Remembering Uzza

If Islam Was Explained to Me in a Pub

Hell is for Mothers

UzzaGerry: Didn’t the Prophet say that the vast majority of those whom Allah will sentence to burn in Hell will be women? And, from what I remember, it was not because of what we have been talking about.

Uzza: No, it will be because of our ungratefulness[255], with a small minority of women, and possibility their children, being forced to join the sinning husband Allah infrequently condemns to burn in Hell[256].

Bob: Ungrateful to whom?

Uzza: Our husbands.

Archie: That is sick, sick, sick, sick! That means Allah’s favourite firewood for his Hell is mothers.

Uzza: What do you mean?

Archie: Think about it for a minute. Islam expects girls to be married off at a very young age, and once married, avoid contraceptives so that Allah can get busy creating little believers by the ton.

Uzza: Allah does not want girls to burn in Hell. That is why, when they reach puberty, He wants them to get married so that when they get the urge to have sex, they will satisfy that urge as the wife of somebody and not burn in Hell for having sex outside the sanctity of marriage. Scholars like the Ayatollah Khomeini have confirmed Allah’s intent by encouraging fathers to marry off their daughters before they start menstruating[257].

Archie: Without the child’s consent, obviously.

Uzza: Not really.

Archie: How does a nine-year-old girl, assuming that the Prophet had sex with Aisha after she had experienced her first period, know enough about what marriage is all about, especially early on, to give her consent to any man, especially one who is old enough to be her father, if not her grandfather?

Uzza: Muhammad said her silence is her consent[258].

Archie: Just another way the Prophet made it easy for old men to have their way with children[259].

Uzza: A child who has started menstruating is no longer a child.

Gerry: Uzza, that means in Islam, a child’s transition from being too young to being old enough to be taken advantage of is measured in days, weeks at the most.

Uzza: When you put it that way.

Bob: How do such agreeable, if clueless kids, become ungrateful enough to deserve to end up on Allah’s barbecue?

Uzza: The unforgiveable ungratefulness comes later, when the child-bride grows into a woman who no longer automatically acquiesces to everything her husband demands of her, in spite of all the good things he, according to Allah, has given her out of the goodness of his heart. That is why it is mostly females of all ages who will keep Hell’s Fire burning[260].

Archie: And, like I said before, most of them will be mothers.

Bob: It is a good thing everyone who enters Paradise will be thirty-something. If not, you would have a lot of motherless children in Paradise crawling, laying around crying, pleading for their mothers.

Gerry: Even worse. On Judgment Day, Hell will be positioned just below Paradise[261]. The believers will just have to look down to feast their eyes on their tormented former friends[262] and relatives whom Allah has condemned to burn for an eternity[263].

Bob: That means, these instant men will not be able to avoid seeing their mothers roasting in Hell while fornicating with one of Allah’s robots, with most of the real women sent to Hell by the manufacturer.

Gerry: Not only that, Paradise and Hell will also be within shouting distance of each other[264]. The moans of their houris may not be able to drown out the terrible screams of their mothers on fire below.

Uzza: I think I am going to be sick.

Archie: Do you want me to call your mother?

Uzza: That is so cruel!

Archie: Sometimes you have to… Ah, forget it! I’m sorry, Uzza. But, if you’re going to end up in Hell anyway, why do you and women like you, and I suspect most educated women who have been tasked by an ungrateful asscapade into raising arrogant sons and submissive daughters, put up, as Gerry said, with all the nonsense?

Uzza: You do not understand what you are asking of women and girls raised not only on a fear of what Allah will do to them when He gets His hands on them, but what men will do to them here.

Gerry: Maybe we should get back to Safiyyah and what happened next.

Uzza: I am sorry, but I cannot stop thinking about what was just said.

Archie: You’re a woman, Uzza. You can think and talk at the same time, and do all those other things, like raising a family. It is because you’re smart, beautiful, and can do whatever you want to when you put your mind to it that you scare the crap out of the insecure men around you who, like this Prophet Muhammad and his ludicrous claim that God, any god, would take pleasure in burning mothers, for whatever reason, will stop at nothing to prevent you from becoming the best you can be. Fuck me; I’m starting to sound like a bloody commercial.

Uzza: [can’t help but smile]. Asscapade? Is that even a word?

Archie: Would you prefer…?

Uzza: No. No, I would not.


[255]          Narrated Abdullah bin Abbas:

The people say, "O Allah's Apostle! We saw you taking something from your place and then we saw you retreating."

The Prophet replied, "I saw Paradise and stretched my hands towards a bunch (of its fruits) and had I taken it, you would have eaten from it as long as the world remains. I also saw the Hell-fire and I had never seen such a horrible sight. I saw that most of the inhabitants were women."

The people asked, "O Allah's Apostle! Why is it so?"

The Prophet replied, "Because of their ungratefulness."

Bukhari 18.161


37:22 Gather together those who were wrongdoers, their spouses and what they used to worship;

37:23 Apart from Allah, and lead them to the path of Hell.


It is better in the eyes of God if a girl started menstruating in the home of her husband instead of that of her father and that any father marrying his daughter so young will have a permanent place in heaven.

Ayatollah Khomeini

[258]          Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet said, "A matron should not be given in marriage except after consulting her; and a virgin should not be given in marriage except after her permission."

The people asked, "O Allah's Apostle! How can we know her permission?"

He said, "Her silence (indicates her permission)."

Bukhari 62.67

[259] Aisha knew from experience that this was a specious justification for having your way with a child and said so to her husband who simply repeated his claim about silence being the equivalent of consent.

Narrated Aisha:

I said, "O Allah's Apostle! A virgin feels shy."

He said, "Her consent is (expressed by) her silence."

Bukhari 62.68

[260]          Narrated Ibn 'Abbas:

The Prophet said: "I was shown the Hell-fire and that the majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful."

It was asked, "Do they disbelieve in Allah?" (or are they ungrateful to Allah?)

He replied, "They are ungrateful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors and the good (charitable deeds) done to them…

Bukhari 2.28

[261] Hell will be dragged into its final position on Judgment Day by an army of angels.

The Prophet said: “Hell will be brought forth that Day by means of seventy thousand ropes, each of which will be held by seventy thousand angels.”

Sahih Muslim 40.6810

[262] Milling around Paradise, one denizen will approach another and ask if he is looking down.

37:50 Then, they will advance one towards the other asking each other.

37:51 One of them will say: “I had a comrade;

37:52 “Who used to say: ‘Are you then one of the confirmed believers?’

37:53 “Will we, once we are dead and have become dust and bones, be really judged?”

37:54 He said (to his companion): “Are you looking down?” 37:55 He looked and saw him in the centre of Hell.

37:56 He said: “By Allah, you almost caused my perdition.

37:57 “But for my Lord’s Grace, I would have been one of those brought forward.”

[263] Eternity may not be forever:

11:106 As for the wretched, they shall be in the Fire; they shall have therein groaning and moaning;

11:107 Abiding therein forever, so long as the heavens and earth shall endure, except as your Lord pleases. Your Lord does indeed what He wants.

[264] The people of Paradise and the people of Hell will be within shouting distance of each other.

7:43 And We shall remove all rancour from their hearts; and under them rivers will flow. They will say: “Praise be to Allah Who guided us to this; we would never have been guided, had not Allah guided us. The Messengers of our Lord came with the truth.” Then a voice will cry out to them: “This is indeed the Paradise which you have been made to inherit for what [good] you used to do.”

7:44 And the people of Paradise will call out to the people of the Fire: “We have found what our Lord promised us to be true; so have you found what your Lord promised to be true?” They will say: “Yes.” Thereupon a caller from their midst shall call out: “May Allah’s curse be upon the wrongdoers;

7:45 “Who bar [others] from Allah’s Way and desire it to be crooked; and they disbelieve in the Hereafter.”