in me, deal with it.
Uzza: But the straight and narrow is the Path that Allah has traced for the believers. He says so in His Koran[418].
Archie: What about the names of the months, which, unlike the names for the days of the week, for example Ramadan, evoke visions of, I don’t know, dread mostly?
Uzza: What goes on during Ramadan may be cause for concern, but the names of the months of the Islamic calendar exhibit the same lack of imagination in naming or in not giving evocative names to six of the seven days of the week, although it is not obvious to those unfamiliar with Arabic. Do you know what Ramadan means in Arabic?
Archie: No.
Uzza: It means The Month of Great Heat. Like many of the months in the Islamic calendar, the name reflects the climatic conditions of that area of the world that Muhammad called home, the Arabian desert; just like Muhammad’s description of the vegetation of Paradise is very much a description of the vegetation you will find on a desert oasis.
Bob: So, when people in the great white North celebrate Ramadan in the middle of winter, it should be called the Month of the Great Cold.
Uzza: And therein lies the problem of naming months after climatic conditions where you live[419] because you cannot imagine a place that is different from yours.
Bob: Are you saying that Allah is not responsible for the names of the months of the Islamic calendar? That would make sense; from His perch in Paradise, He had to have a broader appreciation of weather patterns below.
Uzza: Allah is responsible for everything, even when He allows us to do as we please. Allah only set the number of months and the calendar type. And, from what Muhammad tells us about what creates the summer heat and the winter cold — information he could only have gotten from Allah’s intermediary Gabriel, or God himself that it is Hell breathing in and breathing out once a year[420], the view from both perspectives is eerily familiar.
Archie: Both were obviously oblivious to what goes on in the Southern Hemisphere where the seasons are reversed, Muhammad having never left the Middle East, along with the voice in his head.
Gerry: Can we get back to Allah’s choice of calendar for a minute?
Uzza: Allah’s calendar is based on a lunar cycle of twelve months of 29 and 30 days, making the Islamic year 354 or 355 days long. Islam is a product of the Dark Ages when most of the science of the Greeks and Romans was temporarily lost, which may explain the choice of calendars.
Gerry: Lost to humanity perhaps, but surely not to God?
Uzza: Why Allah chose the primitive, inaccurate lunar calendar over the more accurate scientific solar calendar, such as the Julian calendar introduced by Julius Caesar in 45 BC, remains a mystery.
Bob: The Romans invented the solar calendar?
Uzza: The first solar calendar was probably developed by the Egyptians who, as a settled agrarian civilization, needed an accurate way of determining the end of one season and the beginning of another. Being able to accurately determine the best time to plant your crops would not have been an issue for the desert dwellers of the arid Arabian Peninsula, whose main occupation was trade and the raising of livestock, mainly sheep, goats and camels.
Gerry: What about the rest of the world who would be forced to adopt the lunar calendar as Islam spread across the globe? What are Muslims who live above the Arctic Circle to do when the fast of Ramadan coincides with a period when the sun does not set?
Uzza: Allah is unequivocal about fasting during the month of Ramadan, granting only an exception for the believers who are too ill[421] or those fighting in His Cause during the holiest month in His calendar. Muhammad may not have been aware of the sun not setting above the Arctic Circle and below the Antarctic Circle during their respective summers and had nothing to say on the matter, leaving Islamic scholars to sort it out for themselves.
Bob: But God had to know?
Uzza: Yes, yes, Allah had to know, but He may have left it to scholars and imams to make other arrangements where necessary while not contravening His decree[422].
Bob: And have they?
Uzza: Some scholars have suggested fasting according to the sunrise and sunset times of the holy city of Mecca instead of local time. Still others have suggested that those who live where the sun is visible or absent for several months should look to the nearest city where the sun rises and sets during a twenty-four hour period.
Gerry: That last suggestion, in Canada, would still make for more than twenty-three hours without food, and perhaps no time for sex, if the closest city is Inuvik, Yellowknife or Whitehorse. All this confusion could have been avoided if Allah had not chosen such an inaccurate way of measuring the macro passage of time, and saddling humanity with it till the end-of-times. Why did He do it?
Archie: Because it wasn't Him, even if He actually existed. The one who did it did not know any better, that’s why!
Uzza: As a merchant who led caravans as far north as modern-day Syria, Muhammad would have travelled these long distances mainly at night because of the desert heat. On these night journeys the moon was more of a friend than the blistering desert sun, and therefore a natural candidate for measuring the passage of time.
Gerry: Then you agree with Archie; the Prophet chose the calendar?
Uzza: For the believers, there is only one reason why Muhammad adopted the lunar calendar and that is because Allah told him so[423]. And if Allah chose it, then the traverse of the moon must be a better way of measuring the passage of the days, the months and the years than the sun, as was done when the Moon was a god worshipped by most of the inhabitants of the Peninsula.
Gerry: I remember, from my reading of the Koran, that Allah said he made the moon a light[424]. Is it possible He was not aware that the moon simply reflects the sun’s light and therefore gave it more importance then it deserved, including choosing it to measure the passage of time?
Uzza: I will leave that one for the scholars as well.
Archie: I’m sorry, but I’m stumped.
Uzza: [can’t resist a smile] Allah’s variation of the lunar calendar also needlessly complicated things by moving through the seasons.
Gerry: Why do you say needlessly?
Uzza: Allah modeled His lunar calendar on that of the pre-Islamic Arabs. If he had left well-enough alone, it would have been better. The pre-Islamic Arabs valued common sense and so did the gods they worshipped. It was the custom of some of the tribes that shared the Peninsula, before the Muslim conquest, to add a thirteenth month when it became obvious that the lunar calendar had lost all connection with the seasons and needed to be re-synchronized with the solar year. This, Allah claimed, was an attempt by the unbelievers to interfere with his sacred months and He forbade it, declaring it an evil thing to do[425].
Gerry: It will be difficult to get used to a lunar calendar.
Uzza: You will use the lunar calendar mostly for your religious observances, for even the most Islamic of governments have come to accept that Allah may have, what do you say, missed the boat on this one, and use a modern-day solar calendar to conduct the business of government and day-to-day operations. What may be more difficult to get used to is how Islam dates history. How it separates its history into two periods, before and after Muhammad, or more specifically before and after his flight from Mecca to Medina with his followers in 622. The year of this exodus is known as the Hijra or Hegira. The Hegira begins the Muslim calendar and is represented as 1 AH or 1 al-Hijra.
Bob: Just like we do, before and after JC.
Uzza: Your BC and AD as era markers will soon be remembered, if remembered at all, along with your so-called Judeo-Christian heritage, as relics of the age of ignorance.
Bob: We are the ignorant ones? I don't think so.
Uzza: The period before Islam is generally referred to by believers as Jahiliya, the time of ignorance, when world views as numerous and as varied as the colours of the rainbow flourished.
Archie: And that is being ignorant?
Uzza: From Allah’s perspective, yes! This is why He sent Prophet Muhammad and this multi-coloured view of the universe changed to black and white, and humankind’s relationship with its Creator was demoted to that of mere supplicants of a vain and vengeful God.
Archie: Then Allah is the ignorant one.
Uzza: Your opinion is irrelevant, as is mine, as are the opinions of all those who would hold contrary opinions. Our differing opinions, which we now express at our risk and peril, mattered once, but not anymore and you know why.
Bob: What did you mean when you said that “what goes on during Ramadan may be cause for concern?”
Uzza: When people think of Ramadan, they think of people fasting during the day and feasting at night.
Bob: And we should be concerned about people fasting?
Uzza: Of course not. Fasting, if done in moderation, is good for both body and soul; but Ramadan is much more than fasting. It is about using the time spent avoiding food and drink to immerse yourself in the Koran. It is more about the Koran than anything else.
Archie: That can’t be good!
Bob: Whenever Ramadan rolls around, you hear people saying that this is when Allah revealed the Koran to Muhammad. Is that true?
Uzza: In one revelation, Allah said He did just that, the famous and elusive Night of Power revelation[426], and Gabriel is said to have spent every night of Ramadan with Muhammad going over the Koran[427]. That being said, the book itself is all over the place as to when it was sent down. There is the aforementioned Night of Power; in another series of revelations, it was sent down piecemeal[428]; and still in another series, Allah admits that the people asked it to be sent all at once like He did for Moses[429].
Archie: Book, know thyself.
Uzza: With his followers more convinced than ever of the need to rid the world of unbelievers after a period of intense immersion in the Koran, Muhammad would use the feast Eid al-Fitr, which marks the end of Ramadan, as he did the feast that marks the end of the Hajj ̶ the two most important religious holidays in Islam ̶ to give his army its marching orders[430].
Archie: What a surprise. If the topic is the Koran, violence is sure to follow.
Uzza: Not always.
Gerry: I will never look at Ramadan the same way, or at a Muslim the same way.
Uzza: I will take that as a compliment, but now, I really must go.
Gerry: Will I see you again; next Thursday maybe?
Uzza: Inshallah or Ahmed not willing [a quick kiss goodbye], but for dinner, okay.
Gerry: I understand and thank you.
Archie: Will that be Thursday, the day before, or Thursday, the day after?
Uzza: You make me angry, but you also make me laugh, Mr. Bartender, so you cannot be all bad.
Archie: I like you, too.
Uzza: [places a hand on Bob’s shoulder as she gets ready to leave] It means God willing, Bob.
Bob: I knew that.
Footnotes
24:46 We have sent down (in this Qur’an) signs making everything clear, and Allah guides whomever He pleases to a straight path.
[419] Allah and His Messenger's adoption of a primitive calendar based on local weather conditions where each month begins eleven days (365 - 354) earlier every year (not counting leap years) makes for some interesting juxtapositions. Somewhere in the world, people are freezing during The Month of Great Heat or seeking shelter from torrential rains during The First Dry Month and perhaps The Second Dry Month. Months of the Islamic Calendar:
1 The Sacred Month 2 The Month of Travelling 3 The First Spring 4 The Second Spring 5 The First Dry Month 6 The Second Dry Month 7 The Month of Respect 8 The Dividing Month 9 The Month of Great Heat 10 The Month of Hunting 11 The Month of Rest 12 The Month of Pilgrimage
[420] Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah's Apostle said: “The Hellfire complained to its Lord, saying, ‘O my Lord, my different part eat each other up.’ So Allah allowed it to take two breaths – one in the winter and the other in the summer. This is [the cause] of the severe heat and bitter cold you experience.’”
Bukhari 54.482
2:185 The month of Ramadan is the month in which the Qur’an was revealed, providing guidance for mankind, with clear verses to guide and to distinguish right from wrong. He who witnesses that month should fast it. But if anyone is sick or on a journey, [he ought to fast] a number of other days. Allah desires ease and does not desire hardship for you, that you may complete the total number (of fasting days); glorify Allah for His Guidance, and that you may be thankful.
2:187 It has been made lawful to you on the night of fasting to approach your wives; they are a raiment for you, and you are a raiment for them. Allah knows that you used to betray yourselves, but He accepted your repentance and pardoned you. So now get to them (the wives) and seek what Allah has ordained for you. Eat and drink until you can discern the white thread from the black thread of dawn. Then complete the fast till nightfall. But do not approach them (the wives) while you are in devotion at the mosque. Those are the bounds of Allah; do not approach them. Thus Allah makes clear his revelations to mankind, that they may fear Him.
The revelation about discerning "the white thread from the black thread of dawn" was received in stages and appears to have been a last-minute remedy for a problem Allah may not have foreseen when He first informed Muhammad about fasting during the Month of Great Heat.
Narrated Al-Bara:
It was the custom among the companions of Muhammad that if any of them was fasting and the food was presented (for breaking his fast), but he slept before eating, he would not eat that night and the following day till sunset.
Qais bin Sirma-al-Ansari was fasting and came to his wife at the time of Iftar (breaking one's fast) and asked her whether she had anything to eat.
She replied, "No, but I would go and bring some for you."
He used to do hard work during the day, so he was overwhelmed by sleep and slept.
When his wife came and saw him, she said, "Disappointment for you."
When it was midday on the following day, he fainted and the Prophet was informed about the whole matter and the following verses were revealed: "You are permitted To go to your wives (for sexual relation) at the night of fasting." So, they were overjoyed by it. And then Allah also revealed: "And eat and drink until the white thread of dawn appears to you distinct from the black thread (of the night)." (2.187)
Bukhari 31.139
2:189 They ask you about the crescents (the new moons), say: “They are times fixed for mankind and for the pilgrimage.” It is not righteousness to enter houses from the back; but the righteous is he who fears Allah. Enter then the houses by their front doors; and fear Allah that you may prosper.
It is not unusual for Allah to address disparate subjects in the same verse such as in Revelation 2:189 where God instructed Muhammad on what to say when asked about the the crescents of the moon and ending with a warning about entering houses via the back door.
10:5 It is He Who made the sun a bright radiance and the moon a light, and determined phases for it so that you may know the number of years and the reckoning. Allah did not create that except in truth, expounding the Signs to a people who know.
9:36 The number of months, with Allah, is twelve months by Allah’s Ordinance from the day He created the heavens and the earth. Four of these are Sacred. This is the right religion, so do not wrong yourselves during them; but fight the polytheists all together just as they fight you all together; and know that Allah is on the side of the righteous.
9:37 Postponing the [Sacred Month] is an added disbelief by which the unbelievers seek to mislead, allowing it one year and prohibiting it another year, so as to equal the number [of months] Allah has made sacred. Their evil deeds are made attractive to them; and Allah does not guide the unbelieving people.
97:1 We have sent it (the Qur’an) down on the night of Power.
97:2 If only you knew what is the Night of Power.
97:3 The Night of Power is better than a thousand months.
97:4 The angels and the Spirit (Gabriel) descend thereon by the Leave of their Lord with every Command.
97:5 It is peace, till the break of dawn.
Narrated Ibn Umar:
Some men amongst the companions of the Prophet were shown in their dreams that the night of Qadr (Night of Power) was in the last seven nights of Ramadan.
Allah's Apostle said, "It seems that all your dreams agree that (the Night of Qadr) is in the last seven nights, and whoever wants to search for it (i.e. the Night of Qadr) should search in the last seven (nights of Ramadan)."
Bukhari 32.232
[427] During the month of Ramadan, the angel Gabriel visited the Prophet every day; visits during which their roles seemed to be reversed.
Narrated Ibn Abbas:
The Prophet was the most generous amongst the people, and he used to be more so in the month of Ramadan when Gabriel visited him, and Gabriel used to meet him on every night of Ramadan till the end of the month. The Prophet used to recite the Holy Qur'an to Gabriel, and when Gabriel met him, he used to be more generous than a fast wind (which causes rain and welfare).
Bukhari 31.126
17:105 We have revealed it in truth, and in truth it came down; and We have sent you (Muhammad) only as a bearer of good news and a warner.
17:106 It is a Qur’an which we have divided into parts that you may recite it with deliberation, and We revealed it piecemeal.
25:32 The unbelievers say: “If only this Qur’an had been sent down on him all at once.” That is how We wanted to strengthen your heart with it and We have revealed it in stages.
[430] Narrated Abu Sa'id Al-Khudri:
The Prophet used to proceed to the Musalla (open space outside a mosque that is mainly used for praying, Encyclopedia of Islam) on the days of Id-ul-fitr and Id-ul-Adha; the first thing to begin with was the prayer and after that he would stand in front of the people and the people would keep sitting in their rows. Then he would preach to them, advise them and give them orders, (i.e. Khutba). And after that if he wished to send an army for an expedition, he would do so.
Bukhari 15.76