If Islam Was Explained to Me in a Pub
Hell is for Mothers
Uzza: And of all the unhappy marriages, a virgin who marries an impotent man is the most to be pitied, doomed to a life without ever experiencing what it is like to feel a man you welcome inside you for the first time.
Bob: If she had a dowry, couldn’t she just ransom herself and marry another man?
Uzza: No, because of another of these weird rulings by a man obviously torn between desire and contempt for our sex who insinuated himself into every nook and cranny of our being, thinking that is all we are about.
Bob: But you must admit, your nooks and crannies are what make you special.
Uzza: What about our humps?
Bob: Those too.
Uzza: [dismissively] Whatever! My mind is what makes me special; what makes everyone special. The rest is window dressing. Women should not be punished because our minds are attractively packaged and some men cannot handle it. Or, like Muhammad, are unable to get over the window dressing and blame it, us, for causing unwanted erections − whether they be evident or not, or lead to anything − to not being able to cause one at a time and a place he and Allah deem appropriate.
Archie: Are you saying that Allah blames the wife if her husband can’t get it up?
Uzza: Women should be wary of any man who would make their lives miserable and say that it is God’s Will. It is, in fact, thinly disguised contempt. There is nothing in the Koran about punishing a woman who has never had sex from ever having sex again because the man she married cannot get an erection. That is Muhammad’s doing. He said that a virgin who divorces a man because he cannot consume the marriage cannot marry again unless she is no longer a virgin.
Gerry: That’s a bit of a catch-22.
Uzza: A catch-22? What is that?
Gerry: A situation from which an individual cannot escape because of an absurd ruling based on contradictory rules, such as this one. One rule says that a wife in an unhappy relationship can pay her husband to get out of it. However, a virgin, even is she obtains a divorce from an impotent man, will not be able to lose her virginity without risking getting stoned to death for breaking the rule about having sex outside marriage. That is absurd, a catch-22, a term coined by Joseph Heller.
Uzza: And they say the Greeks have a word for it.
Archie: A word for nasty beyond belief?
Bob: Not nice then, but today it may not be too bad. I had a girlfriend who swore off sex with men after discovering sex toys. She bragged about having a different man every night of the week who never disappoints.
Uzza: The type of sex toys I think you are referring to are out of the question, such as dildos and latex penises that come in all sizes and shapes and that simulate the real thing.
Bob: So you know about those?
Uzza: It is not what you think, and even if it was, what difference does it make?
Archie: To that virgin of yours, a hell of a lot.
Uzza: Well, SHE CANNOT HAVE THEM!
Bob: WHY THE HELL NOT?
Uzza: The young sex slave of an old man who could not get it up asked him to put his fingers in her vagina and stimulate her that way. He went to see his imam, who was not any imam but Ali ar-Reza, a descendent of Muhammad, to ask him if that was okay.
Archie: Let me get this straight. An old guy has a young girl who is willing to have him touch her that way ̶ bless her ̶ and he has to go to ask his imam if it’s okay. Is there any part of a Muslim’s existence in which your religion will not stick its fingers, eh, I mean nose?
Uzza: No, I do not think so. A golden rule of Islam based on, you guessed it, a saying of Muhammad, is, if you do not know if something is illegal, do not do it until you have consulted a religious authority of some kind. With more than six thousand revealed truths and twice as many sayings of Muhammad to inform a believer's every waking moment, if you are a believer, it is actually not bad advice.
Bob: So, what did the imam say?
Uzza: He said it was okay, as long as whatever he put in there was part of his body, and that ruling has remained a mainstay of all four mainstream schools of Islamic law.
Gerry: Again, why do women put up with this nonsense?
Uzza: Because Islam would collapse if we didn’t, and we would all burn in Hell for an eternity.
Gerry: Didn’t the Prophet say that the vast majority of those whom Allah will sentence to burn in Hell will be women? And, from what I remember, it was not because of what we have been talking about.
Uzza: No, it will be because of our ungratefulness, with a small minority of women, and possibility their children, being forced to join the sinning husband Allah infrequently condemns to burn in Hell.
Bob: Ungrateful to whom?
Uzza: Our husbands.
Archie: That is sick, sick, sick, sick! That means Allah’s favourite firewood for his Hell is mothers.
Uzza: What do you mean?
Archie: Think about it for a minute. Islam expects girls to be married off at a very young age, and once married, avoid contraceptives so that Allah can get busy creating little believers by the ton.
Uzza: Allah does not want girls to burn in Hell. That is why, when they reach puberty, He wants them to get married so that when they get the urge to have sex, they will satisfy that urge as the wife of somebody and not burn in Hell for having sex outside the sanctity of marriage. Scholars like the Ayatollah Khomeini have confirmed Allah’s intent by encouraging fathers to marry off their daughters before they start menstruating.
Archie: Without the child’s consent, obviously.
Uzza: Not really.
Archie: How does a nine-year-old girl, assuming that the Prophet had sex with Aisha after she had experienced her first period, know enough about what marriage is all about, especially early on, to give her consent to any man, especially one who is old enough to be her father, if not her grandfather?
Uzza: Muhammad said her silence is her consent.
Archie: Just another way the Prophet made it easy for old men to have their way with children.
Uzza: A child who has started menstruating is no longer a child.
Gerry: Uzza, that means in Islam, a child’s transition from being too young to being old enough to be taken advantage of is measured in days, weeks at the most.
Uzza: When you put it that way.
Bob: How do such agreeable, if clueless kids, become ungrateful enough to deserve to end up on Allah’s barbecue?
Uzza: The unforgiveable ungratefulness comes later, when the child-bride grows into a woman who no longer automatically acquiesces to everything her husband demands of her, in spite of all the good things he, according to Allah, has given her out of the goodness of his heart. That is why it is mostly females of all ages who will keep Hell’s Fire burning.
Archie: And, like I said before, most of them will be mothers.
Bob: It is a good thing everyone who enters Paradise will be thirty-something. If not, you would have a lot of motherless children in Paradise crawling, laying around crying, pleading for their mothers.
Gerry: Even worse. On Judgment Day, Hell will be positioned just below Paradise. The believers will just have to look down to feast their eyes on their tormented former friends and relatives whom Allah has condemned to burn for an eternity.
Bob: That means, these instant men will not be able to avoid seeing their mothers roasting in Hell while fornicating with one of Allah’s robots, with most of the real women sent to Hell by the manufacturer.
Gerry: Not only that, Paradise and Hell will also be within shouting distance of each other. The moans of their houris may not be able to drown out the terrible screams of their mothers on fire below.
Uzza: I think I am going to be sick.
Archie: Do you want me to call your mother?
Uzza: That is so cruel!
Archie: Sometimes you have to… Ah, forget it! I’m sorry, Uzza. But, if you’re going to end up in Hell anyway, why do you and women like you, and I suspect most educated women who have been tasked by an ungrateful asscapade into raising arrogant sons and submissive daughters, put up, as Gerry said, with all the nonsense?
Uzza: You do not understand what you are asking of women and girls raised not only on a fear of what Allah will do to them when He gets His hands on them, but what men will do to them here.
Gerry: Maybe we should get back to Safiyyah and what happened next.
Uzza: I am sorry, but I cannot stop thinking about what was just said.
Archie: You’re a woman, Uzza. You can think and talk at the same time, and do all those other things, like raising a family. It is because you’re smart, beautiful, and can do whatever you want to when you put your mind to it that you scare the crap out of the insecure men around you who, like this Prophet Muhammad and his ludicrous claim that God, any god, would take pleasure in burning mothers, for whatever reason, will stop at nothing to prevent you from becoming the best you can be. Fuck me; I’m starting to sound like a bloody commercial.
Uzza: [can’t help but smile]. Asscapade? Is that even a word?
Archie: Would you prefer…?
Uzza: No. No, I would not.
 Narrated Aisha:
The wife of Rifa'a Al-Qurazi came to the Prophet and said, "I was Rifa'a's wife, but he divorced me and it was a final irrevocable divorce. Then I married Abdur Rahman bin Az-Zubair but he is impotent."
The Prophet asked her "Do you want to remarry Rifa'a? You cannot unless you had a complete sexual relation with your present husband."
Yahya related to me from Malik that Rifa'a ibn Simwal divorced his wife, Tamima bint Wahb, in the time of the messenger of Allah three times. She then married 'Abd ar-Rahman ibn az-Zubayr and he turned from her and could not consummate the marriage and so he parted from her. Rifa'a wanted to marry her again and it was mentioned to the Messenger of Allah, and he forbade him to marry her.
He said, 'She is not halal for you until she has tasted the sweetness of intercourse.'
Al-Muwatta 28 7.17b
 "My Humps is a song performed by American recording group The Black Eyed Peas. The song sparked controversy because of its title and lyrics, which center on a woman who uses her breasts and buttocks to accomplish her goals."
 Narrated An-Nu'man bin Bashir:
The Prophet said "Both legal and illegal things are obvious, and in between them are (suspicious) doubtful matters. So who-ever forsakes those doubtful things lest he may commit a sin, will definitely avoid what is clearly illegal; and who-ever indulges in these (suspicious) doubtful things bravely, is likely to commit what is clearly illegal. Sins are Allah's Hima (i.e. private pasture) and whoever pastures (his sheep) near it, is likely to get in it at any moment."
 "As far as the methods of mutual stimulation in foreplay… no foreign object should be used. The restriction on the use of foreign objects is based on the following hadith:"
Ubaydullah bin Zurarah says that he had an old neighbor who owned a young slave-girl. Because of his old age, he could not fully satisfy the young slave-girl during sexual intercourse. She would therefore ask him to place his fingers in her vagina as she liked it.
The old man complied with her wishes even though he did not like this idea. So he requested ‘Ubaydullah to ask Imam ‘Ali ar-Reza (A.S.) about it.
When ‘Ubaydullah asked the Imam (A.S.) about it, the Imam (A.S.) said, “There is no problem as long as he uses any part of his own body upon her, but he should not use anything other than his body on her.”
Sayyid Athar Husayn S.H. Rizvi, Islamic Marriage Handbook
 Narrated Abdullah bin Abbas:
The people say, "O Allah's Apostle! We saw you taking something from your place and then we saw you retreating."
The Prophet replied, "I saw Paradise and stretched my hands towards a bunch (of its fruits) and had I taken it, you would have eaten from it as long as the world remains. I also saw the Hell-fire and I had never seen such a horrible sight. I saw that most of the inhabitants were women."
The people asked, "O Allah's Apostle! Why is it so?"
The Prophet replied, "Because of their ungratefulness."
 "It is better in the eyes of God if a girl started menstruating in the home of her husband instead of that of her father and that any father marrying his daughter so young will have a permanent place in heaven." Ayatollah Khomeini
 Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, "A matron should not be given in marriage except after consulting her; and a virgin should not be given in marriage except after her permission."
The people asked, "O Allah's Apostle! How can we know her permission?"
He said, "Her silence (indicates her permission)."
 Aisha knew from experience that this was a specious justification for having your way with a child and said so to her husband who simply repeated his claim about silence being the equivalent of consent.
I said, "O Allah's Apostle! A virgin feels shy."
He said, "Her consent is (expressed by) her silence."
 Hell will be dragged into its final position on Judgment Day by an army of angels.
The Prophet said: “Hell will be brought forth that Day by means of seventy thousand ropes, each of which will be held by seventy thousand angels.”
Sahih Muslim 40.6810
 Milling around Paradise, one denizen will approach another and ask if he is looking down.
37:50 Then, they will advance one towards the other asking each other.
37:51 One of them will say: “I had a comrade;
37:52 “Who used to say: ‘Are you then one of the confirmed believers?’
37:53 “Will we, once we are dead and have become dust and bones, be really judged?”
37:54 He said (to his companion): “Are you looking down?” 37:55 He looked and saw him in the centre of Hell.
37:56 He said: “By Allah, you almost caused my perdition.
37:57 “But for my Lord’s Grace, I would have been one of those brought forward.”
 The people of Paradise and the people of Hell will be within shouting distance of each other.
7:43 And We shall remove all rancour from their hearts; and under them rivers will flow. They will say: “Praise be to Allah Who guided us to this; we would never have been guided, had not Allah guided us. The Messengers of our Lord came with the truth.” Then a voice will cry out to them: “This is indeed the Paradise which you have been made to inherit for what [good] you used to do.”
7:44 And the people of Paradise will call out to the people of the Fire: “We have found what our Lord promised us to be true; so have you found what your Lord promised to be true?” They will say: “Yes.” Thereupon a caller from their midst shall call out: “May Allah’s curse be upon the wrongdoers;
7:45 “Who bar [others] from Allah’s Way and desire it to be crooked; and they disbelieve in the Hereafter.”