Boreal

Love, Sex and Islam

Sex in the Hereafter

Food

47:15 The likeness of the Garden which the God-fearing have been promised is this: rivers of water not stagnant, rivers of milk whose taste has not changed, rivers of wine delighting its drinkers and rivers of distilled honey. Therein they have every variety of fruit and forgiveness from their Lord too…

During the summer months preceding the September 11th massacre, Muhammad Atta and the leaders of the three other flights spent many hours making plans at the Olympic Bar, a strip club in Las Vegas. It was obviously not for the food, but probably to remind themselves of Paradise’s main attraction, which they would get to enjoy before summer came to an end, and not after Judgement Day like the vast majority of believers.

Small- and big-time murderers in Allah’s Cause get to avoid a zombie-like existence below ground while waiting on Allah to call it quits on His Creation.

For most of what Islam has to say about what happens to a human being after passing away, we must look to the sayings of Muhammad. If you thought Allah’s description of what He intends to do to unbelievers and sinners when he gets His hands on them was about as bad as it could get, you haven’t read His spokesman’s account of what will be done to them in the grave. Don’t try to make sense of what you are about to read, and don’t let it give you nightmares.

According to Muhammad, the whole death thing starts innocently enough. Forty days before a person dies, a leaf with the soon-to-be-deceased’s name on it falls from a tree in Paradise just beneath Al-ah’s throne. ‘Izra’il, the angel of death, picks it up and schedules a pick-up forty days hence. Even believers, Muhammad said, will be taken aback when ‘Izra’il comes knocking. When he shows up on their doorstep, even after they have been warned of his coming, they will still ask: “Who are you?”

Be that as it may, the last person the soon-to-be-departed will see is not the angel of death, but two angels who have been patiently and anonymously recording their bad and good deeds over a lifetime. These two angels, in the blink of an eye, will present the soon-to-be-deceased with their lifetime of good and bad deeds.

With this was your life formalities out of the way, the person’s living, thinking, seeing, able-to-feel-pain soul will sink into the ground where they died, but not before ‘Izra’il has finished extracting it from the still-warm body, drawing it out like rough cotton through the eye sockets. Like birth, death in Islamic Traditions is meant to be a painful transition. Satan will offer to relieve a believer in Allah’s good books from some of the pain caused by ‘Izra’il's appalling soul extraction method.

If the poor tormented soul can’t stand the pain and accepts Satan’s offer to reduce its suffering, Hell awaits come Judgement Day. It will be sorry it could not stand the excruciating discomfort just a while longer.

If the extracted soul is meant to go to Hell, it will be given a glimpse of life in the grave and its final destination on Judgement Day. The horror-struck soul will then briefly escape ‘Izra’il’s grip to fly to heaven and try all seven doors to the seven levels of Paradise, only to be turned back by the angels guarding its entrances. It will be forced to return to ‘Izra’il, who will then stuff it back into the already-decaying corpse, and the reconstituted soul-body combo will begin its new life in a cramped space below ground with walls constantly closing in on it, making every breath a laboured one.

Those in Allah’s good books, on the other hand, will be provided with spacious graves complete with curtains and a bed. After the living dead have settled into their zombie-like existence, two black-skinned, blue-eyed angels by the names of Munkar and Nakir will burst into their graves and start questioning the decaying remains as to their religious beliefs for forty days non-stop—to what end, I do not know, since the Koran states that a believer enters Paradise based on their records of good and bad deeds or at Allah’s discretion.

One question related to other gods the living corpses used to worship may cause some to incriminate themselves, to reveal that they were unbelievers.

7:37 For who is more unjust than he who fabricates lies about Allah or denies His Revelations? Those will get their share of the punishment ordained for them. When Our Messengers (the angel messengers of death) come to take their souls they will say: “Where are those upon whom you called besides Allah?” They will say: “They have left us” and they will bear witness against themselves that they were unbelievers.

A corpse will also be asked if it ever spoke ill of Muhammad. If it only said good things about him during its living, breathing life above ground, God’s spokesman said that all will be forgiven.

Narrated Anas:

Prophet Muhammad said, "When a human being is laid in his grave and his companions return and he even hears their footsteps, two angels come to him and make him sit and ask him: 'What did you used to say about this man, Muhammad?' He will say: 'I testify that he is Allah's slave and His Apostle.' Then it will be said to him, 'Look at your place in the Hell-Fire. Allah has given you a place in Paradise instead of it.'"

In Hell, Allah revealed, unbelievers will be hit about the head with an iron rod; in the grave, they will be beaten with an iron hammer, according to Muhammad.

Prophet Muhammad added, "The dead person will see both his places. But a non-believer or a hypocrite will say to the angels, 'I do not know, but I used to say what the people used to say! It will be said to him, 'Neither did you know nor did you take the guidance (by reciting the Quran).' Then he will be hit with an iron hammer between his two ears, and he will cry and that cry will be heard by whatever approaches him except human beings and jinns."

Bukhari 23.422

The interrogation over, the grave’s occupant will continue to get a twice-daily visit, until Judgement Day, from another angel. He has not come to chat, but to open those curtains to a pleasing or horrify-ing view. Life in the grave for unbelievers and other sinners will be uncomfortable to the extreme. If this claustrophobic, agonizing existence—which combines both physical and psychological terrors to achieve an unprecedented level of horror and pain—were not what Allah has in store for unbelievers, Muhammad would probably be remembered today as one of the greatest sadistic minds the world has ever known.

Wanting to bypass life in the grave may be as great an incentive to die in a sacred explosion as getting the first crack at those houris, in what may not be that different a setting from the bar the 9/11 terrorists frequented, with young women on parade offering samples of their wares. The big difference, of course, will be that in Paradise, Atta and his cohorts will be granted title to the manufactured facsimiles, like wives they would acquire on Earth, free to do with them what they will.

Then why, you may ask, shred yourself to pieces detonating a sacred explosion—which has to be extremely painful for more than an instant, with your still-living head popping off your exploding body like a cork from a bottle of champagne—in order to be one of the first to have sex with a houri? If you are contemplating donning that suicide vest filled with explosives designed to send shrapnel spraying sideways, this is a question I hope you will ask yourself after reading about sex in the here-and-now versus sex in the Hereafter.

With real women as wives, you will be able to gulp down more than a glass of milk, plain water, or water mixed with ginger or camphor. You will be able to sip wine that has not been tampered with so as to remove its maturing qualities. If you don’t overdo it, it will make a more relaxed lover out of you. Under ordinary circumstances, women like that, and so will you. You will not be in such a rush to get to penetration, and once you’re in, it will extend your stay by slowing the production of what must eventually come gushing out.

Of course, alcohol also lowers inhibitions, which means your spouse may do things to you she would not have considered otherwise, leading to pleasant surprises. Of course, your houris are programmed to do whatever you want whenever you want. That can get old very quickly, trust me.

A woman under the influence is also more likely to let you do stuff that God hasn’t programmed His houris to allow out of an elevated sense of propriety, the type of stuff that is banned in the Koran and that will undoubtedly be banned in Paradise. Do you really want to miss out on everything a real woman has to offer?

The unpredictability of people under the influence represents a real challenge for micro-managers and control freaks like Allah and His spokesman, especially during wartime when discipline is the key to winning most battles. Scholars have managed to take the hodgepodge of chapters (mostly arranged from shortest to longest) and separate them into what is referred to as the Meccan surahs, those revealed during Muhammad’s time in his hometown, and the Medinan surahs, the chapters revealed during his stay in Medina where he sought refuge after his kin ran him out of town for preaching what they considered a hateful and intolerant doctrine.

The Meccan surahs could be deemed the “carrot” surahs, in which Muhammad tries to get his kin to submit to the Will of Allah on his say-so and expounds on the benefits of doing just that. For example, in the “carrot” surahs you will find the following revelation about wine:

16:67 And from the fruits of palms and vines, you get wine and fair provision. Surely, there is in that a sign to a people who understand.

After finding refuge in Medina, Muhammad (or Allah; take your pick) decided that only the hard way would get people to see the light. The “stick” surahs, as my moniker would suggest, are generally more violent and unequivocal in their visceral hatred of the despised unbelievers. Because the Medinan surahs came later, any verse in those chapters that contradicts an unassailable fact revealed in a Meccan surah will ordinarily abrogate the earlier revealed truth. For example, the following Medinan revelation nullifies Allah's earlier statement about wine in a Meccan surah.

5:91 The Devil only wishes to stir up enmity and hatred among you, through wine and gambling, and keep you away from remembering Allah and from prayer. Will you not desist, then?

It should not come as surprise that revelations damning alcoholic drinks came after the only battle that the Muslims lost under Muhammad’s leadership during the Arabian conquest, that of Uhud.

Narrated Anas:

I used to offer alcoholic drinks to the people at the residence of Abu Talha. Then the order of prohibiting alcoholic drinks was revealed, and the Prophet ordered somebody to announce that. Abu Talha said to me, "Go out and see what this voice (this announcement) is."

I went out and (on coming back) said, "This is somebody announcing that alcoholic beverages have been prohibited."

Abu Talha said to me, "Go and spill it (i.e. the wine),"

Then it (alcoholic drinks) was seen flowing through the streets of Medina. At that time the wine was Al-Fadikh.

The people said, "Some people (Muslims) were killed (during the battle of Uhud) while wine was in their stomachs." So Allah revealed: "On those who believe and do good deeds there is no blame for what they ate (in the past)." (5:93)

Bukhari 60.144

With no wars in Paradise, why serve only non-alcoholic beverages? Wine not only lessens inhibitions but also invites spontaneity, another wonderful thing about real women that the houris will not possess. By definition, impulsive behaviour cannot be programmed, even by an omnipotent coder. What if some inebriated couple, on the spur of the moment, decided to run through the streets of Paradise naked or do something even bolder right there where everyone could see them? Better to be safe than sorry, I guess.

Allah talks about rivers of wine; whether these rivers will flow with red, white or rosé is not mentioned. Red is assumed, as white wine only came into its own centuries after the end of the Dark Ages during which the Koran was revealed. It is obvious that rivers of wine will not be the result of fermentation, so don’t expect the multitudes of aromas, flavours and textures that come from that time-consuming process.

Fermentation is what leads to alcohol, so I wouldn’t expect the wine that Allah keeps in sealed containers for his pet-believers, which He expects them to fight over, to be much better than that which the less favoured will sample by dipping their cups into the aforementioned rivers.

83:25 They are given to drink from a sealed wine;

83:26 Whose seal is musk. Over that, let the competitors compete;

83:27 And its mixture is from Tasmin (a spring in Paradise);

83:28 A spring from which the well-favoured drink.

As to the food, don’t be fooled by revelations like the following about having “whatever souls desire” served on plates and in cups of gold.

43:70 “Enter Paradise, you and your spouses joyfully.

43:71 “Platters and cups of gold shall be passed around them, and therein shall be whatever souls desire and eyes delight in, and in it you shall dwell forever.”

What the soul desires is what Allah has on His menu, a very limited menu that His spokesman would find more than adequate for his needs, but not most people. In both the Koran and the hadiths, the exception and not the generality is the rule. Food often plays a social role and enhances relationships that have grown beyond the adolescent expectations of our soon-to-be mass murderers from Saudi Arabia ogling strippers at the Olympic Bar. For example, the nice dinner my Lucette had planned when she met me at the train station was more than a prelude to a night of intimacy: it was an integral part of it; the foreplay before the foreplay, you might say. Foreplay is what gets your partner to where you want to her to be when you get there, unless all you care about is your own gratification, which seems to be the case for those who would blow others to bits for sex with impassive female reproductions in Paradise.

My Lucette would spice up the foreplay before the foreplay by keeping me guessing as to what was for dinner. With a limited menu and a God who decides when dinner and breakfast will be served—lunch appears to be out of the question—this will not be possible in Paradise.

19:62 They hear therein no idle talk, but only: “Peace”; and they receive from their provision therein morning and evening.

Lucette was a fantastic cook, at ease preparing dishes from a variety of cuisines, from French to Chinese with frequent forays into Italian food. Each meal was usually accompanied by a healthy serving of vegetables. Don’t expect that type of variety in Paradise, and if you like vegetables with that serving of chicken, you may be out luck. Vegetables are not usually found in an oasis, which, unlike fruits, may explain their lack of mention as to what you might expect in Paradise.

43:73 Therein you have abundant fruit from which you will eat.

You will not have to worry about keeping an eye on your belongings as you reach for that fruit.

44:55 They call therein for every fruit in perfect security.

You may think you are eating the same fruit over and over, but don’t believe your eyes; believe Allah.

2:25 Proclaim the good news to those who have believed and have done the good works; they will have gardens under which rivers flow. Every time they get some of the fruits with which they are provided, they will say: "This is what we were provided with before", because they are given each time something that looks like it. They will also have their pure spouses there, and they shall live there forever.

The following revelations are unclear as to whether it is those who were pious while in the land where a bladder and urethra were essential to your well-being, or those who are pious in Paradise itself, who will drink from a spring gushing water mixed with camphor and whose capacity increases the more people drink from it.

76:5 The pious will surely drink from a cup whose mixture is camphor,

76:6 A spring from which the servants of Allah shall drink, making it gush abundantly.

Muhammad, as benefits Allah’s choice of a merchant as His ultimate spokesperson, was a stickler for accurate measurement. Allah is no different when describing how loungers will be served ginger drinks by those legendary immortal boys with alabaster complexions.

76:15 And cup-bearers shall go round them with vessels of silver and goblets of glass,

76:16 Goblets of silver which they measured exactly.

76:17 And they are given therein to drink a cup whose mixture is ginger.

76:18 A spring therein is called Salsabil.

76:19 And there go round them immortal boys; when you see them, you will think that they are scattered pearls.

Beef dishes may also be available, assuming Allah allows the beasts of Paradise to be slaughtered. Cattle were probably domesticated there by Allah or His angels—my understanding of "subdued" in Revelation 36:72—after which eight pairs were sent down to Earth in Revelation 39:6.

36:71 Have they not seen that We have created for them, of Our Handiwork, cattle whereof they are now the owners?

36:72 And We subdued them to them, so that of some are their mounts and of some they eat.

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39:6 He created you from a single soul; then, out of it, He made its mate, and brought down for you of the cattle eight pairs…

Apart from fruits, and perhaps beef dishes as a break from all those “fowl” servings, there is no mention of other types of dishes on Allah’s menu. However, this does not mean there are none. In the Koran, Allah does allow the eating of fish.

5:96 Lawful to you is the catch of the sea and its food as an enjoyment for you and for travellers; but unlawful to you is the game of the land so long as you are on pilgrimage. Fear Allah unto Whom you shall be gathered.

As a bonus, God’s spokesman revealed that the first 70 thousand to enter Paradise will be served a portion of fish liver. Yummy!

Narrated Anas:

Abdullah bin Salam heard the news of the arrival of Allah's Apostle (at Medina) while he was on a farm collecting its fruits. So he came to the Prophet and said, "I will ask you about three things which nobody knows unless he be a prophet. Firstly, what is the first portent of the Hour? What is the first meal of the people of Paradise? And what makes a baby look like its father or mother?"

The Prophet said, "Just now Gabriel has informed me about that."

Abdullah said, "Gabriel?"

The Prophet said, "Yes."

Abdullah said, "He, among the angels is the enemy of the Jews."

On that the Prophet recited this Holy Verse: "Whoever is an enemy to Gabriel (let him die in his fury!) for he has brought it (i.e. Qur'an) down to your heart by Allah's permission." (2:97)

Then he added, "As for the first portent of the Hour, it will be a fire that will collect the people from the East to West. And as for the first meal of the people of Paradise, it will be the caudite (i.e. extra) lobe of the fish liver…

Bukhari 60.7

What may be inferred by Gabriel’s communication to Muhammad about meals for early arrivals is that you may not have much choice in what Allah serves as the meal of the day, and this is understandable: He is but one god with billions upon billions of people to feed. If the angels and jinn also require nourishment, the number of meals Allah will have to prepare every day could easily exceed a few trillion.

Maybe His houris, like the android Data of Star Trek: The Next Generation, will not require sustenance; besides, with most real women in Hell, where the diet is even more limited than in Paradise, it will ease the pressure on Heaven’s one and only chef.

44:43 The Tree of Zaqqum (the Tree of Bitterness) will certainly be

44:44 The food of the sinner.

44:45 Like molten lead, which boils in the bellies;

44:46 Like boiling water.

One of the reasons that the majority of women will spend an eternity on fire in Allah’s Hell is for not acting more like the houris; that is, always ready to let husbands enjoy them, no matter the time and place, showing gratitude for all their husbands do for them out of the goodness of their hearts.

Narrated Ibn Abbas:

The Prophet said: "I was shown the Hell-fire and that the majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful."

It was asked, "Do they disbelieve in Allah?" (or are they ungrateful to Allah?)

He replied, "They are ungrateful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors and the good (charitable deeds) done to them."

Bukhari 2.28

A deceased woman whose husband is glad she died will go to Hell, end of story.

The Prophet said: “If a woman dies while her husband was pleased with her, she will enter Paradise.”

Tirmidhi

Of course, if houris don’t eat, then food cannot be part of foreplay and that is a shame. It will make building a meaningful relationship—if that is even possible with a facsimile programmed for non-stop fornication—even more difficult.