Boreal

LOVE, SEX AND ISLAM

Sex in the Hereafter

Food

47:15 The likeness of the Garden which the God-fearing have been promised is this: rivers of water not stagnant, rivers of milk whose taste has not changed, rivers of wine delighting its drinkers and rivers of distilled honey. Therein they have every variety of fruit and forgiveness from their Lord too…

During the summer months preceding the September 11th massacre, Muhammad Atta and the leaders of the three other flights spent many hours making plans at the Olympic Bar, a strip club in Las Vegas. It was obviously not for the food, but probably to remind themselves of Paradise’s main attraction, which they would get to enjoy before summer came to an end.

Good food and drink makes for good sex often of the unexpected kind. Allah may not be of that opinion. In the here-and-now, you are be able to gulp down, with the one you desire, more than a glass of milk, plain water, or water mixed with ginger or camphor. You are able to sip wine that has not been tampered with so as to remove its maturing qualities. If you don’t overdo it, it will make a more relaxed lover out of you. Under ordinary circumstances, women like that, and so will you. You will not be in such a rush to get to the penetration part, and once you’re in, it will extend your stay by slowing the production of what must eventually come gushing out.

Of course, alcohol also lowers inhibitions, which means your partner may do things to you she would not have considered otherwise, leading to pleasant surprises. Houris are programmed to do whatever you want whenever you want. That lack of spontaneity can get old very quickly, trust me.

A woman under the influence is also more likely to let you do stuff that God hasn’t programmed His houris to allow out of an elevated sense of propriety, the type of stuff that is banned in the Koran, and that will undoubtedly be banned in Paradise.

The unpredictability of people under the influence represents a real challenge for micro-managers and control freaks like Muhammad, especially during wartime when discipline is the key to winning battles. It should not come as a surprise that revelations damning alcoholic drinks came after the only battle that the Muslims lost under Muhammad’s leadership during the Arabian conquest, that of Uhud.

Narrated Anas:

I used to offer alcoholic drinks to the people at the residence of Abu Talha. Then the order of prohibiting alcoholic drinks was revealed, and the Prophet ordered somebody to announce that. Abu Talha said to me, "Go out and see what this voice (this announcement) is."

I went out and (on coming back) said, "This is somebody announcing that alcoholic beverages have been prohibited."

Abu Talha said to me, "Go and spill it (i.e. the wine),"

Then it (alcoholic drinks) was seen flowing through the streets of Medina. At that time the wine was Al-Fadikh.

The people said, "Some people (Muslims) were killed (during the battle of Uhud) while wine was in their stomachs." So Allah revealed: "On those who believe and do good deeds there is no blame for what they ate (in the past)." (5:93)

Bukhari 60.144

With no wars in Paradise, why serve only non-alcoholic beverages? Wine not only lessens inhibitions but also invites spontaneity, another wonderful thing about real women that the houris will not possess. By definition, impulsive behaviour cannot be programmed, even by an omnipotent coder. What if some inebriated couple, on the spur of the moment, decided to run through the streets of Paradise naked or do something even bolder right there where everyone could see them? Better to be safe than sorry, I guess.

Allah talks about rivers of wine; whether these rivers will flow with red, white or rosé is not mentioned. Red is assumed, as white wine only came into its own centuries after the end of the Dark Ages, the period in  our history when the Koran was revealed. It is obvious that rivers of wine will not be the result of fermentation, so don’t expect the multitudes of aromas, flavours and textures that come from that time-consuming process.

Fermentation is what leads to alcohol, so I wouldn’t expect the wine that Allah keeps in sealed containers for his pet-believers, which He expects them to fight over, to be much better than that which the less favoured will sample by dipping their cups into the aforementioned rivers.

83:25 They are given to drink from a sealed wine;

83:26 Whose seal is musk. Over that, let the competitors compete;

83:27 And its mixture is from Tasmin (a spring in Paradise);

83:28 A spring from which the well-favoured drink.

As to the food, don’t be fooled by revelations like the following about having “whatever souls desire” served on plates and in cups of gold.

43:70 “Enter Paradise, you and your spouses joyfully.

43:71 “Platters and cups of gold shall be passed around them, and therein shall be whatever souls desire and eyes delight in, and in it you shall dwell forever.”

What the soul desires is what Allah has on His menu, a very limited menu that Muhammad would find more than adequate for his needs, but not most people.

In both the Koran and the hadiths, the exception and not the generality is the rule. Food often plays a social role and enhances relationships that have grown beyond the adolescent expectations of our soon-to-be mass murderers from Saudi Arabia ogling strippers at the Olympic Bar.

For example, the nice dinner my Lucette had planned when she met me at the train station was more than a prelude to a night of intimacy: it was an integral part of it. The foreplay before the foreplay, you might say. Foreplay is what gets your partner to where you want to her to be when you get there, unless all you care about is your own gratification, which seems to be the case for those who would blow others to bits for sex with impassive female facimilies in Paradise.

My Lucette would spice up the foreplay before the foreplay by keeping me guessing as to what was for dinner. With a limited menu and a God who decides when dinner and breakfast will be served—lunch appears to be out of the question—this will not be possible in Paradise.

19:62 They hear therein no idle talk, but only: “Peace”; and they receive from their provision therein morning and evening.

Lucette was a fantastic cook, at ease preparing dishes from a variety of cuisines, from French to Chinese with frequent forays into Italian. Each meal was usually accompanied by a healthy serving of vegetables. Don’t expect that type of variety in Paradise, and if you like vegetables with that serving of chicken, you may be out luck. Vegetables are not usually found on an oasis, which, unlike fruits, may explain their lack of mention as to what you might expect in Paradise.

43:73 Therein you have abundant fruit from which you will eat.

You will not have to worry about keeping an eye on your belongings as you reach for that fruit.

44:55 They call therein for every fruit in perfect security.

You may think you are eating the same fruit over and over, but don’t believe your eyes; believe Allah.

2:25 Proclaim the good news to those who have believed and have done the good works; they will have gardens under which rivers flow. Every time they get some of the fruits with which they are provided, they will say: "This is what we were provided with before", because they are given each time something that looks like it. They will also have their pure spouses there, and they shall live there forever.

The following revelations are unclear as to whether it is those who were pious while in the land where a bladder and urethra were essential to your well-being, or those who are pious in Paradise itself, who will drink from a spring gushing water mixed with camphor and whose capacity increases the more people drink from it.

76:5 The pious will surely drink from a cup whose mixture is camphor,

76:6 A spring from which the servants of Allah shall drink, making it gush abundantly.

Muhammad, as benefits Allah’s choice of a merchant as His ultimate spokesperson, was a stickler for accurate measurement. Allah is no different when describing how loungers will be served ginger drinks by those legendary immortal boys with alabaster complexions.

76:15 And cup-bearers shall go round them with vessels of silver and goblets of glass,

76:16 Goblets of silver which they measured exactly.

76:17 And they are given therein to drink a cup whose mixture is ginger.

76:18 A spring therein is called Salsabil.

76:19 And there go round them immortal boys; when you see them, you will think that they are scattered pearls.

Beef dishes may also be available, assuming Allah allows the beasts of Paradise to be slaughtered. Cattle were probably domesticated there by Allah or His angels—my understanding of "subdued" in Revelation 36:72—after which eight pairs were sent down to Earth, Revelation 39:6.

36:71 Have they not seen that We have created for them, of Our Handiwork, cattle whereof they are now the owners?

36:72 And We subdued them to them, so that of some are their mounts and of some they eat.

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39:6 He created you from a single soul; then, out of it, He made its mate, and brought down for you of the cattle eight pairs…

Apart from fruits, and perhaps beef dishes as a break from all those “fowl” servings, there is no mention of other types of dishes on Allah’s menu. However, this does not mean there are none. In the Koran, Allah does allow the eating of fish.

5:96 Lawful to you is the catch of the sea and its food as an enjoyment for you and for travellers; but unlawful to you is the game of the land so long as you are on pilgrimage. Fear Allah unto Whom you shall be gathered.

As a bonus, God’s spokesman revealed that the first 70 thousand to enter Paradise will be served a portion of fish liver. Yummy!

Narrated Anas:

Abdullah bin Salam heard the news of the arrival of Allah's Apostle (at Medina) while he was on a farm collecting its fruits. So he came to the Prophet and said, "I will ask you about three things which nobody knows unless he be a prophet. Firstly, what is the first portent of the Hour? What is the first meal of the people of Paradise? And what makes a baby look like its father or mother?"

The Prophet said, "Just now Gabriel has informed me about that."

Abdullah said, "Gabriel?"

The Prophet said, "Yes."

Abdullah said, "He, among the angels is the enemy of the Jews."

On that the Prophet recited this Holy Verse: "Whoever is an enemy to Gabriel (let him die in his fury!) for he has brought it (i.e. Qur'an) down to your heart by Allah's permission." (2:97)

Then he added, "As for the first portent of the Hour, it will be a fire that will collect the people from the East to West. And as for the first meal of the people of Paradise, it will be the caudite (i.e. extra) lobe of the fish liver…

Bukhari 60.7

What may be inferred by Gabriel’s communication to Muhammad about meals for early arrivals is that you may not have much choice in what Allah serves as the meal of the day, and this is understandable. He is but one god with billions upon billions of people to feed. If the angels and jinn also require nourishment, the number of meals Allah will have to prepare every day could easily exceed a few trillion.

Maybe His houris, like the android Data of Star Trek: The Next Generation, will not require sustenance. Besides, with most real women burning in Hell, where the diet is even more limited than in Paradise, it will ease the pressure on Heaven’s one and only chef.

44:43 The Tree of Zaqqum (the Tree of Bitterness) will certainly be

44:44 The food of the sinner.

44:45 Like molten lead, which boils in the bellies;

44:46 Like boiling water.

Of course, if houris don’t eat, then food cannot be part of foreplay and that is a shame. It will make building a meaningful relationship—if that is even possible with a facsimile programmed for non-stop fornication—even more difficult.